42% of Black women single

Women hollering about not finding a good Black man come in all shapes, sizes, backgrounds, socioeconomic status, etc. And frankly as a Black woman who is intelligent, pretty, funny, insightful, God-fearing and more, I’m tired of hearing it! There are PLENTY of good Black men out there. No, they are not all locked up. No, they are not all stupid. No, they are not all with White women. No, they aren’t all under-employed. But, what they are (I suspect) is tired of dealing with Black women who say they want one thing, but when they get it, have no clue what to do with it. This is not meant to bash Black women. It’s a wake up call. Because when so much time is spent focused on the perceived lack of your male counterparts, you are not equipped to deal with anything good a Black man has to offer because you’ve never prepared for him (and how could you…you didn’t even think he existed).
That is a large part of the problem. Black women are heralded as the “saviors of the race” for our percentage of enrollment in college, for heading households and raising kids, for rising in the corporate ranks, etc. Those achievements should be commended, but too often it’s at the expense of our Black brothers. We’re so conditioned to think negatively of Black men that a good one will often come and go without us ever taking serious notice or putting in serious effort because we don’t recognize him.

The question is not “where are all the good Black men.” The question is, am I ready for a good Black man? Am I ready to compromise? I am ready to walk side by side and let him lead? (Because contrary to popular belief in the Black community, we need to let a man be a man.) Am I ready to be the helpmate? Or am I saying all the right things to make others, and myself, believe that I’m ready, but I’ve actually done little to no work on myself? Those are hard questions. It’s easy to point the finger. It’s easy for successful Black women to say, “well I make X amount of dollars so he should make at least as much or more than me.” It’s easy to to say, “well I have a degree so he needs to also.” But is money and a degree what makes a “good Black man?”

What is the measure of a good Black man? We all have standards, but if you find that you keep attracting the same kind of person who exhibits the same substandard characteristics in PERSONALITY and CHARACTER, then you need to check yourself and figure out what in YOU is attracting such a type of person. But, many won’t do that because it’s easier to declare “there are no good Black men” than it is to deal with who you are as a Black woman. Much attention is given to the quality of our men, but it’s assumed that Black women have it together. Let me let the world in on a secret…we don’t! Wow…refreshing to admit that we are as jacked up as our men. At least it is for me.

So, I don’t embrace the notion that Black men are a dying breed. They aren’t. I have personally known and dated good Black men. Those inside and outside my sphere of influence have known and dated good Black men. As a result, I get especially offended to hear negative commentary about Black men (once again) in the media. It’s one thing to express this type of sentiment amongst friends, jokingly, after a bad break-up, or whatever. But, the tongue is a mighty weapon and we, in the Black community, have forgotten that. We are quick to bring each other down to elevate ourselves. That is exactly how I see this latest and greatest assault against Black love.

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.

– D.H. Lawrence

I avoided it as long as I could but I finally caved and read the profile piece on Helena Andrews whose memoir “Bitch Is the New Black” will be made into a film taking a satirical look at the struggles of successful young black women in the city.  Seriously, I tried to avoid this piece like Tila Tequila avoids reality but the dark side was just too strong.  If you haven’t read the profile, I can save you some trouble.  Think “Sex in the City” but with black people (Obama effect???).  Seriously though folks…again?  We’re going to do this yet again?  My biggest problem is that it seems to once again paint this bleak picture for black women when the truth is, this is just life.  Seriously, when has finding a significant other been easy FOR ANYONE???? If anything this is more about women needing a serious reality check to snap them back to Earth and not some fictional fairytale.  Honestly I read this:

In a series of essays, Andrews documents the lives of so many young black women who appear to have everything: looks, charm, Ivy League degrees, great jobs. Closets packed full of fabulous clothes; fabulous condos in fabulous gentrified neighborhoods; fabulous vacations, fabulous friends. And yet they are lonely: Their lives are repetitive, desperate and empty.

And immediately I said “Well son of a bitch…Welcome to my life”.

I mean hell, I’m almost 30.  I’m single.  I’m successful, have a great career, my own home, etc.  You don’t see me getting flustered.  Oh wait, I’m a man so it’s “easier” for me.  Yeah right. In what universe? It’s like women have this asinine idea that men can just wake up and say “I think I’m gonna get in a serious relationship today”, roll out of bed, drink a cup of coffee and then propose to the first girl they meet on the street.  Please.  This relationship game is just as frustrating and confusing for us as it is for you.  I’m always hearing women complaining about doing their best to find a man and striking out.  I’m reminded of the quote “Losers always whine about doing their best, winners go home and fuck the prom queen.” Women spend an incredible amount of time in some kind of pathetic self-pity/self-loathing state where they moan and complain about not having a man but never really do anything to remedy that.   You sit around all day gossiping about reality shows to escape from your own reality.  You talk about the mistakes these other “fools” on TV make when you yourself do the same exact thing.  Case in point, the story about “cornrows” in the profile:

Cornrows, she says, seems nice, but that is the problem. “He can put together coherent sentences, but they are not in any way related to my life,” she says. She laughs, but catches herself. She knows the man is trying hard. She also knows Cornrows doesn’t stand a chance.

