So the debate over “civilian terrorist trials” just might be the dumbest political debate we’ve had in recent memory.  Seriously, every time this debate comes up, part of my brain goes on strike from the human race.  The most outspoken person has been perennial dark sith lord Darth Cheney and his apprentice/daughter Liz Cheney.  Neither Cheney have minced their words for any of the half dozen to dozen times they’ve come down from Earth’s orbit in their Death Star to rain down criticisms of President Obama for apparently “weakening this nation”.  Nevermind the fact that 9/11 happened under Cheney’s watch, Al Qaeda in Iraq was created under Cheney’s watch and terrorist incidents around the globe increased during that time.  But the Cheneys are not the only one.  Former Bush speech writer Marc Thiessen has been island hopping from news show to news show spewing falsehoods from his book “Courting Disaster: How the CIA Kept America Safe and How Barack Obama Is Inviting the Next Attack”.  The basic premise is that by ending the CIA program of “enhanced interrogation techniques” and other morally questionable programs, President Obama has crippled our national security.  It’s completely bogus.

Let’s make one thing clear.  “Enhanced interrogation techniques” are torture.  Period.  Water boarding is torture.  Throwing someone into a false wall with a chain around their neck…is torture.  Putting someone in a stress position for hours and hours…is torture.  How do I know?  Because if a police officer were to do these to illicit a confession from a suspect, not only would the confession be thrown out but the police officer would be in jail.  Contrary to popular (misinformed) belief, non-US citizens do have protection under our Constitution.  You hear this a lot from people like Cheney and Thiessen and its then regurgitated by the masses who don’t know any better.  President Obama isn’t “giving” rights to foreign nationals.  They already have them.  Just because someone is from another country, doesn’t mean that all the rights afforded U.S. citizens under the Constitution do not apply to them.  I mean think about it.  Do you see the U.S. military arresting and prosecuting foreign nationals for crimes?  No, you don’t.  Even fictional TV Shows like 24 don’t do that for dealing with terrorists.  What Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld did though was redefine “enemy combatants” so that they could treat a subset of people outside of the law. For the nerds out there it’s like they pulled a Reed Richards and built a prison in the Negative Zone.  It’s a blatant circumvention of the Constitution and it’s sickening to watch people defend it and make money defending it.  The Supreme Court itself said that the Bush Administration was wrong.  After being told by the Supreme Court that the military tribunals they set up for these “enemy combatants” lacked “the power to proceed because its structures and procedures violate both the Uniform Code of Military Justice and the four Geneva Conventions signed in 1949” the Bush Administration threw a hissy fit and got Congress to authorize these “military tribunals” to once again, circumvent the Constitution.  And why was all this done?  Simple…to detain, hold and torture Muslim men.  Period.  Enemy combatants was redefined broadly but somehow, only seems to really be use in the most egregious ways against Muslims with Middle Eastern backgrounds.  See, I don’t remember anyone questioning the fact that John Walker Lindh was read his Miranda Rights.  But back to torture.  The American people have been lead to believe that without these “harsh interrogation techniques”, we’re crippled to fight terrorism.  If that’s true, then it’s a sad day.  Not because President Obama stopped the program, but that we’ve had to rely on that.

Using torture as an Intelligence gathering technique is like using cliff notes to write a book report for your College English Literature class. Sure, it  might get you out of a jam at that moment but over time, it has diminishing returns.  In order for torture to be effective, you have to keep escalating it so that people can’t be trained to resist.  You think waterboarding was created by the U.S. military?  No of course not, its been around for centuries.  The more you use torture, the more other people can prepare for it.  Torture is wrong and illegal.  But if you’re going to use it, it should be in only the most extreme cases, as a scalpel, not as a sledge hammer to indiscriminately use on everyone with a  Muslim sounding name.  And it should most certainly not be your best option for gaining information.  Yet that’s what Cheney, Thiessen and others claim.  “Not continuing these programs have severely hampered the CIA’s ability to do it’s job.”  Really?  Secret prisons and torture methods are the CIA’s best weapons in intelligence gathering?  That’s both absurd and scary.  I would have actually supported the Bush Administration is they just came out and said “Yeah, we tortured these men.  They were pricks, they deserved it…we didn’t need to use it to get information but damn it…they were pricks.”  But they didn’t do that.

