Topics for the show:
Kriss and Ryce are back from the DR
All you can drink…for Free???
Fantasia attempts suicide
If he tells you he’s divorced, how about you double check?
Dan Quayle’s son says Obama is the worst President in history
Did Republicans forget George W. Bush’s 8 years already?
Dr. Laura uses the N-Word
White people…you can use the N-word…just be prepared for the consequences

We’re looking for writers for TheInsanityReport.com and guests for the Insanity Check Podcast. If you are interested, email us at InsanityCheck@theInsanityReport.com. Also hit us up if you’re good with graphic designs or music production (we’re looking for a new opening for the podcast). Join the Facebook Group for weekly updates on Facebook or follow us on Twitter.

Did you hear?  Tiger Woods is back in the game of Golf.  He’s playing the Masters at Augusta.  Sure we have 2 wars going on, a Health Care Bill that just passed, a terrible economic climate and bunch of other “seriousy things” (said in a Sarah Palin voice) going on…but at least we get Tiger back playing Golf.  We’re saved.

Of course you’ve heard about Tiger Woods and his “dramatic” return to golf.  How could you not?  The media is on Tiger’s jock like a cocktail waitress who moonlights as a C-list porn star. These are the same fools that spent tens of thousands of dollars in tuition for journalism school just so 10 years later they could be standing outside a random sex addiction rehab clinic in Mississippi hoping to report on whether Tiger Woods is in fact treating his fictitious “sex addiction.”  On face value it’s completely absurd that we are spending this much time and attention on a billionaire man who (un)shockingly cheated on his wife.  It’s a simple formula to me:

Man + power + Shit loads of money – Time away from family + Dash of Opportunity + A gaggle of women wanting to get a taste of that power penis  = A cheating celebrity

But hey, it’s the American media.  They haven’t met a train wreck (or runaway balloon) that they didn’t want to cover. Here’s my main problem with the coverage.  It’s covering this story as if it’s shocking and amazing that a billionaire athlete was getting something on the side.  The sad reality is, rich people with too much time on their hands and power they probably aren’t mentally ready to handle, are going to find themselves in bad situations like this.  So when I hear that a billionaire athlete is cheating on his wife, it’s not a shock to me.  What DOES bother me is the asinine and idiotic ways these fools are doing it.  I understand when the regular guy cheating on his wife gets caught and ends up screwing himself and his life forever.  But when you’re making this kind of money, I would think self preservation of one’s financial security would make you more careful when dealing with these kinds of situations.  If I had money, I’d have one guy on my staff whose job would be to emulate Winston Wolf.  Hell, I might start a company:  The Winston Wolf Problem Solving Group.  I’d focus on cleaning up celebrity messes and helping them to avoid situations like the one Tiger Woods, Jesse James and a slew of other celebrities have gotten themselves into.

Since 2010 is turning into the Chinese “Year of the Whore”, I’ll give you all a preview of some of the rules my company would help these celebrities understand.  It’s real simple.  There’s only three.  Rule number one:

If you’re thinking about stepping out on your marital commitment…DON’T

Simple enough.  It pretty much makes the rest of this conversation unnecessary.  Follow this rule and you can stop reading and go back to whatever you were doing with your life.  No lawyers, no alternate weekend visits with the kids, no having to deal with the other person taking half.  It’s the easy solution.  Follow this, problem avoided and you can move on with your life.

The End.

Wait…you’re still here?  Okay fine.  You’re like most human beings.  You think the rules either don’t apply to you or that they are meant to be broken.  Fine.  Be that way.  Rule number two for those of you who are just intent on risking your good marriage, loving family and nice bank account:

DON’T STEP OUT ON YOUR MARRIAGE.

