It’s been a minute since I’ve ranted about driving in the DMV, but its summer time and nice weather not only brings out crackheads and fat women in spandex (and other inappropriate clothing) but also bad drivers.  You would think that nice weather would make for better driving conditions but I contend that it’s worse.  First you have all the newly graduated from high school kids that finally suckered their parents into buying them a vehicle that is a) way too expensive for a rookie driver and b) too big for them.  Nothing strikes fear into my heart more than driving behind a car with that big ass yellow “Rookie Driver” sticker on it (even worse are the one that have the homemade Rookie driver sticker.  That means they haven’t even taken the damn test).  Then I think the hole in the ozone layer has effectively fried the logic portion of a lot of people and all the knowledge they had about driving has evaporated leaving them with an incomplete instruction set on how to operate their vehicle.  There’s also the influx of “foreign” drivers.  Summer time means yard work and you know those of us born in American abhor manual labor.  So that means Jose and Jesus, will be all over the road, without valid licenses or insurance.  Oh what a fun summer it will be.

To prove this point, I wanted to mention a couple of “Driving No No’s” that I’ve witnessed over the last week or two.  Again, its quite disheartening to have to write these.  Cars can be deadly weapons and its unbelievable that people don’t have to retest every so often to be allowed to drive one.

Your Turn Signal Isn’t an Option
I think I know why people don’t use their turn signal.  See, turn signals are usually yellow…and when you see a flashing yellow light what do you think?  “Caution, the light is about to be red…you SHOULD think about slowing down.”  So people think that because slowing down at a yellow light is an option, putting on their turn signal is an option as well.  Let me help you out there….ITS NOT!!!  Now I’ll admit, when I’m blazing down the highway like I’m Jeff Gordon and there’s no cars near me…I don’t put on my signal.  The law says I should but hey…there’s no one around.  However, in bumper-to-bumper, rush hour traffic…guess what?  USE YOUR FUCKING SIGNAL.  Now I’ve become pretty good at spying turn signal delinquents.  You can tell these ass clowns cause they start easing over towards the lane they want to get in, but not completely.  You hang back thinking you’re being the courteous driver and letting them get over, but after 5 miles they still don’t.  Best believe as soon as you decide to speed up and past them, that’s when they’ll get over.  I especially love the fuckers that put their signal on 2 seconds before they are making a turn or switching lanes.  What the fuck is that?  That’s the equivalent of trying to put the condom on right before you ejaculate.  A lot of things have to go right to avoid creating a mess.  Oh and what the hell is up with fucktards that decide to change lanes without looking?  Is this the new version of Russian Roulette?  In the last two weeks I’ve been nearly side swiped 4 times because the asshat in the other vehicle didn’t even cop a glance at their mirrors.

Know Where You Are Going
Everyone has turn-by-turn GPS capabilities now.  EVERYONE.  I stopped to ask a homeless man for directions the other day and even he had a TomTom attached to his shopping cart.  So, there is no reason for you to not know where the fuck you are going.  This means you should know that you need to be in the left lane to make that turn at the upcoming light.  It is not my obligation to slow down just because you put your left turn signal on (as you drive in the far right lane) and allow you to cross over 3 lanes of traffic to get where you need to go.  Even if you don’t have a GPS, the Google Maps direction told you that your next turn was going to be on the left.  Get in the left lane …or even better, get in the middle lane.  Your car doesn’t have mutant powers, it cant phase through other cars on the road.

Don’t Cut Me Off to Go Slower
One of the leading causes of road rage is when you’re driving along, maintaining a reasonable speed and some douchebag decides to cut you off.  Not only do they cut you off…but they then decide to go slower than the speed you were cruising at.  It’s a mind boggling occurrence because usually they cut you off because they are behind someone going slow.  I know this might seem complicated.  But try to follow me.  If you are behind someone going 50 mph, and you want to pass them, just switching lanes and going 50 mph isn’t enough.  You actually have to go FASTER than them in order to pass them.  I know, complicated Physics.