“I’m a mean woman. I don’t date nice people. That’s why I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I will always have to settle.”

Staffer: “You need a man in your life. They come in handy for labor.”

Andrews: “He offered to help me move. That was nice.”

Lawyer: “He wasn’t nice to offer. He just wants to get with you.”

Andrews: “I don’t find him attractive. If he was funny, that would go a long way. He could be my winter boo. I need a boo. My life sucks. When your life sucks, a winter boo with his own apartment would be awesome to have.”

Winter boo?  Really?  You’re complaining about not having a long term solution in sight but here you’re considering a short term seasonal fling.  In this day and age of instant gratification I think people are forgetting they have to put work into getting a good relationship.  If “cornrows” or any other man for that matter can’t relate to you and your life, why are you dealing with him?  It has nothing to do with not liking nice guys.  He doesn’t relate to you.  End of story.  But no, please torture yourself some more by keeping him around as a “winter boo.”  Do women hate themselves that much that they’ll sacrifice their own dignity just to have a warm body beside them during the winter months?  Please.  Turn the heat up and get an electric blanket.  Infinitely more reliable and less mess to deal with.

Honestly, that part of the profile is what made me dismiss this whole idea without even reading the book.  Here you have a self proclaimed successful woman who has a career, the degrees and the lifestyle she apparently wants…but because ONE thing in her life isn’t on the schedule she would like, her “life sucks.”  Are you kidding me? This type of ridiculous self pity is wholly unattractive.  No successful black man is going to be attracted to a woman who can’t even appreciate the great things going for her in her life (Hint:  This could possibly be why you aren’t attracting them and why you are single).  I guess I should chalk this up as one of the things men get that women don’t.  Would I like to have a long term relationship leading to eventual marriage and kids?  Of course.  Will I let the fact that I’m nearing thirty and that hasn’t happened yet take away from the fact that my life overall has been great?  Hell no.  Why?  Because that’s life.  I deal with it.

Here’s the first problem men and women have with relationships.  Its this bogus sense of entitlement.  “I have a good job, my own money…I’m successful…why can’t I find someone.”  Congratulations on not being a bum, that’s what you’re suppose to do.  It’s like saying “But I’m a good parent” – Well asshole, you’re suppose to be.  You don’t get a medal and a lifetime achievement award for being mediocre and doing the bare minimums in life.  Also, there’s a false equivalency to being “successful” and having a good relationship.  There are poor people who have nothing but the clothes on their back and the love for their significant others.  There are successful men like Tiger Woods who can’t seem to connect with anyone in a meaningful relationship.  Having what you need to be a productive member of society does not mean that you are all of the sudden entitled to a great relationship off the break.  This isn’t some fantasy romance novel or artificially created video game world where getting a job, a house and success unlocks the “Good Black Man” achievement.  It takes time, persistence and I can admit, a little luck.  But that goes for everyone, men and women.

Andrews writes about what it is like for a young, black woman dating in D.C., trying to find a mate who seems ever elusive. The futile rituals are familiar: the dressing up, the eager cab ride over to the party, the hold-your-breath as you walk in, scanning the room quickly for any looks returned. The mantra sounding in the back of your head: “So-and-so found a man last year at a party like this. Maybe tonight is my night.”

And so we arrive at problem number two.  Actually, it’s a two parter.  First, you’re looking for a man at a party.  Parties are probably the worse place to find a mate.  Look at the ritual that goes into it.  Both males and females go through some sort of satanic ritual of getting themselves made up to be something they aren’t.  Parties are where people go to hide their flaws.  You put your best outfit on, cake your face in makeup and pretend to be something you really aren’t.  Yup, great place to meet a soulmate.  Furthermore, most men don’t go to parties looking for a significant, meaningful relationship.  Most men go to parties to cut up with their boys, drink and maybe find some chick to bone either that night or by the end of the following week.  Trying to find potential at a party is like trying to find a condom in Lil Wayne’s crib:  You might find one under the cushions of the couch but chances are, you’re ass out of luck.