Do you hear me now?  Seriously, what are you doing?  Are you trying to become “THAT” guy (or girl)?  You know who I’m talking about.  You know, “THAT” guy, the one that has to pay a ridiculous sum of spousal support that could probably buy their former significant other a small island nation.  I mean, cause you do know you’re going to get caught right?  No one gets away with cheating forever.  NO ONE.  Even if you think your significant other is oblivious they aren’t.  They’re either just ignoring it and/or cheating too.  So how about you just don’t cheat?  Make it easy on yourself, your spouse, your kids, your wallet…stay committed.  Either that or just don’t get married.  Saying “No” is an option.  But if you’re gonna go that route I also ask that you use protection and don’t start building a little league team with your own DNA (I’m looking at you Weezy). But that’s a topic for another day…

So let’s say you’re just dead set on sticking your cock into someone not your wife or twirling on someone else’s penis that isn’t your husband.  Apparently you have an iron clad plan for keeping the affair secret, you don’t care if your significant other takes half and the person you’re cheating with has a genital area lined with golden fleece and you just HAVE to give it a try.  Fine, so be it. I don’t recommend ignoring the first two rules but if you do, then please…at the very least listen to Rule #3:

Make a lateral move or a forward pass

What does this mean?  It means that if you’re going to cheat on your significant other, at the very least do it with someone on the same level as you…or better.  I guess it’s the “power trip” that comes with it but men seem to love cheating on their wives with some regular downgraded chick.  Look at John Edwards.  Granted, Rielle Hunter does look better than Elizabeth Edwards.  But John was running to be President of the United States.  THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.  And the best he could do was the camera girl?  Come on.  That’s absurd.  I guess that’s par for the course though.  Bill Clinton was getting his Popsicle licked by an intern.  A gotdamn intern.  A temporary summer employee, usually filled by a college student.  The man with the NUCLEAR CODES.  You mean to tell me he couldn’t find a decent looking republican congresswoman to get his jollies off to?  Then maybe he would have gotten even more done.  If you’re President, you have to make an equal trade.  If Barack ever cheats on Michelle it better be with another Head of State’s wife…like say a Carla Bruni.  Of course that’s how wars get started…but at least that’s a reason I can get behind.

There are several reasons why “the lateral move” rule should be followed besides the obvious “You can do better” reason.  First off, if you are sleeping with someone who has just as much (if not more) to lose as you do, you won’t have to worry about “The Tiger Effect”.  The “Tiger Effect” is defined as having one or more low level mistresses coming out the woodworks in an attempt to milk 15 minutes of fame from having sucked and fucked a famous cock.  A woman (or man) with nothing to lose and everything to gain from your fame will view your reproductive organs as a gateway to success.    It’s a job that eventually leads to a payday.  Someone with just as much to lose on the other hand, views an affair as a clandestine operation that is under a strict “need to know” order, separate from their everyday life.  To that person, exposure of your affair hurts them as much if not more than you.  Therefore they have a vested interest in discretion.  And I’m talking real discretion.  Not that fake “I’m going to expose myself as a mistress but then claim I want to be out of the media attention” discretion.  If more people did lateral moves, we would not have Karrine Steffans as a bestselling author or Kat Stacks putting out “How to be a Whore For Dummies” Youtube videos.  We wouldn’t have to watch as Jesse James’ mistresses slowly come out giving interviews about how “They didn’t want to hurt Sandra Bullock and just want to be left alone by the media”, yet they’re the ones coming out the woodworks shouting “I had Jesse’s penis in my mouth.”

Another reason the lateral move is good is because….no one cares when you make a swap out or upgrade.  Take Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  While there was some coverage (and still is) about how Pitt dumped Jennifer Aniston for Jolie, the truth is Brad & Angelina get more coverage as a “beautiful couple” than some evil spawn of unfaithfulness.  Why?  Because we all saw the same scene in Mr. and Mrs. Smith and came to the same “Yeah they need to have sex in real life” conclusion.  Not to mention, an Angelina Jolie trumps a Jennifer Aniston any day of the week.  It’s just like in football.  If it gets you positive yardage, everyone will talk about how brilliant and awesome the move was.  Even if your form was flawed, sloppy and completely lacking fundamentals…if it moves you forward, people will tout your abilities.  But if you’re doing like Tiger and you get caught boning the cocktail waitress barely making minimum wage with tips, it’s like you just ran a play that lost you 15 yards from scrimmage.  You’re setting yourself up to be criticized and hounded about why you made such a boneheaded move.