Your Car Does Accelerate
When merging onto the highway, the line is called a “Acceleration lane”.  Guess what that means?  It means you FUCKING ACCELERATE. I got stuck behind someone the other day who didn’t understand that.  I’m coming onto the highway and this dumbass is just sitting there.  What the Hell?  Put your foot on the damn gas and get into traffic.  I really wish there was a way I could revoke people’s diver’s license on the spot when they do something that damn stupid.

You Don’t Have to Come to a Complete Stop to Make a Turn
This is one of my greatest pet peeves.  You’re driving along the high way when all of the sudden the person in front of you decides to make a right turn.  Let’s say they even put their signal on in advance so you know they are going to turn.  But instead of slowing down just enough to easily coast around the corner, they slam on their brakes and come to almost a complete stop.  Then they ease around the corner with the speed of snail trapped in cold molasses.  Even worse is when you see the person ahead is turning, and they’re going into the turn at a reasonable speed…when all of the sudden they slow down and the tail of their car is still sticking out into the road.  What part of “There’s traffic coming, get your ass out the way” is difficult to understand?

Parking
Maybe this should be here because it’s not driving, however I feel that if you can’t park…you shouldn’t be allowed to drive.  Think about it.  Do you think they let pilots take airplanes up if they can’t land the gotdamn plane?  Of course not.  I used to hear this “I can drive but I can’t park” spiel all the time from people and it would slowly eat away at the logic portion of my brain.  So let me get this straight.  You can navigate your car using complex maneuvers and lightening quick reflexes during bumper-to-bumper, rush hour traffic on a major highway…but parking inbetween two stationary vehicles proves to be too much of a challenge for you?  How the FUCK is that possible?  And do you realize just how retarded you sound saying that?   I believe parking should be ¾ of the driving test.  If you have a hard time judging distances and figuring out where your car is relative to other objects…take the gotdamn bush.  Parking correctly involves proper use of your mirrors and being able to judge distances…two FUNDAMENTAL parts of being a good driver.  The last ¼ of the test should be pulling out/backing out of a parking space.  If it takes you more than 5 seconds to back out of a parking space, chances are…again…you suck at driving.  Mofos treat driving like we treated space flight back in the 70’s.  Taking off and flying through space…no problem.  But when it comes time to land (i.e Park)…ah, fuck it…let’s just crash land in the ocean somewhere.  WTF?

Kriss and Ryce are in the studio. Kriss starts off railing against driving, particularly speed cameras and people that drive slow in the fast lane. The topic then changes to Kriss and Ryce giving the Top Ten Things wrong with Corporate life. It’s a pretty extensive list (You can read the original post here). Kriss and Ryce then discuss President Obama’s trip overseas to the Middle East and Europe. Kriss talks about how in order for there to be peace, both sides need to admit their faults. The show ends with Kriss playing Never Going Down by Jaxx. You can get Jaxx’s mixtape “The Death of Jay Titty” here.

There’s a problem with getting the show on iTunes for new subscribers. If you already get the show on iTunes you’re fine but if you’re looking to find us in the iTunes store it’ll probably be a couple of weeks until we’re back up and running. You can manually add us to iTunes by going to Advanced->Subscribe to Podcast and then add this url. We’re looking for writers for TheInsanityReport.com and guests for the Insanity Check Podcast. If you are interested, email us at InsanityCheck@theInsanityReport.com. Also hit us up if you’re good with graphic designs or music production (we’re looking for a new opening for the podcast). Join the Facebook Group for weekly updates on Facebook or follow us on Twitter.

Texting while driving, an increasingly popular practice that has caused high-profile accidents in recent years, could result in a $500 fine under a ban approved Wednesday by the Maryland House of Delegates and earlier by the Senate.

Gov. Martin O’Malley has said he will sign off on the prohibition, which would take effect Oct. 1, adding Maryland to a short but growing list of states that bar sending messages while behind the wheel. This year, 33 states were considering similar proposals, according to AAA, and Virginia’s governor signed a ban into law Monday.(Source)

On the surface this seems like a really good (common sense) idea.   But after further reading you realize that this is your typical government idiotic knee jerk reaction that doesn’t really think things through or solve a problem.  How do I know that?  Because of this:

The House plan prohibits writing or sending text messages from a phone or hand-held electronic device, such as a BlackBerry, while a driver is in travel lanes – even if stopped at a red light or in bumper-to-bumper traffic. But unlike the Senate version, it does not outlaw reading messages.