The truth is, the Bush administration is trying to clean up their image before history judges them.  The truth is for 8 years the Bush Administration had knee jerk reactions to terrorism that truthfully lead to more victories for Al Qaeda than it did for us.  9/11 happens and the Bush Administration gets Congress to pass laws that make McCarthyism and the Red Scare look like a Constitutional hiccup.  Even terrorist attempts that failed lead to knee jerk reactions.  Taking our shoes off to walk through scanners or not being able to have any liquors such as water bottles, lotion or mouthwash.  None of them really solved the problem but they made it LOOK like the Bush Administration was doing something.  In reality, it made the people of this country give up more of their civil liberties and freedoms than Osama Bin Laden could have even dreamed of taking from us.  And for what?  Even with torture.  Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was water boarded 183 times in a month to try to find a link between Iraq and Al Qaeda during 9/11.  That produced no intelligence.  But it’s our best tool against terrorism?

My biggest problem with this debate is the hypocrisy of it all.  I’m talking about how all these GOPers, Tea Party supporters, the Glenn Becks and Sarah Palins of the world who are always talking about how “radical” President Obama is and how he’s looking to expand the Government’s power and transform this country in to a police state…how all of them seem to ignore the fact that President Bush’s Administration consistently poked loopholes into the Constitution in order to violate civil liberties.  In addition to the Patriot Act (one of the most egregious violations of civil liberties in recent memories), President Bush also use powers granted to him by Congress to issue Presidential Military Order “Detention, Treatment and Trial of Certain Non-Citzens in the War Against Terrorism”.  In a nut shell, this gave President Bush and Donald Rumsfeld power to deem whoever they wanted an “enemy combatant”.  The President and the Secretary of Defense had authority to label individuals as enemy combatants, lock them up indefinitely and subject them to torture.  Yet President Obama proposes Health Care and he’s the second coming of Mao.  Republicans were against expanding the Hate Crimes law because it put crimes on certain groups above those of others.  Yet here they quietly sat by as the President of United States blatantly segregated one ethnic group.  Sure, there are those that will justify their hypocrisy by saying “This only applies to non-U.S. citizens.”  Yeah, for now.  Our policies so far have been based on knee jerk reactions, what’s to say the next attack, if done by a U.S. citizen won’t be an unreasonable reaction too?  I mean, it’s not like we’ve ever wrongfully imprisoned a group of our own population out of fear.  Oh…wait.

facepalm (plural facepalms)

1. A gesture of bringing one palm or both palms to the face, with various interpretations.
2. To bring the palm of one’s hand to one’s face as an expression of mixed humor and disbelief or disgust or shame, for example, when one is caught off-guard with a particularly bad pun.
3. To bring one’s face down to one’s cupped hand or hands.

So with all the craziness going on in the world on a weekly, even daily, basis, I decided it was time to make a new category so that at the end of each week I could recognize people, events or situations that make us put our heads in our hands in shame.  At the end of the year don’t be surprised to see a few of these in the End of the Year WTF Awards (I already have 1 nominee).

Since this is the first time I’m doing this, I figured I’d make it special and hand out not 1 but 3 “FacePalm of the Week” awards.

First up, former Republican Secretary of State of Ohio, Ken Blackwell wrote a piece for FoxNew.com where he suggests that President Obama is implementing an “anti-Christian programmatic pogrom”.  Here…don’t take my word for it:

If Mr. Obama is serious about civility he needs to withdraw Dawn Johnsen’s nomination. If she is confirmed, we will see a radical anti-Catholic, pro-abortion zealot influencing policy thoughout the Justice Department—but also policy throughout the entire federal government.