The case of Jesse James’ infidelity is a perfect example of how the “Lateral/Forward Pass” move works and the consequences of when you break it.  Jesse James went from a porn star to Sandra Bullock.  He met Sandra while he was still married and I think it’s fair to say, there was probably a little “infidelity” there.  But guess what?  It was a forward pass.  Hell, it was a fucking Hail Mary.  No one really cared that James might have cheated on his second wife with Bullock. Why?  Because he upgraded from a porn star to Sandra fucking Bullock.  If anything they were asking themselves “How the hell did he pull that off?”  But then like a typical greedy human being, he got cocky, complacent and just downright foolish.  While his more famous wife is out filming a movie that eventually won her an Oscar, James is out fucking a porn star tattoo model.  It’s like he was running a kick off back for a touchdown…got to the 1 yard line, turned around and ran back to the opposite goal line and got tackled for a safety.

Again, I can’t stress enough that the first two rules are golden.  If you follow them, you won’t have any problems.  If you think you’re going have problems staying faithful, don’t get married.  I’ve never really understood celebrities (particularly men) who get married when they spend 75 – 80 % of their time away from home and their family.  All that time away from home plus limitless access to money with women ready and willing to help you break your vows is a recipe for infidelity disaster.  Sure, we could debate about how it SHOULDN’T be that way.  We could close our eyes and ears and pretend we live in a Utopia world where people resist easy temptations like that.  Honestly, even the strongest willed person can crack under those conditions.  But we’re all human right?  We break rules.  It’s not right, I don’t condone it…but I understand it happens.  Now let me say that if you do go to rule three and you pull it off?  You should immediately start following the first two rules.  Why?  Because you’re not going to be able to pull a repeated lateral move every time.  It’s not easy to do.  You’ll get sloppy and mess it up.  So stop being greedy.  If you get lucky to pull this off, thank your lucky stars you were rewarded for your bad behavior and don’t test your luck again.  If you find yourself struggling to be faithful.  Get a divorce and realize…maybe marriage isn’t for you.  It’s really that simple folks.

BEIJING (AFP) – More than 24 million Chinese men of marrying age could find themselves without spouses in 2020, state media reported on Monday, citing a study that blamed sex-specific abortions as a major factor.

The study, by the government-backed Chinese Academy of Social Sciences, named the gender imbalance among newborns as the most serious demographic problem for the country’s population of 1.3 billion, the Global Times said.

“Sex-specific abortions remained extremely commonplace, especially in rural areas,” where the cultural preference for boys over girls is strongest, the study said, while noting the reasons for the gender imbalance were “complex.”

Researcher Wang Guangzhou said the skewed birth ratio could lead to difficulties for men with lower incomes in finding spouses, as well as a widening age gap between partners, according to the Global Times.

Another researcher quoted by the newspaper, Wang Yuesheng, said men in poorer parts of China would be forced to accept marriages late in life or remain single for life, which could “cause a break in family lines.”(Source)

Look at it this way ladies…you could be a man living in China.

At a wedding recently, I was engaged in a conversation with another guest who said that she ‘would never marry someone who grew up in a single home’ because she would run the risk of marrying someone who does not place the same value on marriage as she does.

At first, I was completely taken aback(sp?) by the statement but after another hour of discussion (between a  few dances, drinks etc) I could at least meet her halfway.

After all we are a product of our surroundings right? I wouldn’t say that I agree with her completely but I do believe that a couple has to have some serious conversations about the value they place on family and marriage. Just because someone came from a broken home might in fact mean that lacking both parents would have provided a motivation to not repeat the same and in contrast, someone who grew up in a two parent home filled with unhappiness and turmoil might see marriage as a waste of time.

This leads me to several questions (half rhetorical/half genuine):

1.       How much of a role do the marriages in our immediate surroundings play in how we approach our relationships as young adults?

2.       Have our parents failed us by giving up too easily on their marriage and not realizing its impact in our approach to relationships (if any)?

3.       As young adults, are we unaware of the difficulties in maintain a marriage and unable to reflect on what we are exposed to? Does this contribute to a lot of our apprehensiveness in committing to long term relationships or dropping the ‘M’ word today?

4.       Is the younger generation being more strategic by getting married later and pursuing self interests first before making hefty commitments? Or is this just an excuse to stay clear of the risks of failing in a marriage?

5.       Are our parents failing us by constantly reminding us of our ticking clocks therefore forcing some of us into marrying too early despite the fact that we live in a much different society than they grew up in?

6.       I could go on for days with these questions: but more importantly does it matter what our parents think or do in regards to managing their own relationships as it relates to young adults eventually accepting the risks of marriage and making a commitment?