Oh why Lord did you make politicians so stupid?  Accidents aren’t caused because a person’s hands aren’t on the wheel, they’re caused because the person’s EYES AREN’T ON THE ROAD!!! You can text with one hand and drive with the other.  Hell, I drive with one hand usually.  If you’re going to outlaw something solely because both hands aren’t on the wheel then eating while driving and drinking a cup of coffee should also be illegal.  Now I’m not saying those things are smart things to be doing while driving, but they aren’t outlawed.  Reading however is probably the most dangerous thing you can do while driving though.  Why?  Because you can’t read something AND see where you are driving at the same time.  It makes no sense to ban writing/sending a text message but not reading one. What was the logic behind that?  And I won’t even get into how this is virtually unenforceable.

Also one thing I caught and I’m really hoping is just left out of the article is that it reads as if only text messages apply.  What about emails?  Facebook?  Twitter?  I’ll have to read the actual Bill to see if it’s ALL messages but knowing how retarded politicians are…I’m not holding my breath.

I haven’t had a good driving rant in a while so I figured there’s no better time than the present considering that during the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas, roads in the DMV (DC/Maryland/Virginia) area transform from major metropolitan transportation conduits to some paved asphalt equivalent to the Four Horse Men of the Apocalypse.  I’ve talked about this before, specifically I-495 (The Capital Beltway) being equivalent to the 5^th circle of Hell.  You’ll remember from that post (linked here) that on the list of Top 24 Worse Highway Bottlenecks the Captial Beltway appeared not once but twice.  Read that post over again to get more explanation why the Capital Beltway should be higher on that list (Also good reading for those that will be coming in town for the inauguration).

Anyway, I want to go into some tips for driving in the DMV.  I know the title of this post says specifically the Capital Beltway, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it really needs to be for all the major roadways.  The DMV is one of those places where all the major highways are no more than 25 miles apart from each other.  That means if you need to go from Northern Virginia to Baltimore, you could pass by or travel on just about every major Highway in the area.  So what I’ve done is listed each of the major Highways and some comments one how to approach them.  I’ve used characters or themes from the bible because, well…parents sometimes use the Bible to scare their kids straight and if you are planning on traveling on one of these roads during rush hour on Christmas Eve…we need to scare you back to reality.

The Baltimore Washington Parkway (295) – The Forbidden fruit.
The BW Parkway is equivalent to the forbidden fruit in the story of Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden.  No matter what anyone else tells you or what your GPS/Google Maps directions say or what the traffic report is, between 3:30 pm and 7 pm on a weekday DO NOT drive on 295.  You’ll be tempted to because it is the shorter distance to get to Baltimore.  But what no one tells you is, everyone else from Maryland already knows its going to be backed up so it doesn’t even show up on the traffic report.  It’s implied.  To be honest, I have a love-hate relationship with the Parkway.  I return to it like a beaten housewife returns to her abusive husband, knowing that it will once again let me down.  Two times this year I’ve sat in traffic for 20 – 30 minutes because of an accident that has blocked both lanes.  I know that doesn’t sound bad, but when it’s 1 AM and you’re trying to get home before that last vodka tonic kicks in, that can be a pain in the ass.   I’ve also had to deal with twice having the on ramps blocked because of an accident so bad they weren’t letting more cars onto it.  The temptation though is that on a good day I can get from Greenbelt to Downtown Baltimore in 15 minutes.  Because you generally can’t see how bad the Parkway is before you get onto it, its really a gamble.  It’s like fucking a dirty Mexican hooker…raw.
Tip:

The BW Parkway is only drivable (Drivable meaning traffic actually moves) during the following times (I really only drive North so I’m only giving that direction)

6 am – 11 am going North Monday through Friday

6 am – 10:30 am going North Saturday and Sunday

Drive after 12pm on any day of the week at your own risk.  Flip a coin…you have a 50-50 chance.