What we are witnessing right now is an anti-Christian programmatic pogrom. What is a “pogrom” it’s the word that describes anti-Jewish raids by Cossacks and others in czarist Russia, but a programmatic pogrom best describes what is happening right now. These are not isolated attacks. And while we no longer have Cossacks to threaten, we now have left-wing bloggers who actually call themselves Kossacks (after the Daily Kos).

Honestly, every time I read it…I can’t help but literally do a facepalm.  Blackwell’s whole premise is loony.  First off, comparing anything Obama has done to anti-Semitic raids by “czarist Russia” is completely out of line.  President Obama isn’t locking people up who have different (if not just flat out stupid) opinions than him.  He’s not sending people to death camps to kill them for expressing their feelings…although in the case of Mr. Blackwell I wouldn’t shed a tear if he had a freak table saw accident.  If President Obama was really a tyrant, not only would Mr. Blackwell not be able to print such blatant bullshit but he’d probably be executed already.  Secondly, the examples of this “pogrom” that Blackwell gives are potential Obama nominees that have this silly idea that homosexuals should have the same rights as heterosexuals.  I know…radical and extreme

Creating rights to destroy rights. That sums it up well. The Supreme Court has already spoken to the issues raised in this case. In Boston, gay activists demanded to be included in the city’s annual St. Patrick’s Day Parade. But the parade was organized and run by an Irish veterans’ group that did not want its message hijacked by homosexuals. In 1995, the Supreme Court slapped down their claim 9-0.

The Supreme Court also recognized the right of association of the Boy Scouts. The Court ruled in 2000 that James Dale could not force the Scouts to keep him as a Scout leader after he had declared his homosexuality.

All of these cases put great financial burdens on churches and private colleges and voluntary organizations like the Scouts and the Christian Legal Society. The threat of lawsuits by well-funded, media-backed Leftist activists forces too many groups to cave in to pressure. And all our rights suffer as a result.

You know, I hate comparing gay rights to the rights of African Americans…but I swear, if someone said these things about a black person in 2010…we’d be stringing them up right now.  I mean come on.  It’s a “financial burden” to churches, voluntary organizations and other places to allow gays to participate?  Really?  Especially with an organization like the Boy Scouts, where we need every able bodied man we can get to mentor these young boys.  You know, I’d expect this kind of explanation for bigotry in the 80’s but it’s 2010 and Mr. Blackwell needs to get with reality and the time.

Next up we have the Baltimore Ravens and their decision to sign Donte Stallworth to a 1 year $900k contract (with $300k in extras).  Why is this worth a “Facepalm” award?  Because you’ll have to remember Stallworth was convicted of a DUI and 2^nd degree manslaughter just last year for running over and killing a man with his car.  Stallworth got 30 days in jail (serving only 24).  To give you some perspective, Weezy is getting a year for gun charges and Mike Vick spent 2 years for killing dogs.  Correction, Vick spent 2 years for running an illegal gambling operation.  I’m sorry but something just doesn’t seem right with Stallworth getting off with only 24 days in jail and being back to making a million dollars all within a year of him killin a man.  Yes I know, Reyes (the man killed) wasn’t in the crosswalk.  But Stallworth had enough time to “flash his lights” at Reyes…but still couldn’t avoid striking and killing him?  That to me sounds like his reaction time was impaired due to alcohol consumption and he should be still in jail.  But alas, if you’re rich…you can get away with shit like this.  And what the hell is up with the Ravens?  What are they trying to do?  Hold the record for most starting felons in the NFL?  I actually will boycott the Ravens this fall.  Only way my mind gets changed if I find out that Stallworth is donating his entire salary for the year to his victim’s family or the families of other DUI drivers.  Of course, that’s not going to happen.  Be too much like right.