The second part to this problem is thinking that just because someone else found a man at a party like this, that you would.  Wondering why your friend found a man or got married and you didn’t is like wondering why some group of factory workers in Maine won the PowerBall and you didn’t.  Going to a similar party because it worked for them is then like saying “Well I’ll just play the winning numbers from last week because they won last time.” What worked for someone else, might not work for you.  In order to find out what works for YOU, you have to live YOUR life…not the life of your friends and certainly not the life of some imaginary people on TV.  I’m convinced you can have more success at the grocery store, local book store, park or any other place where people go to enjoy being themselves.  If you do the things you like to do outside of “going to parties” and “dancing”, you might find your Prince Charming sooner than you think.  Of course this requires you to figure out what you like to do.  Now if all you can think of is “dancing” an “going to parties”, well then “Houston we have a problem….”

The last problem men and women have with getting into a good relationship goes back to the initial problem I had with the profile.  Andrews flatly states that she’s not attracted to “Cornrows”.  Then why are you talking to him?  If you think he’s a loser, why continue the charade?  Not only do you risk bogging yourself down in a deadend relationship, but good black men do notice when you decide to forgo all logic and stick it out in a bad relationship.  If you’re wondering why you can’t attract a good man then you need to consider that the vibes you give off are interpreted as you being attracted to losers.  You’re not even 30 and you’re talking about settling?  Really?  That’s like giving up on life.  Get real.

Finding a mate is hard, for everyone.  Women are stressing out at 30 now because they’re “getting old.”  But really, let’s look back in history.  Women used to get married at 16…then 18…then 25…see a pattern here.  As our society evolves so do social norms.  Its not the end of the world to be single at 30.  That crap about “biological clock is ticking” is bullshit in this day and age of medical discovery and we all know it.  People are living longer and having kids later in life.  The key is to remember that if you are truly successful then you have a great life and you should live it.  Love will come eventually if you actually put the work in to find it.  Sure it won’t be easy but nether were getting your degrees and career.  You didn’t just roll out of bed and were handed an Ivy League degree and a decent salary.  So why do you think finding love will be any different? You’re only lonely if you want to be lonely.  If you really want to change that, get off your ass and go do it.  Make the necessary changes in what you do to better your options.  Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity.  And right now I know a lot of insane people.

The other day a friend of mine on Twitter was tweeting out “things guy ‘friends’ say that invoke the *side eye*”.  She was talking about subtle (or in some cases not so subtle) sexual advances or “awkward” comments her guy friends have made to her.  I replied that I thought it was common knowledge that most men do not have very many female friends that they a) haven’t slept with b) aren’t trying to sleep with or c) wouldn’t sleep with if given the opportunity.  After getting some responses back about that comment I decided I should break down non-romantic male-female friendships.  But before I do that, I want to first define what I mean by “friend” because in today’s world of social media and social networks, the word “friend” has taken a more broad meaning.  In my view, a true friend is a dependable person who you have an intimate, non-sexual, non-romantic relationship with.  The key word here is “DEPENDABLE”.  This is the person that will ride for you when you need them to.  You’ve seen them at their worse and they’ve seen you at your worse.  I fully believe that the average person at the most has 20 real friends (and that’s a lot in my book).  Everyone outside of that is an acquaintance.

Okay, now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about male-female friendship relations.  As I said above, most men (note, I’m not saying ALL men) do not have a bunch of female friends that they have not slept with, have not at some point tried to sleep with or will not at some point in the future try to sleep with.  Let’s be honest, just off of natural instinct alone, men are going to talk to women they find attractive in one way or the other.  This is simply the “Law of the Jungle”.  No one, man or female is going to hang around or talk to a bunch of people they find unattractive or ugly.  So its only natural that the friendship between men and women is in some respect based on an sexual attraction. With an already existing underlying current of sexual attraction, the intimacy of a true friendship is bound to at some point cause a man to cross the line.  Even if he does not cross the line, he most certainly will test the boundaries.

There are basically 4 main types (Plus 2 others that I’ve included even though I don’t see them as whole new types) of non-romantic male-female friendships.

1. Non-blood family – Okay, this is the most overly claimed type of friendship between men and women and I can truthfully say 90% of the time, it’s completely bogus. In order for this to be legit both parties have to view this relationship as if they are literally blood relatives.  The key here is BOTH parties.  Ladies, what I mean is, you cannot claim that a guy is “Like a brother” to you, if that same guy does not feel that you are “Like a sister” to him.  Just because you view him as close as immediate family, doesn’t mean he doesn’t view you more as a cousin, three times removed (one time removed if in West Virginia).  Here’s an easy test to see if your friendship is really at the “damn near family” level.  Ask yourself:  “If I was to accidentally send him a picture of myself naked, would he…”

A)    Show it to all his boys

B)    Keep it on his phone and make damn near awkward comments about your body every so often

C)    Throw up a little in his mouth, delete the picture and then call you up cussing your ass up for having the image of his sister stuck in his head now

D)    A and B

If you cannot answer ‘C’ with 100% certainty, then you all are not “just like family”. The only wiggle room on this is if he’s in a polygamy sect in which a little incest is expected and in that case, well…you two have other issues to talk about.  Another way to think about this is, if you were drunk and he took you home, could you trust that he would drop you off, make sure you were safe and then leave without trying to find some excuse as to why he needs to sleep in the bed with you?