Disclaimer: My parents have been married for over 20 years but they have had their share of issues. I mean issues to the point where at one point, I suggested that they get a divorce and get it over with. But their resolve to continue to redefine why they are staying together and make it work is even more impressive. Which brings up another point: the cultural aspect. My parents as a result of culture did not just marry each other, both families married each other. So if ever divorce is imminent, its not just their decision. It’s a family decision!

Truthfully, I have learned a lot from them on how to move forward with my life when it comes to relationships, I have more questions that I am trying to figure out but I am glad to have them as a good example to base some decisions off.

Extra! Extra! Extra!

Here are some statistics on marriage trends in the past 10 years; needless to say they have gotten ‘worse’ since the early century. (Take these for what they are worth, I did not do thorough research to validate these numbers and did my best to represent the statistics well)

As of 2002 in the United States per divorcemag.com:

% of population that is married: 59% (down from 62% in 1990 and 72% in 1970)

Median age of first marriage (Males: 26.9 and Females: 25.3) in comparison with the Median age of first divorce (Male: 30.5 and Females: 29)

Median duration of first marriages that end in divorce (Males 7.3 years and Females: 6.8 years)

% of married people who reach their 5^th anniversary (82%), 10^th anniversary (65%), 15^th anniversary (52%), 25^th anniversary (33%) and 35^th anniversary (20%).  Anything beyond this would start taking death into account so we will leave that alone.

As of 2004 per the U.S. Census Bureau

For black people: Duration of first marriage for those whose first marriage ended in divorce (Male: 9 years, Females: 8.3 years)

Some other research show that: 50% of first marriages end in divorce with over half of those divorces occurring between ages 20 and 30 years old. As of 2003, 43.7% of custodial mothers and 56.2% of custodial fathers were either separated or

divorced. And in 2002, 7.8 million Americans paid about $40 billion in child and/or spousal support (84% of the payers were male).

Seemingly the older you get, the less likely you are to divorce for the first time. I am sure if we dig into more recent data, the numbers would look slightly different. I will hypothesize that more divorces occur now between ages 30 and 45.

Now back to the question: have our parents failed us or at least contributed to our current somber state as we deal with relationships?

I woke up this morning to a comment by a colleague which really fucked my mind. This comment led to a discussion about women having to take on their husband’s surname when they eventually get married.

The confusion for me was….why is this up for discussion? I figured, I couldn’t be the only sane person out there who just thought that it was common sense for common folk like us to EXPECT that the woman take on the husband’s surname. Apparently, this is not the norm.

Before even considering marriage, there are plenty of questions that both partners need addressed before making such a lifetime commitment such as:

-         which religious affiliation(s) do we raise our kids under?

-         do we want to raise our kids in the city or suburbs?

-         how many children do we want to have?

-         where will our careers take us etc.?

These questions are negotiations…that need much thought/discussion.

Never did I ever think that ‘taking on the husband’s surname’ would have to be added to this list.

There are only a few situations where I could even see myself conceding to such a ridiculous idea, try this:

-         the wife to be has already built a ‘brand’ using her maiden name (entertainers, research scientists etc and they need to continuity in how their body of work is credited (even in this situation, I would suggest she take my last name legally but use her maiden name for her profession)

Ok, I sad a few situations…but I can only come up with one so far! I will leave room in my mind to possibly concede to 1 or 2 more (gotta be really convincing though).

Then there are the  sneaky ways of doing it such as;

-         changing your middle name to your maiden name (my mama gave me my middle name for a reason, she would SLAP me if I tried that). Add another name to the list and have 4 then. Fuck it…change your middle name…its YOURS!

-         Putting a hypen between the maiden and husband’s surname. (Get off the damn fence and make up your mind).

Sorry these excuses don’t count:

-         My last name sounds better

-         I like the way my name flows now

-         I make more money so he should take my last name

-         Everybody else is doing it

-         Whats the big deal?

-         I am an independent woman (go impregnate yourself then)

This new age woman sh!t is really starting to be on OD status…whats next…the kids have to take your maiden name too?

That is my gripe for today…carry on.

NAIROBI, Kenya – A Kenyan man’s offer of 40 goats and 20 cows for Chelsea Clinton’s hand in marriage may still be on the table – and Hillary Rodham Clinton has promised to convey the “very kind offer” to her daughter.