Last but not least, I have to give a double facepalm to the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC).  Now I can admit, anything conservative related I can probably find something to laugh my ass off about.  I mean they just make it so easy, particularly now with them acting like a bunch of spoiled children because Daddy Obama told them they can’t stay out past 11 pm.  Anyway, CPAC has been filled with ‘facepalm worthy’ incidents and it’s only the first day.  Let’s count the facepalms shall we?

1.  Glenn Beck is the Keynote Speaker.  I’d have a joke or witty comment for this…but I’m at a lost for words right now.

2.  House Minority Leader John Boehner bitching about the President “wagging his finger” at him and “lecturing” him (psst…smart people tend to lecture idiots).  Also Boehner…weren’t you part of Congress when they were giving G. Dubbya a blank check for anything he wanted?

3.  Darth Cheney made a surprise visit from his Death Star and was greeted as a rock star (literally).  They chanted for him to run in 2012.  Blatant hypocrisy if you think about the fact the main complaint of these people is the “exploding deficit” and that not only was Cheney part of an Administration that caused that…but that Cheney himself said ‘Deficits don’t matter.”

4.  Taking a page out of the Sarah Palin playbook, Marco Rubio took shots at the President for using teleprompters….while two teleprompters were easily visible in front of him

5.  And finally my favorite.  Jason Mattera of the Young America’s Foundation said “Our notion of freedom doesn’t consist of snorting cocaine, which distinguishes us from Barack Obama.”  Keeping it classy.  Nice.

You gotta love the smell of hypocrisy and fuckery…smells a lot like the inside of an asshole.

In what can only be described as a move to solidify himself as a frontrunner to play The Penguin in the next Batman movie, former Vice President Cheney has once again decided to play “real life super villain” and has made his way in front of a camera to bitch about the way the Obama Administration is fighting the “War on Terror”.  Unlike current Vice President Joe Biden, I won’t choose my words carefully when talking about Dick Cheney:  Dick Cheney is full of shit.  Dick Cheney is full of so much shit a gallon of prune juice and elephant strength laxatives couldn’t empty this man’s bowels.  I honestly hate how the media treats the former Vice President with extra soft, down feather stuffed kid’s gloves.  Let’s point out a few things that the media seems to forget:

1.  Cheney says that the Obama Administrations approach to foreign policy is inviting another attack.  That’s rich coming from a guy who’s Administration championed the approach of removing troops and resources from Afghanistan (where the Taliban and Osama Bin Laden were) and instead, invaded Iraq…that had nothing to do with 9/11.  I fully believe that a credible case can be made that by letting Afghanistan become a complete clusterfuck, the Bush Administration allowed Al Qaeda to not only survive, but expand.  How quickly the former Vice President forgets that there was no “Al Qaeda in Iraq” until AFTER we invaded and overthrew the government.

2.  Cheney was the Secretary of Defense under the first Bush.  It’s no secret that a lot of those Bush officials weren’t happy with the way the first Persian Gulf War ended. This makes the charge into Iraq in 2003 even more scandalous.  Cheney and Rumsfeld basically ignored known terrorists and the safety of this country to finish a vendetta from the 90’s.  It’s the only way to explain how the Bush Administration had terrorists in their sights and then shot someone else.  Then again, I guess Dick Cheney’s not new to the idea of “accidentally” shooting the wrong person or thing.

3.  Amount of times Khalid Sheih Mohammed was waterboarded in a month:  183 times.  Amount of credible evidence he gave up that Saddam and Al Qaeda were working together:  0.  No one brings this up.  Dick Cheney’s whole argument is based off the myth that the CIA can’t do it’s job without the programs President Obama has gotten rid of.  Well torturing a guy 183 times in a month and getting no credible information doesn’t seem like a success to me.  Using torture to gather intelligence information is like using Cliff Notes to write a book report.  Sure, you can get it done but chances are the information is completely unreliable.  And here’s the real kick in the pants.  The break down over the Christmas Day bomber had more to do with the fact that the Bush Administration had a convoluted terrorist watch list and inefficient means of communication between agencies than whether we tortured a guy.  Which leads me to…

4.  We can only “harshly interrogate” the Christmas Day bomber because he failed.  If not for aware passengers (and a faulty detonator), that attack could have happened.  Considering there were so many names on the watch list and that a slip in the cracks would have happened under Bush as well…to say that this failed attack shows that President Obama’s Administration doesn’t take terrorism serious is intellectually lazy at best and completely dishonest at its worse.