2. The Ugly Duckling – This is a bit of a misnomer.  I’m not saying that the woman is necessarily some ugly beast like Meg from Family Guy or Fergie (Props to the graphics artist in that Comcast commercial for making her look like a human being).  Just like the story of the Ugly Duckling, the woman might be beautiful, just not attractive to the guy. A woman might be 120 lbs, and look like a supermodel.  But maybe the guy friend is only sexually interested in women who are 6′3, 200lbs (This is one of those “I’ll knock it before I try it” things).  Another example is maybe he started to get to know the woman but realized that her personality just was not going to be very compatible to his and that being friends is better.  Since she’s not his type, rarely will he pursue any kind of relationship with her.  That said, liquor and the lack of available women who fit his type could lead to a man to maybe consider a one night stand to relieve some “stress”.  This is particularly true if the only reason he won’t pursue the woman is that he has made the determination that the two of them have conflicting personalities.  If he still finds her physically attractive…at some point, he might make an attempt to see how far he can get.
3. The Gay Guy – This is pretty straight forward (No pun intended).  I will say though, that reading what a friend said on Twitter, apparently gay guys are not necessarily exempt from trying to get a taste of the love taco.  All I’m saying here is keep an eye on “gay” friends that are bi or those that do not view seeing pictures of naked women like they just watched 2 Girls 1 Cup. *Edit* Because of the recent increase in sensitivity to homophobic statements I must say that I am kidding.  I know that a gay guy is not going to run away screaming after seeing a picture of a naked woman.  It’s a joke. *End Edit*
4. The Genghis Khan – I was originally going to call this type the “Faux Friendship” but I felt that it had a negative connotation that really did not do this type justice.  This type of friendship is basically when a man starts with what appears to be a straight platonic friendship.  He listens, he’s nice, he’s a gentleman and he never tries anything…at first.  The truth is he is trying to get around a woman’s preconceived notions, defenses and inhibitions.  I call this the Genghis Khan because it is the psychological equivalent of Khan’s feigned retreat military strategy.  A man might start off coming at you like he would a woman he is just trying to date but due to either an initial rebuff you or other factors (i.e. You already have a man) he backs off and feigns like he’s only interested in a friendship.  Don’t confuse this type with the clumsy attempt by some idiot using the “I just want your number so we can be friends” line after you tell him you have a man.  The Genghis Khan is way smoother than that and truth be told women usually don’t recognize it when it first happens.  I feel as if the majority of male-female relationships fall into this type.  Now this type can be broken down even further into two categories:  The Double Agent and The Anakin Skywalker.
   • The Double Agent
     The Double Agent is just what it sounds like.  This is a guy who you count as one of your most reliable man friends. He’s always there for you.  If you need him to fix a flat tire, you know you can call him and he’ll drop what he is doing to come to your aid.  You tell him all your secrets (or a good portion of them), what you like, what you don’t like.  When you need a man’s perspective on something, particularly relationships, he’s the one you call.  You think that he’s there for you because he likes being your reliable man friend, when in reality he’s using that information as a recon mission to gather information for his own benefit. While this sounds horribly underhanded, think about it for a moment.  This is the guy who will always remember your birthday.  Not only will he remember it, but he will be the one that gets you the birthday cupcakes just like you told him your mom used to.  He will be the one that remembers something obscure from a conversation you had 6 months earlier. He is the one that anticipates what you want and gives it to you and knows just how to make you smile when you are sad.  While slightly unhanded, his intentions are honestly in your best interest.  Even if he falls into the dreaded “Friendship Zone”, he will likely remain your loyal and reliable friend, even if you are dating someone that is completely beneath you.
   • The Anakin Skywalker
     The Double Agent is really a good guy.  His methods, while they can seem deceitful, are really based in the fact that he really likes you and wants to make sure that he can make you like him as well. The Double Agent’s main goal is not sleeping with you but actually to have a meaningful relationship with you.  The Anakin Skywalker on the other hand, is all about one thing:  Getting the Panties.  Any woman who has watched Star Wars knows what I mean when I call this category the Anakin Skywalker, aka the Darth Vader (See, this is why you all need to watch “man movies”, it will give you deeper insight.  LOL).  If the Double Agent uses his powers of friendship for good (i.e. a meaningful relationship) the Skywalker uses his powers of the Dark Side to find a way to get you in bed.  Where as the Double Agent would not take advantage of you when you are in a moment of weakness, the Anakin Skywalker will call the deepest, darkest powers of the force to have his way.  He has no problem using a Jedi mind trick to have you coming out of your panties before you know it.  If after a couple of weeks of sleeping with a guy who started off as just a friend and now he’s a “Friend with Benefits”, you ever ask “How the hell did this happen?” well, you can thank the evil dark lords of the Sith. For example, if you are having issues with your man, as much as he wants to advise you in a way to cause you to break up with the loser you are with, the Double Agent will give you advice to try to help limit the emotional pain you might feel (i.e., instead of saying “Fuck that nigga”, he’ll say “Maybe you two just need to take a moment and talk”).  The Anakin Skywalker on the other and will pounce on the opportunity to get in your panties.  Now to be honest, most men at some point in their lives have been tempted and given into the dark side.  We have all done it.  Some of the most deadly dark side powers of the Anakin Skywalker are:  The back rub, alcohol and the “I’m too tired to go home, can I crash there?”. Remember, the Double Agent will tell you what you NEED to hear, the Anakin Skywalker will tell you what you WANT to hear…in order to get into your pants (”This won’t change anything”, “I’ve always liked you”, etc.).
5. The Wingman – This really isn’t another type.  It’s usually a guy who is your friend only because he was trying to hook you up with his boy.
6. The Ex – Self explanatory and doesn’t count.  He’s probably already slept with you and if he hasn’t, he’s probably going to keep trying to.