George Washington Parkway (395) – Judas
The GW Parkway acts like it’s your friend, giving you above speed limit driving during early rush hour traffic before dumping you off on 295 or 66  or some other incredibly backed up road that makes you want to commit seppuku in order to avoid the agony (I actually keep a samurai sword in my trunk for this purpose).  Now I’ve never driven on 395 any later than 4 pm and that’s because doing so would mean driving through DC during the height of rush hour, in which case I would be better off just parking my car and walking home.
Tip:

Only drive on 395 if it is before 3:30 pm and knowing that once you get off of it you are fucked.

Baltimore Beltway I-695 – Satan Mini-Me
If the Capital Beltway is Satan then the Baltimore Beltway is the result of Satan pulling a Dr. Evil and creating a smaller, albeit not as evil, clone of himself.  I know people in Baltimore will probably disagree with me but the truth is, 695 isn’t that bad…as long as you know your way around the side streets.  I remember cussing and fussing my way around 695 during my years in college much the same way I do now around its much more evil twin 495.  However, I alieviated a lot of that stress by utilizing side streets and ducking on and off of 695 repeatedly until I got to my destination.
Tip:

Learn the alternative routes.  There are multiple ways to get somewhere off the Baltimore Beltway, some just as bad and others are not too bad.  Ask a friend from Baltimore and they can give you the 411.

The Capital Beltway/I-95 – The Prince of Darkness Himself
I’ve included I-95 because I-95 and I-495 are like evil conjoined twins that conspire to ruin any DMV driver’s day.  I’m convinced these two highways are living breathing organisms with their own set of parasitic-like gremlins that conduct mayhem at all hours of the day with the sole purpose of ruining my day.  The first thing you should know is that at any given point in the history of these highways, there has always been some major or traumatic traffic altering construction going on.  Take a couple of  weekends ago for instance, when they blocked the right two lanes to drill holes into the road (at least that what it looked like to me) creating a 10 mile backup.  That occurred from 10 am to at the very least 3 pm.  I’ve seen this same thing happen at 11pm, 3am and I swear one time during rush hour (Those workers were nervous as hell cause they knew everyone wanted to kill them).  I-95/I-495 also have the ability to lower the mental capacity of drivers by about ¾ .  When you consider that your average Virginia driver has the driving knowledge of a retarded 10^th grader, by the time you put that same driver on the Capital Beltway, you’re dealing with a primitive caveman surrounded by steel and a combustible engine.  And don’t let it rain, or God forbid snow, while you are on one of these roads.  I’ve seen less panic in those old Godzilla movies with the lip synching Japanese running around.  The moment the first drop of rain or snow flake hits the asphalt, I-95/I-495 become a parking lot full of red brake lights.  Honestly, at night around this time of year it’s actually quite festive looking…until you realize that you’ve been sitting in the same spot for the last hour.  Seeing the multitude of salt trucks parked on the side of the road doing nothing also adds to the frustration, especially when you are sliding around the beltway the next morning wondering just where the fuck your tax dollars went.  Lastly, 495 in particular likes setting you up.  Take this morning for instance.  I got to work in 20 minutes.  I left work at 3:30 thinking that I would be able to duplicate not only my morning drive but the drive I had yesterday afternoon around the same time.  An hour and ten minutes later I could only chuckle to myself saying “Damn you Capital Beltway…You got me once again.”
Tips Survival Guide

1.  The first thing to do when you have made the fateful decision to drive around the Beltway or up 95 during rush hour is to make sure you have the appropriate music in your car.  Since I am cursed to drive around 495 every day for work, I have absolutely ZERO R&B in my car.  I don’t care if I’m going on a romantic date or not.  If I have to pick the bitch up during rush hour around 495, we’ll be getting into the mood with some hardcore Rap.  In order to survive 495 you need to be more angry and more aggressive than the other drivers on the road.  Otherwise you’ll be bullied off the road by some sleep deprived trucker or some illegal alien in a Honda Civic packed full of Mexicans.  Personally, I prefer some Eminem (preferably something off the Slim Shady or Marshall Mathers albums).  My frat brother gets in the mood with some Ice Cube Predator.  You’ll know you’ve found the right CD when you can no longer control the urge to let out a random ‘Fuck you’.