5.  Whatever happened to the claim that challenging the sitting President’s decisions during times of war was unpatriotic and helping the terrorists?  Oh what’s that?  That only applies to Republican Presidents?  Because the way I see it, the way Dick Cheney is making shit up we should be allowed to hang him for treason by his own (and the GOP’s own) standard circa 2004 – 2008.

Again, Dick Cheney is full of shit.  None of his arguments or claims make sense when held up to the standard that he himself and the rest of the Bush Administration used for themselves.  What we have here is just another case of Republican sleight of hand.  Dick Cheney and the GOP gets the media to pay attention to their fist shaking at the Obama Administration for having the audacity to say “We won’t torture and the CIA was wrong for ever doing it” while their other hand cashes the checks they get from Halliburton and other defense contractors for the invasion of Iraq.  All that while Afghanistan was left to fester and swell up like an unchecked case of herpes. And the media falls for it.  Hook, line and sinker.

Topics for the show:
Happy Valentines Day or “Bitter cause I’m single Day”
The bullshit involved in Valentines Day
Prince Georges County and the State of Maryland are full of shit when it comes to snow removal
PETA goes on another bullshit campaign
Man who was prosecuted for taking a sword at men who broke into his house gets cleared
Linda McMahon (former WWE CEO) gets the smack laid down on her
Republicans and their great magic trick
Joe Biden goes at Dick Cheney

Also, I’ve been playing music from Jaxx’s “Death of Jay Titty” mixtape. Download the mixtape from here.

We’re looking for writers for TheInsanityReport.com and guests for the Insanity Check Podcast. If you are interested, email us at InsanityCheck@theInsanityReport.com. Also hit us up if you’re good with graphic designs or music production (we’re looking for a new opening for the podcast). Join the Facebook Group for weekly updates on Facebook or follow us on Twitter.

First things first, we’re back on iTunes. To subscribe all you have to do is search for “Insanity Check” in the iTunes store or click this link to subscribe.
Topics for this show:
Tiger Woods goes into rehab
The GOP politicizes the Christmas Day terrorist attempt
Darth Cheney Speaks again
Kriss & Ryce recap some of the stories from this year

We’re looking for writers for TheInsanityReport.com and guests for the Insanity Check Podcast. If you are interested, email us at InsanityCheck@theInsanityReport.com. Also hit us up if you’re good with graphic designs or music production (we’re looking for a new opening for the podcast). Join the Facebook Group for weekly updates on Facebook or follow us on Twitter.

Well it’s about to be the end of 2009 and the beginning of a new decade.  Since last year this site has come a long way.  We have new subscribers for the podcast (we’re  back on iTunes), readers of the website have increased significantly and I’ve spread my brand of insanity to Twitter as well.  I owe all the fun and success I’ve had with The Insanity Report to all of you all that support me (I’m tearing up here).  Thanks and I look forward to 2010 being even better…and by better, I mean crazier.

So without further ado, I give you the 2009 End of the Year WTF Awards.

Word of the Year “Injudicious”
Injudicious

in·ju·di·cious
adj.
Lacking or showing a lack of judgment or discretion; unwise.