Now undoubtedly some women are reading this and saying “Well why go through all this mess?  Why not just tell us upfront what you want?”  That’s cute.  It really is.  It’s cute because I (along with most other men) know that you really believe that.  You believe that if men just came up and were open and honest with you with how they felt that you would give them a chance.  While you live in that fairytale told only in Disney and Lifetime Network movies, we live in reality.  The reality is the Double Agent move is the best way to get women to consider a man they normally would not even give the time of day to.  It’s the Trojan horse maneuver to get around the initial barriers and defenses most women put up when dealing with men.  Even then, it runs the considerable risk of getting a man trapped in the dreaded “Friendship Zone” which is sorta like being in the Twilight Zone except you don’t get a cool Rod Serling intro. Most men would rather have their balls excised with a rusty scalpel used to autopsy AIDS victims than end up in the Friendship Zone (okay, maybe I’m exaggerating).  Anyway, back on topic…men do this because it really is how it works.  And before you dismiss it, remember, even Michelle Obama says that Barack being up front with her is not what won her over.  Her first reaction was to dismiss him.  So even the President at some point had to run game.

Now let me be clear and say that all men that want to be your friend are not just talking to you because they are attracted to you.  Some guys really just want to be friends.  My best friend is female and at no point have I wanted to sleep with her because she’s been like family (Sure she’s Asian and I’m black but we like to tell people we just have different mothers and fathers). Others want to get to know you more before trying to pursue a relationship with you.  Honestly, women should actually be flattered that a man wants to be their friend and get to know them before just jumping out there with the “So when we fucking?”  My rule of thumb is that ladies, if you have 15 male friends (that’s a lot using my definition of what a real friend is) only about 2 -3 of them have never at any point wanted to date you or sleep with you.  Some of them might have by now moved you into the “almost blood relatives” or “Ugly Duckling” category but at some point they were probably attracted to you.  Remember, don’t go out there thinking every single one of your guy friends is trying to run game on you.

And to the fellas out there that are a little salty that I’m “exposing” the game.  Don’t worry.  At the end of the day women underestimate us as just “stupid boys” that couldn’t possibly run this kind of tactical scheme.  Even if they were to believe this, they’ll still fall for it. Hell, if the back rub/massage trick still works in 2009, then there’s nothing to worry about.  Its like Babe Ruth coming up to the plate and pointing over the fence.  You know the ball is about to get knocked out the park…but there’s nothing that can be done about it.

First things first, we’re back on iTunes. To subscribe all you have to do is search for “Insanity Check” in the iTunes store or click this link to subscribe.
Kriss & Dylan break down male-female relations. The topic of men with female friends popped up on Twitter and so Kriss & Dylan once again explain it: Most of a guy’s female friends are women he would sleep with if given the opportunity. Men aren’t as stupid as we play. Kriss & Dylan then talk about Marc Lamont Hill being fired by Fox News and the brilliant game he and Michael Eric Dyson have run on people. Gotta respect the hustle. Al Sharpton & Rush Limbaugh need couples counseling and the CNN Fail that was Balloon Boy.

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My friends have relationship problems all day long. It’s not always because my friends suck at relationships and reading men in general (admittedly, many of them do), but it’s more because the men they choose to deal with just don’t get it. By it, I mean a multitude of things. Men don’t get why their girlfriend is mad that they choose to hit the club, yet again, with their boys instead of spending “quality time” with her. Men don’t get why their wife is mad that he doesn’t remember birthdays and holidays, but has somehow managed to memorize every 52-man roster for each team in the NFL.