2.  Stretch your middle finger.  Seriously.  There’s nothing worse than trying to communicate with another driver that’s cut you off and catching a cramp in your middle finger.  People always say that’s rude but I think they’ve just never driven on 495.  Giving someone the finger is the easiest and safest way of letting them know how you feel.  If you were to stick your head out the window you’d likely be decapitated by one of those aforementioned sleep deprived truck drivers or some 90 year old grandmother who can barely see over her steering wheel.

3.  Make sure you leave an hour early.  It’s the only way to be sure.

Well that’s it.  Seriously, avoid driving in the DMV on Christmas Eve.  I’m braving the traffic tonight cause I know it’ll be 100 times worse tomorrow.  If you do decide to go out, leave a comment and I’ll pour out some liquor for you.

Cheney Steps out of his Bunker
The real life Super Villian himself, Dick Cheney as emerged from his evil lair to grant the “liberal media” soundbites and interviews before he’s finally kicked out of the Oval Office. First up was him saying that Obama will appreciate the increases in Executive Power that the Bush Administration enacted. In an interview with Rush Limbaugh (If Evil Super Villians needed a Press Secretary, Rush would be it), Cheney said:

“We did not exceed our constitutional authority, as some have suggested,” Cheney added. “The President believes, I believe very deeply, in a strong executive, and I think that’s essential in this day and age. And I think the Obama administration is not likely to cede that authority back to the Congress. I think they’ll find that given a challenge they face, they’ll need all the authority they can muster.”

Honestly, reading that, was like watching Emperor Palpatine trying to corrupt the young Anakin Skywalker to the Dark Side or when Darth Vader was asking Luke to join him by his side. Geez Cheney, you’re right, suspending civil liberties does make governing a little bit easier but isn’t that the point? The job of the Government is such a difficult and taxing one because they have to do their job without trampling on the civil rights of their citizens. I love the line “We did not exceed our constitutional authority, as some have suggested.” The people that Cheney is referring to are those that have actually read the Constitution and not just used it as paper to wipe their asses with as he has been doing for the last 8 years. But wait…there’s more. In an interview with ABC news Cheney said the following in regards to the CIA’s controversial interrogation tactics:

“I was aware of the program, certainly, and involved in helping get the process cleared,” Cheney said in an interview with ABC News.
Asked whether he still believes it was appropriate to use the waterboarding method on terrorism suspects, Cheney said: “I do.”

This is why your first name is Dick, you dickwad. You’re supposed to say NO. First off, you’re not supposed to admit to being the one who got the process of torturing mofos cleared. I guess the fear that Bush is going to lay down a blanket pardon is justified. Then, you’re not supposed to say that waterboarding is appropriate. Of course it’s torture, of course it’s wrong and of course you’re still going to do it. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AT LEAST ACT LIKE YOU HAVE SOME KIND OF HUMANITY IN YOU. Even if it’s pretend…WTF

US to Start Arming Afghan Militias
Oh what could possibly go wrong with giving U.S weapons to Afghan militias? Seriously, I sometimes wonder if the idiots in the government have picked up a history book. I seem to recall something in history class about the C.I.A. arming Afghan militants against the Russians back in the 70’s. I think I even did a timeline on something like this. Let’s see, we trained them in how to fight an insurgency, how to make IEDs, we even trained them to use Stinger missiles. Fast forward 30 years and we are now fighting the remnants of those CIA trained militiamen in Iraq, Pakistan, Somalia, and Afghanistan. I think we call them Al Qaeda. Duh. And if the U.S. can’t remember history from 30 years ago, how about from a couple of years ago. Those Iraqi militias we gave weapons too, sure, they helped fight Al Qaeda…but they didn’t give the weapons back (who would) and now they pose a threat to both Iraqi Civilians, the Iraqi Government AND our troops. Good policy guys. I know Obama’s talked about doing something similar to this and I swear, I voted for the guy but I still say if he supports this, it’s a pretty idiotic thing to do. WTF