To laughter at a town hall meeting Thursday in Kenya, CNN’s Fareed Zakaria asked the U.S. Secretary of State if the Clintons had made a decision on the dowry offer. In 2000, a Kenyan man wrote to then-president Bill Clinton offering the animals in accordance with African tradition.

After a pause, Clinton said, “My daughter is her own person, very independent, so I will convey this very kind offer.”

Clinton has denied rumors that her daughter, 29, is planning to get married this summer. (Source)

This might be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.  A Secretary of State being offered a dowry for the hand of her daughter.  The only funnier than would be if Bill was interviewed and asked “Well…what do these goats look like?”  Kudos to Secretary Clinton for maintaining her composure because if it had been me I might have responded with “Motherfucka are you crazy?”

Once again, this show hits a new low.  It’s Kriss, Dylan and special guest “Monica” and the show is bananas.  First up, Kriss and Dylan celebrate the end of Lent by being able to drink.  Dylan claims he gave up sex for Lent one year but Kriss and Monica aren’t buying it.  Kriss explains why he has a problem with people overly religious on Easter. In the course of the discussion, Dylan sorta convinces Kriss to become Catholic.  Next up is a discussion about what consitutes a whore and relationships over all.  Kriss and Dylan decide to write a book.  If Steve Harvey can write a book about relationships, after failing 2 times, then they can.

There’s a problem with getting the show on iTunes for new subscribers. If you already get the show on iTunes you’re fine but if you’re looking to find us in the iTunes store it’ll probably be a couple of weeks until we’re back up and running. You can manually add us to iTunes by going to Advanced->Subscribe to Podcast and then add this url. We’re looking for writers for TheInsanityReport.com and guests for the Insanity Check Podcast. If you are interested, email us at InsanityCheck@theInsanityReport.com. Also hit us up if you’re good with graphic designs or music production (we’re looking for a new opening for the podcast). Join the Facebook Group for weekly updates on Facebook or follow us on Twitter.

One of my friends on Facebook put up a status message telling men to make sure they get a prenuptial agreement.  Like a fat kid on a candy store shopping spree, the women were all over him.   It seems to be almost offensive to women to say a man should get a prenup.  The word itself sends women into a frenzy.  As a man, this phenomenon is extremely perplexing.

I view a prenuptial agreement as marital insurance.  You get car insurance to protect your car (and yourself) in case of an accident.  You get homeowner’s insurance to protect your house.  Life insurance can protect your family from a mountain of costs in case of an untimely death.  A prenup protects you in case something goes wrong with your marriage.  Now some women (and men) believe that by asking for a prenup you are starting off your marriage with the expectation that it will fail.  They believe that marriage is built on love and therefore shouldn’t require a safety net or entertaining the thought it might not work out.  I give kudos to those with that line of thought because they are far bigger gamblers than I could ever be.  Let’s think about it.  In a perfect world we wouldn’t have to wear condoms because everyone would only sleep with one person, their wife/husband who they are ready to have a family with.  But the fact is, we all know to wear condoms because that’s not the case.  People sleep around and get diseases and people get pregnant when they arent’ ready.  It’s not that you don’t trust the person you are sleeping with or you expect to get a disease from them…you just want some protection in case there’s a problem.

Through my own personal observations, I’m a little skeptical that I could go into something that’s supposedly lasts forever without a backup plan.  Things can go wrong.  No matter how in love you are at the beginning, sometimes it falls apart.  My parents were together for 25+ years before they got a divorce.  TWENTY-FIVE YEARS.  I’ll honestly admit that my parents getting divorced after so many years has shaped my view on love and marriage.  I no longer see marriage as some infallible institution.  Mistakes happen, people lie and sometimes it just doesn’t work out.  I chuckle every time I hear about someone getting engaged or married before 30.  I don’t know why there seems to be such a rush to jump into a commitment that last for the rest of your life.  I can’t be the only one that thinks “How do I know I’m not going to be ready to kill this fucker after 20 years?”  I met a woman this weekend who is getting married after knowing a guy for 9 months.  NINE MONTHS.  9 months of vetting for a lifetime commitment.  Hell, the Presidential campaign lasted 22 months and we’re only letting President Obama have 4 years before we force him to do it all over again.  You have to excuse me if I’m a little cautious and want an insurance policy in case things don’t work out.  Getting married without a prenup is like getting a life sentence without the possibility of parole.  You’re in it for the rest of your life and there’s no good way out of it.