Various conversations with my friends have led me to conclude that men need some help in understanding women. These are the most common things I see that men need to get a clue on, and fast, before they end up being that annoying, outdated dude in the club at 40+ trying to “get it in”.

Situation: I don’t know why she’s mad that I’m out with my boys. I see her everyday.

Why she’s mad: Women need “quality time.” Men, allow me to explain what that means. Sitting on the couch watching you play Madden 2009 is NOT quality time. Throwing her a couple of lines during the commercial break while watching ESPN’s PTI is NOT quality time. Quality time happens when a chunk of your time is set aside for you and yours to do something special. It could be dinner. It could be a movie. It could be exercising together. It could be going on a walk. Whatever…the point is that it is something that she can say “oh yeah, we did do (insert activity here) so I guess him going out with the boys is all good.” Believe it or not, that statement is actually made when you put in work. When you don’t, then prepare for her to go off every damn time you dedicate time to your boys and neglect to do something strictly with her for a few hours every week.

Situation: I told her were just “friends.” Why she gotta act like I’m her man, when she knows I’m not?

Why she’s mad: If you go on dates like you’re in a relationship, get it poppin on the regular like you’re in a relationship; if you spend relationship time, effort and money…then dammit call the spade a spade. You’re in a relationship. The kicker is when your friends and family refer to her as your girlfriend or woman and you respond accordingly…yeah, she’s your girlfriend. Men kill me with that whole “I told her what’s up” line. Listen, women go on action a LOT of times with men. What you do, and not what you say, is what she tends to believe. Not always, but a lot. So that relationship stuff you do with her signifies a relationship to her. To claim it’s anything other than that is insulting to most women. Now if you just sticking and moving and she’s hollering “relationship”…then she’s crazy and stop messing with her!

Situation: I call her when I can, and I come by when I can. She acts like I don’t care. Why is she mad?

Why she’s mad: Because you are the “bare minimum” dude. The one who calls when he’s at the end of his 15 minute break; the one who comes by late at night only after he’s done everything else, solved everyone else’s problems, and fulfilled commitments to everyone else and THEN thinks of her. It irritates a woman to no end when she thinks that a man doesn’t think of her until after everything else has come and gone. Most men think calling to say hi should be good enough to keep us happy. And if you put in your work and you have legitimate reason, then it is. But, if you routinely seek out your woman last, and don’t ever make her feel first, then you can count on being single real soon. We no likey…

Situation: Your ignorant female friends who do not acknowledge your girl…

Why she’s mad: If your woman had a male friend who routinely disrespected you by not acknowledging you (not greeting you both when together, pushing up on her, call at all hours of the damn night, etc) then you’d flip out on him and her after a while. But, for some reason you all seem to have that one chick that doesn’t get that it’s impolite to look directly past your girl like she’s not there and speak and converse ONLY to you. Then when your woman wants to punch her in the face and you defend your ignorant ass friend (she ain’t meant it like that, maybe she didn’t see you standing there), do not be surprised when she wants to punch you too. A word of advice: put your ignorant female friends in check…or your girl will.

Situation: I don’t always answer my phone/texts. She ain’t my momma. Why she be trippin when I don’t answer?

Why she’s mad: I’m gonna go out on a limb here, but if your woman is trippin because you don’t answer the phone, she might think you doing something you have no business doing. And…shockingly, she’s usually right. This isn’t the “one-missed-call-flip-out” type chick I’m talking about. I’m talking about the legitimate girlfriend or wifey type chick. Here’s a secret men: if a woman doesn’t know what you are doing after a few hours and can’t reach you to find out, then she begins to make stuff up. She will think, “OMG, he may be dead, had a car accident, got pulled over, may be in the ER…” But, inevitably that turns into “who the hell is he with that got him unable to answer the phone for 6 hours.” Just pick up the damn phone if you can. But if you’re the type of dude who doesn’t answer “just cause”, then be prepared for the side-eye every time.

And a final word to you men…if you EVER piss a woman off so badly that she can’t complete a string of sentences and then ends the conversation by smiling, nodding and saying “okay”…then you need to run.

Woman: Why you ain’t come home last night????!!!!

Man: Cuz I was out!

Woman: With who? Who had you out all damn night?!????!!

Man: Don’t worry about it. It’s none of your business anyway! (murmuring “bitch” under his breath)

Woman: Oh so you not gonna come home….and you got the nerve to just….and then talk to me like…..(standing back, folding arms, eyeing you up and down and nodding her head)…Okay!