Caroline Kennedy wants Clinton’s senate seat
Does anyone else find it as funny as I do that there are Clinton loyalists questioning Caroline Kennedy’s qualifications to be a Senator? Are they forgetting that when Senator Clinton ran for her Senate seat, she had barely been living in New York and only had her husband’s name as her credentials? I was watching Morning Joe and they were talking out the side of their necks again. Joe and Mika (who is slowly starting to annoy the hell out of me) were saying that with the election of Obama, the American people have shown that they are tired of political family dynasties. Okay, that’s only half right. The American people are tired of Bush/Clinton political family dynasties. America LOVES the Kennedys. And considering that the most prominent Kennedys were associated with Obama during the election, I doubt that America is tired of them (Remember the love from both sides of the aisle that Ted got when he was at the DNC?). Caroline was very instrumental in Obama’s campaign and she would be an excellent choice. And if she does a bad job, then she’ll be voted out in 2 years. What’s the problem? WTF

PTA Official caught half naked with 13 year old
What about a 13 year old, barely hitting puberty boy does something for a grown ass woman? What woman gets horny and goes “Damn, I really want some pre-teen boy cock?” The other question I have is why are women always getting themselves caught up in this? Like they always get caught red handed cause they either get pregnant or they do like this idiot does and tries to have sex with a little boy in the backseat of her car (in an Elementary School parking lot)…WTF

A first down is generally 10 yards
Attention Jim Zorn. A first down is typically 10 yards. That means you want plays that go for 10 yards or more. If it’s 3rd and 5 yards…that means you have to go 5 yards to get a first down. That means….STOP IT WITH THE 2 YARD PLAY ON 3RD AND LONG. I’m tired of this shit. I have two Redskins on my Fantasy team this year so I decided to give them a chance again this year after having a relapse and buying into the “it’s the Skin’s year this year” bullshit.  Try throwing the ball down the field you douchebags…WTF

Washing your hands
How hard is it to wash your hands after using the bathroom? I used to think that shit was automatic like breathing but apparently to people at work it’s a foreign concept. These nasty bastards be going from the urinal (or worse, the stall) straight to the door bypassing the sink all together. Would it kill you to at the very least fake it and get your hands wet. Something.  Anything…WTF

Driving Tip of the Day
If you are on a two lane highway and you’re in say the right lane and there’s a driver to your left and they put on their turn signal…DO NOT SLOW DOWN OR SLAM ON YOUR BRAKES!!!! You’re going to cause an accident. The person behind you will run into your car. It is the responsibility of the driver beside you to slow down or speed up to get into the next lane…not yours. I almost got into two accidents last week cause the fuckwad (copyright pending on that word) in front of me slammed on their brakes to let a car over. Stop it, it’s not rude to keep going…it’s the law…WTF

Mariah Carey
If Mariah is in fact pregnant with his seed, Nick Cannon will go down as the smartest man to ever live. Think about it. On paper, dude is mediocre at best. He’s like the cool guy working at the back of the Burger King…you know, the one that freestyles and tells jokes during lunch break that always thinks he can make it big…but we all know they aren’t getting any further up then fry duty. That’s who Nick Cannon should be. He should be sporting a Burger King cap and standing behind the counter when one of us decides to “Have it your way”.  But he got Dumline and was able to milk that 15 minutes of fame for everything it was worth (Take note Superhead, New York and all the other 15 minute of famers out there). Think about it, what has he done of significance since Drumline other than bang Christian Milian and marry Mariah Carey, the #1 crazy bitch of all time. I have to be honest, I thought he was stupid for doing it but turns out Nick has it all worked out. Marry a Crazy Bitch. Get her pregnant. Get her crazy ass committed for being a psycho. Spend her money. Gotdamn…dude is a genius.  He’s turned himself into the male version of Anna Nicole Smith except he married an older HOT chick and he’s not battling a drug and weight problem…yet…WTF