The divorce rate is currently sitting around 50%.  FIFTY PERCENT.  And that’s just the people that decide to get out of the marriage.  That doesn’t take into account the couples that don’t talk to each other, don’t sleep in the same bad, can’t stand each other or those that cheat on their spouses.  You add those in there and I’m certain the marriage failure rate is up at 75%.  So a prenup is just to protect those who don’t fall into that 25 – 50% that go on to live happily ever after (or those that pretend to be).  A prenup should simply state that both parties leave with what they came in with and split what they built together 50 – 50.  This ridiculous belief by some women that they deserve more than 50% is laughable.  Unless you were a real housewife, meaning you cooked homemade meals, cleaned, stayed at home and took care of the kids…you don’t deserve extra.  Let’s be real, in this day and age women hand the kids off to the babysitter or stick them in front of the TV and Xbox, hire someone else to clean and most couldn’t boil water let alone cook something that required them to do more than pop a TV dinner into the microwave.  So no, you don’t get extra for that.  This “I’m the one that takes care of the kids, cooks and cleans” argument is a myth because in this day and age both husband and wife either split those duties or outsource them to someone else.  Let me state it again, IF a woman is doing all those things then she deserves more…but lets be open and honest and admit that its not the case 9 times out of 10.  If there are kids involved, then obviously whoever is bearing the brunt of the parental duties should get more compensation, however, a real man (or woman) won’t need the court to tell them how much they should pay out for their kids.  This notion that you deserve more than half because you pumped out 3 kids is ridiculous.  Unless you were an idiot and married a good for nothing man, then both of you took turns changing diapers, staying up late, etc.  If not, then you were too stupid to properly vet the man who you let seed you up and therefore you aren’t entitled to more money because of your own stupidity  Next time think twice before letting squeeze off in you (Same goes for the men.  Think about who you are impregnanting before you do it). Consider it an “Idiot Tax”.

Now there are those that say that if people spent more time understanding “Who, WHY and When” before they get married then we wouldn’t have a divorce rate so high and getting a prenup wouldn’t be necessary.  I agree.  People that get married and divorced at the drop of a hat are just bad as those women who use abortion as a form of birth control.  Unfortunately we don’t live in that world.  We live in a world where women are told they have to get married before 30 and men are told they are “afraid of commitment” if they don’t rush to buy a ring for their girl after 6 months.  Its not that we are afraid of commitment, we’re just cautious and aware that in all honesty only diamonds are guaranteed forever. A lot of people give into outside pressure and get married when they aren’t truly ready for it. Then 10 years later they are sitting in divorce court.

Oh, and by the way, prenups just aren’t for guys.  If a woman is coming in with better credit, more money and more assets then she too, should get a prenup.  Marital insurance people.  It’s not planning for an inevitable failure, it’s having a plan in case of failure.  You don’t buy car insurance expecting to get in an accident, but if you do have the unfortunate happen, you’re glad that you have it.

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Ryce is recovering from the bird flu. She survived taking NyQuil and nighttime Theraflu. Kriss shares his story about taking a double shot of NyQuil. Kriss’s mom got in an accident, she’s okay but Kriss explains a couple of funny stories that show that, while he loves her, she’s kind of a weirdo. Speaking of weirdos, Rudy Giuliani and Michele Bachmann prove that they are bat shit crazy. The show ends with a discussion of prenups and why everyone should have one.

There’s a problem with getting the show on iTunes for new subscribers. If you already get the show on iTunes you’re fine but if you’re looking to find us in the iTunes store it’ll probably be a couple of weeks until we’re back up and running. You can manually add us to iTunes by going to Advanced->Subscribe to Podcast and then add this url. We’re looking for writers for TheInsanityReport.com and guests for the Insanity Check Podcast. If you are interested, email us at InsanityCheck@theInsanityReport.com. Also hit us up if you’re good with graphic designs or music production (we’re looking for a new opening for the podcast). Join the Facebook Group for weekly updates on Facebook or follow us on Twitter.