Ha, ha…run, negro, run!

A majority of my notes, they tend to stem from conversation(s) with some crazy yet entertaining friends of mine and this one is no different.  I guess when you spend so much time working and trying to be an adult and time to relax eventually comes around, the craziest conversations are had.

A conversation that I had early last year (2008) with a group of black male friends concluded that online dating was a negative because it shows that the guy isn’t capable of meeting people in real life and had no ‘game’ which would then lead to searching online.

Although, I agreed with some of the points listed in the aforementioned paragraph, I was quite intrigued as to why we would consider it such taboo without trying it. As a result of that conversation, the ‘rebel/researcher/social experimenter’ in me decided to do the unthinkable.

***I actually joined E-Harmorny.com.  I was on there for 3 months not knowing exactly what I was looking for. ***

I was quite anxious about joining an online dating site because:

I was concerned that someone that knew me would find me on there

If I met someone on there and actually liked someone, would I even consider pursuing it?

I was unsure if this was a social experiment or if I had any interest in the actual service

I probably would not believe what people on their presented themselves as

I definitely was not going to tell anyone

So I decided not to waste money subscribing to something I was committing to haphazardly and only lasted 3 months on there for the following reasons:

I refused to put up a profile picture (didn’t want to be recognized by someone I knew)

I was impatient with the pace of the matching process and e-conversations

I was afraid of what the results might be

Some Results:

I have told maybe 3 people that I even tried it and it has been over a year

I did see profiles of 3 women that I knew in real life on there. (Not Snitching)

I never had any face2face meetings or phone conversations. All via site

I only had 2 decent l conversations in 3 months; 1 teacher and 1 grad student in mid 20s

I was way too impatient with the pace of the process and conversations, not for me

This leads to some other questions though:

1. Is it really that taboo for us to use these paid dating services (excluding facebook, myspace etc)?
2. If you did it, would you tell anyone?
3. How would your parents/family feel about someone you ‘paid’ to meet?
4. We are already using technology more to bring the world closer together.  We facebook/text/twitter birthday wishes, we email parents while at work, we rarely talk on the phone anymore. Is this really that crazy an idea?
5. Is it the ‘paid’ aspect that makes it taboo? In comparison to a blind date or someone you meet on a free social networking site such as twitter, mypsace, facebook etc?

Just food for thought…..

I can admit I’ve had a disdain of sorts for radio hosts like Michael Baisden and Steve Harvey.  Until now I haven’t really been able to articulate the root of this disdain but recently I think I figured out where it came from.  It’s not Mr. Baisden or Mr. Harvey that I can’t stand, its their audience.  More specifically it’s the people that call in that have me disgusted.  See, the people that call into Mr. Baisden or Mr. Havery’s respective shows are pretty close to retarded.  When I say “retarded” I mean that simple common sense seems to eludethem like a Leprechaun’s gold at the end of a rainbow.  I honestly think I’m a little jealous that these two men have been able to turn basic common sense into lucrative books and radio shows.

Take yesterday for instance.  While briefly flipping through the stations I hit the Michael Baisden show and they were in the middle of discussing the topic of men putting their foot down and not having to beg their woman to be able to hang out with their boys.  A female caller said that she believed there were some things that men should have to give up once they are married, like going to the strip club.  She then tried to go into some sob story about how her man got some stripper pregnant and blah blah blah.  Baisden stopped her and said something that seemed like common sense to me:

“If he was going to the strip clubs before; if he was out in the streets before:   Shouldn’t you have discussed that before you got married to him?”

Duh.  What’s with women forgetting this simple fact of life?  It’s amazing to me when I hear women say that once they get married they expect their husband’s behavior to change.  Let’s get one thing straight.  Rarely do people change that drastically.  They pretend to change.  They hide it well.  But do not think for a minute that your man is going to suddenly change into Prince Charming when he says “I Do.”  I can only attribute it to some genetic delusion that most women have in believing that somehow THEY can change and mold a man into what they want.  For the last time, a man is only going to change when and if he wants to.  I understand that every woman believes they have the golden vagina born to this earth with the power to change and bend a man to their will, but I must inform you that is a myth.  The truth is we men tell you what you want to hear.  You want a Christian man?  Of course he reads the Bible every night before he goes to bed.  You don’t want someone with strings attached?  Of course all his ex’s are crazy and he doesn’t talk to them.  Men are like Law & Order detectives.  We tell you what you want to hear in order to gain your trust so you will confide in us.  It sounds evil but it’s the cold hard reality.  It’s part of the game.  It’s almost like embellishing on your resume.  It’s your job to separate fact from fiction.  And truthfully, it should not be that hard to do.  If his boys are untrustworthy manwhores and he spends a good portion of his time hanging around and with them….chances are, he’s got a little manwhore in him too.