I was thinking long and hard what would the word of the year be.  This was probably the hardest part of this entire write up.  I mean there are so many words that could encompass this year.  But I think Injudicious is the winner.  Lack of judgment?  Yeah, that’s a good description of 2009.  There was Method Man getting his car repossessed because he got too high to remember to pay his bills.  Lil Wayne and all the women he slept with who thought using condoms was optional.  Sticking with Lil Wayne, there was also that idiotic song where he has “Whip it like a slave” as the hook.  How about the man who called 911 over his orange juice? Then what about all the politicians that did dumb things after the election of Barack Obama?  Michael Steele doing the Heisman on Morning Joe.   Like the mayor who sent out the White House watermelon patch email? The media got in on the action with The NY Post decision to link a monkey attack with the stimulus plan.  Wolf Blitzer and the rest of the media’s brain dead following of Richard Heene and his made up “My son got carried away by a balloon that looks like a jiffypop.  Even the President himself got a little caught up in this when, while I understood what he was saying, started a national debate when he said the Cambridge police acted “stupidly” for arresting Professor Henry Gates for “breaking into” his own home. And when you read some of this year’s recipients, yeah…I think injudicious sums up 2009 nicely.

Loser of the Year
Jim Cramer
Jim Cramer stayed losing like a one-legged fat kid in a dodgeball game.  First he made the mistake of going on The Daily Show thinking Jon Stewart was “just a comedian” and in turn got himself embarrassed for almost 30 straight minutes.  Then Lenny Dyskstra went broke, which you would think didn’t really have anything to do with Jim Cramer…..except last year Cramer was telling people Lenny Dyskstra, the man who looks like he doesn’t know what day it is, was a financial genius.  And then finally, at the end of the year, Cramer was begging people to buy into CitiGroup…that it was going to be strong buy…only to have CitiGroup’s stock offering go so poor they decided to hold off on selling its stock.  Of course Cramer always has an excuse for what he “really meant.”  Bottom line, if you’re listening to Jim Cramer for stock advice, just get all the money you planned on investing and burn it in your backyard.  At least the fire will keep you warm for a bit.

Person of the Year
Orly Taitz
Seriously folks, imagine how boring 2009 would have been without Orly Taitz.  I mean sure, we had death panels, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, people bring guns to Health Care Rallies, Tea Party protesters and a whole slew of other crazy folks but really, was there any group that represented the truly insane nature of 2009 better than the “birthers.”  To make it even better, God gave us the gift of Orly Taitz as the face of the birther movement.  I mean, you can’t have someone who looks and acts normal as the face of a group of people that think Obama is a Nigerian born Muslim sleeper cell who has been conspiring to be President since he was in his mother’s womb.  No, you need someone with a mid-80’s jewish woman hairdo and look, a high pitched voice and the mannerisms of person so high on meth Gary Busey couldn’t hang.  Taitz is a lawyer AND a dentist.  That alone has me thinking of all kinds of crazy scenarios.  Like she gives herself a root canal and then sues herself for malpractice.  And don’t put it past her.  Orly Taitz is a certified nutcase. Honestly, best case scenario is that Taitz is addicted to nitrous oxide and that she huffs some before every interview or court case she does.  Taitz is so crazy that other birthers, who are undoubtedly insane in their own right, thought she was bat shit insane.  Some of the birthers she represented in her lawsuits thought she was so crazy that they asked her to be removed as council.  But the absolutely best moment (which solidified her as Person of the Year for me) was when she appeared on MSNBC with Tamron Hall and David Shuster.  You almost feel bad for her….almost. And like herpes, she just won’t go away either.  Just when you thought, with all her lawsuits dismissed and being chastised by clients AND judges, we’d be able to get out of 2009 without hearing from Orly, what do we get blessed with?  An 11-page love letter from a former client/lover/fellow nut case to her.  Seriously, I hope Orly donates her brain to science when she dies because this kind of crazy has to be studied in a lab.

Comeback Kid
Brett Favre
It pains me to do it because I loathe this man, but compared to what he was last season its like his fairy God mother showed up at midnight one night with a box full of accuracy and wand full “NotSuck”.  Now I will say I believe having the human Tecmobowl player Adrian Peterson as your running back does take a lot of pressure off of a QB.  But for now, Favre has made a successful comeback.  But don’t expect it to last too long.  Soon the clock will strike 12 and Favre will go back to the human turnover machine we’ve all come to expect.

