So I have to admit. Yesterday on Twitter I got kinda heated after reading what the Pope said about laws legalizing Gay Marriage as well as some regular folks complaining about it. I’m really upset that this is even a topic for national discussion. Having a national debate on gay marriage is like the argument over which end of the egg to crack between the sects in Gulliver’s Travels, just plain stupid. It’s like normal functional and intelligent adults completely lose their minds when it comes to gay marriage talk. “I just don’t believe in gay marriage” Huh? What the hell do you mean you don’t “believe” in gay marriage. Gay marriage isn’t some fictional children’s character like Santa or the Tooth Fairy. It’s not really something to “believe” in. And even then, since when is making laws to limit people from making personal, non-dangerous decisions okay? I don’t believe fat people should wear spandex or that it should be illegal to hunt the stupid for sport. But those are just my opinions…not something to make laws about (I don’t want to kill the stupid, just maybe a catch and release program). Also, contrary to idiotic belief, homosexuality cannot infect straight people like the disease from Outbreak. We aren’t facing a “Gay epidemic” where we’re running low on “straight antibodies”.
But nothing is more outlandish in the gay marriage debate then when religion is brought up. Yes, you heard me right. Religious arguments against gay marriage make less sense than the belief that gay zombies are roaming the countryside to turn straight people gay. Listen, I’m not a preacher but not only have I stayed at Holiday Inn Express I’ve also had a childhood of Bible study and Bible camp. That means I have just enough knowledge to be dangerous (Televangelist dangerous not anti-Christ dangerous). I know enough that using the Bible as an argument against gay marriage is like using a fork to eat soup. It just doesn’t hold up. First off, there’s the problem with claiming gay marriage is wrong because it is a sin. Okay, let’s say being gay is a sin. But aren’t all sins equal? That means being gay is no more different than the sins each of us commit each day (Because the only guy without sin died on a cross). So why single out gay people? I’ll agree to take this argument more seriously if we also make infidelity and premarital sex illegal. Until then, this is called HYPOCRISY folks and you look really stupid talking about it.
Now some will say all sins AREN’T equal. Okay, fine. Which ones are worse? I say we use the Ten Commandments for this one because hell, if a burning bush is talking to me…I can only assume its some serious shit. So let’s see what we have here:
I am the Lord your God
You shall have no other gods before me
(The way some of you all idolize sports figures and human sperm banks like Lil Wayne, I think we have a problem already)
You shall not make for yourself an idol
(No but Simon Cowell and American idol can…)
You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your god
(OMG doesn’t count….)
Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy
(I guess praying during the football game counts right?)
Honor your father and mother
(Only until we’re 18 right?)
You shall not kill
(Unless they’re a Muslim male between 18 – 28. I mean, they’re going to Hell anyway…)
You shall not commit adultery
(Wait…this is a commandment?)
You shall not steal
(Ponzi schemes aren’t really stealing are they? And it wasn’t really stealing from the Native Americans cause they were savages)
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor
(Unless they’re a Muslim male between 18 – 28….)
You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife
(Unless your neighbor lives in Argentina and then out of town rules count…according to Mark Sanford)
You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor
(Again…this is a commandment? When was anyone gonna tell us?)
Well son of a bitch. Would you look at that. “Thou Shall Not Suck Another Man’s Penis” isn’t on that list. You would think with all those slaves fresh out of the Pharaoh’s jail, they’d be kinda horny and God would have to say something like “Son of a bitch…no you can’t sleep with a man, that’s not what I gave you that for.” But guess what? He didn’t even put it in his Top Ten. But interestingly enough, a lot of sins heterosexuals commit on a daily basis are on there. How many people violate 3 -4 of those commandments on a daily basis. You would think people would be more interested in making sure they are living their lives correctly than limiting the rights of others. Again I ask, why protest gay marriage but not adultery? There is no legitimate reason other than ignorance. Even if, and this is a big IF to me, God views gays as fast tracking themselves to Hell, God gave each of us free will. Each of us have to make our own decision as to whether we will follow the path God has set for us. Writing laws to force morality like this are pointless because at the end of the day, even if they don’t get married, gay people are STILL GAY. So even if you ban gays from being married, its really a Pyrrhic victory because you come off looking ignorant AND the “wraith of God” will still come down on us (according to your dumb ass).
Listen, if you don’t “believe” in gay marriage, fine…don’t. But I’ll consider you an idiot. I believe that’s a fair trade because obviously you lack the proper logic and reasoning necessary to be a productive member of society.