And before you say “Not my man”, yes your man too.  If he was going to strip club once a week before he married you, sure, he might tell you he’s not going anymore but the truth is, that “poker game” at his boys house every other Friday comes with “Live Entertainment.”  Here’s a novel idea.  Instead of trying to change your man, how about you take him for what he is?  If you don’t want your husband going to strip clubs then maybe you shouldn’t date then marry a man that likes to go.  If you want a man to treat you like a queen, maybe you shouldn’t date a man that treats his baby mommas like dirt (Maybe you just shouldn’t date a guy with a kid to begin with).  I firmly believe that the divorce rate is so high in this country because people rush to get married without ever really understanding that forever means forever.  When you marry someone with the intent of being with them forever, then you need to know exactly what you are getting into.  If he demonstrates behavior you are not happy with, then you should discuss it with him before you get married and then wait for him to change…if he changes.  If he doesn’t change willingly on his on, then you should move on.  See, the woman that doesn’t think her husband should go to the strip club because of what happened in her previous marriage will get cheated on again.  She didn’t learn the lesson.  The problem wasn’t that her man went to a strip club; it was that he wasn’t faithful.  A faithful man could be on the set of a porno film and still go home to his wife without having done anything inappropriate.  This woman’s husband cheated on her with a stripper but it could have easily have been some woman from a gym, a coworker or some random woman from the grocery store.  Deep down inside she knew he wasn’t trustworthy but she thought that would change.

So ladies, stop thinking you can change your man.  He is who he is.  Either accept that or move on.

Kriss & Dylan are in the studio with special guest “The Black Becky”. The show starts off grimy off the top. From having sex with old men to women on women to discussions about how to save face as a jumpoff. We then go to politics and whether or not racism is the real problem. Also, Kriss points out some interesting facts about some of the loudest voices on the conservative side. The show ends with a story about some really stupid mental health officials in Washington State.

There’s a problem with getting the show on iTunes for new subscribers. If you already get the show on iTunes you’re fine but if you’re looking to find us in the iTunes store it’ll probably be a couple of weeks until we’re back up and running. You can manually add us to iTunes by going to Advanced->Subscribe to Podcast and then add this url. We’re looking for writers for TheInsanityReport.com and guests for the Insanity Check Podcast. If you are interested, email us at InsanityCheck@theInsanityReport.com. Also hit us up if you’re good with graphic designs or music production (we’re looking for a new opening for the podcast). Join the Facebook Group for weekly updates on Facebook or follow us on Twitter.

Now the question is quite facetious obviously but there is a point to this. Chris Brown’s physical abuse of Rihanna seems to be on everyone’s mouth these days especially now after this Larry King interview.

Meanwhile, men abuse women in so many other ways these days (and vice versa) and the common folk let these things slide everyday. Here are some quick examples……

A man gives his woman one helluva Christmas gift: and incurable STD

A man cheats on his woman

A man impregnates a woman and leaves her to carry the burden (dead beat father)

A man emotionally abuses a woman in so many different ways on a daily basis (attacking her self esteem, verbal threats, demeaning her in public etc)

A man cheats on his woman outside of his race lol

A man comes out that he is gay and has been on the down low, the entire time in the relationship

A man raids the joint account of the family and runs off with another woman

Now….don’t get me wrong. Two wrongs NEVER make a right and I will NEVER condone any of these actions listed above and….

Here is the point:

While all of you are looking outside of your lives into Chris Brown’s lives, take a look in the mirror and make sure that you are not aiding (as a woman putting up with any of this nonsense) or actively causing the damages listed above.

If so, please check yourself before you start checking others.

G’ Night!

Kriss & Nola Darling talk about bad parents and how people need to learn that in order to be a good parent, you forfeit certain things…like going to an R rated movie when you can’t find a baby sitter. Then the two discuss the Caster Semenya case where a gold medal woman athlete is being asked to prove her gender. This leads to a convo about sex changes and whether they should be allowed. Next is a discussion on interracial dating. The show ends with a clip from Morning Joe about Health Care and the myth that just because we have the best innovation doesn’t mean we have the best Health Care System.

There’s a problem with getting the show on iTunes for new subscribers. If you already get the show on iTunes you’re fine but if you’re looking to find us in the iTunes store it’ll probably be a couple of weeks until we’re back up and running. You can manually add us to iTunes by going to Advanced->Subscribe to Podcast and then add this url. We’re looking for writers for TheInsanityReport.com and guests for the Insanity Check Podcast. If you are interested, email us at InsanityCheck@theInsanityReport.com. Also hit us up if you’re good with graphic designs or music production (we’re looking for a new opening for the podcast). Join the Facebook Group for weekly updates on Facebook or follow us on Twitter.