“How the Fuck Did They Get Elected” Award
Michele Bachmann
Bachmann is such a nutcase that when you start to watch her speak, its as if you got transported to the dining table with the Mad Hatter in Wonderland.  Listening to some of the things that come out of this woman’s mouth, you have to start wondering what the demography is for her district in Minnesota.  I’m betting they run low on Reynolds Wrap constantly.  Since going over all of Michele Bachmann’s craziness for 2009 would be so extensive it would need its own post, I’m just going to focus on my two favorite ones.  First there were her claims about Obama trying to indoctrinate our kids.  See, the President had this crazy and underhanded idea to require our kids to have to do community service before they could graduate high school.  Well, republicans don’t like mandates…hence why we have the Patriot Act and warrantless wiretapping…cause civil liberties aren’t really requirements.  According to Bachmann, requiring community service is Obama’s way of starting our kids down the slippery slope of socialism indoctrination.  I can see that.  Socialism…social work…see, its basically the same thing.  First you have kids picking up trash, next thing you know they’re calling each other “comrade.”  But Bachmann’s crowning jewel was her claim of Sex clinics and abortion field trips.  No people, I can’t even make this shit up.  Don’t take my words for it…read Michele Bachmann’s words yourself:

The bill goes on to say what’s going to go on — comprehensive primary health services, physicals, treatment of minor acute medical conditions, referrals to follow-up for specialty care — is that abortion? Does that mean that someone’s 13 year-old daughter could walk into a sex clinic, have a pregnancy test done, be taken away to the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic, have their abortion, be back and go home on the school bus that night? Mom and dad are never the wiser.

Still don’t believe it?  Then fine…watch her say it.

Did you see that?  She seamlessly transitioned from physicals and “minor acute medical conditions” to somehow abortions.  I don’t even know how one could even begin to come to the conclusion she did even if they downed a whole bottle of 100 Proof Captain Morgan and then did a line of coke.  I mean I know we’re all a little crazy, but there’s something hilariously unsettling about watching Bachmann spew her craziness on the floor of the House.

Runner Up – Arnold Schwarzenegger
It sometimes makes me wonder just how shitty Gray Davis was that Californians were so disgusted that they willingly and knowingly elected Conan the Barbarian as their Governor.  Sure Minnesota has elected Michele Bachmann and Jesse ‘The Body Ventura’ but they redeemed themselves with Al Franken because Stuart Smalley has turned out to be one heck of a Senator.  But Schwarzenegger Cali?  Really?  The Terminator as your savior only works if your name is John Connor and this is the sequel.  In the middle of a financial crisis Californians elected him and 4 years later can we really be shocked that the man who during the first half of his career could only say 4 words more than the Incredible Hulk, couldn’t get the job done?  Are you really surprised?  Put down the legalized weed and pay more attention.  Do Better!!!

Buzzwords of the Year
“Redistribution of Wealth”, Socialism
I blame President Obama.  It all started with the 2008 election.  If he hadn’t taken that stroll and tried to explain his plan for the economy to an idiot plumber named Joe, maybe…just maybe “Redistribution of wealth” wouldn’t have been such an idiotic buzzword this year.  As it stands though, ‘Redistribution of Wealth’ and ‘Socialism’ became the rallying cry of the Tea Party protesters who claimed that Obama was the second coming of Karl Marx.  Hell, Glenn Beck’s popularity is based solely on this.  But its all a farce.  See, while Beck and the GOP claim that Obama is some kind of communist, interested in taking from those that have and spreading it to those who haven’t earned it…the facts just don’t bear that out.  See, if anything…Obama’s Administration has proven to be the epitome of capitalism.  I mean look at the stock market.  It’s exploded from what it was at the beginning of the year.  While Beck and others claim Obama is a “socialist”, pointing to low level officials like Van Jones…Larry Summers is CAKING.

Cheater of the Year
The Dynamic Trio – Mark Sanford, John Edwards and John Ensign
Yeah, I know…you’re thinking, “What?  No Tiger Woods?”  Yup, no Tiger Woods.  Tiger Woods playing an extra round of gold and sticking his penis in a 19^th, 20^th (or even 21^st) extra hole doesn’t really bother me or have an impact on my life.  Just further proves my theory that the bigger the star athlete and the increase in available va-jay-jay, the more likely the cheater.  However the 3 politicians that are sharing this award are receiving it for not only being incredible douchebags in the way they are getting it but also in the way that they either have or could have screwed us, the American people. Let’s look at them one at a time:

John Edwards – Last year’s “Worse Politician of the Year”, you would think the worse was over for Edwards.  Oh but no, it did get worse.  Not only did his wife Elizabeth give her first interview after the announcement of his infidelity on Oprah (As a man, that’s an automatic lost) but all signs point to Rielle Hunter’s baby being his.  Oh, and then there was the story that came out about how he promised to marry Hunter when Elizabeth died.  And to top it all off, as a reminded of just how much he could have screwed us all over, the 1^st site that pops up in Google when you type in “John Edwards” is his ‘John Edwards for President’ page.

John Ensign – It takes a certain set of balls to actively vote against Health Care Reform for millions of Americans when at the same time you’re under investigation for writing a check for $96K to family of your mistress.  Oh republicans…their moral compasses only work for other people. “I don’t understand why people can’t afford health care?  Just get the guy who’s sleeping with your wife to write you a check…duh”

Mark Sanford – Edwards and Ensign are asshats, but Mark Sanford he takes the cake.  Sanford had the passion of a Cassanova with the execution of say, a Mr. Bean.  It’s one thing to cheat on your wife, but its another to skip out on your kids during FATHERS DAY WEEKEND to get some nooky from your Argentinian mistress.  I mean, just not skip out of town and cross state lines.  No…I mean fly to ARGENTINA.  On FATHERS DAY. TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MISTRESS.  Oh…did I mention he also did this as Governor of South Carolina…leaving to fly to Argentina without telling anyone.  Then he acted surprised that people were so interested in just where the hell he went.  Sanford also happened to be one of those Republican governors that was “taking a stand” against accepting federal stimulus money.  Money that even republicans in the states senate desperately wanted to save the citizens of South Carolina = Bad.  Using State money to fly to Argentina for a piece of ass = Good.

Ether Statement of the Year *
Alec Baldwin vs Jack Cafferty
I like Jack Cafferty, I really do.  But sometimes even the good people need to be brought back down to earth.  Hell, I wake up in the morning and tell myself “You ain’t shit” just to make sure I stay grounded. Sometimes TV personalities can get caught up in their own hubris and well that happened to Cafferty when he tried to say that Alec Baldwin’s credentials to run for political office were questionable. Jack’s first mistake was overlooking Alec’s most impressive credential…being the only talented one out of the Baldwin brothers.  And Alec used that talent to….eviscerate Cafferty.

“Jack, you don’t tell people that a career in the performing arts disqualifies them from seeking elected office, and I won’t say publicly that your being convicted of leaving the scene of an accident in which you struck a cyclist and then ran two red lights while you were pursued by the police and were subsequently ordered to serve 70 hours of community service back in May of 2003 disqualifies you from posing as a “Man of the People” on a major cable news network.”

Ouch.  That kinda hurt my soul.

*Proceeds of this award go to Nasir Jones and helping him pay off that $51k a month alimony payment to Kelis

Dumb Fad of the Year
Snuggies
If you gave someone or you asked for a snuggie for Christmas, and you were serious about it…you my friend, have a serious mental issue that you need to have checked out.  I actually believe the snuggie is a covert domestic surveillance program by the Obama Administration to figure out just who the idiots are in this country.  In 2011, everyone who has bought a snuggie will find themselves rounded up in some kind of “camp”.  Seriously people, who pays $19.95 (plus shipping & handing) for  a blanket…with sleeves.  Are we that lazy of a people now? Even if (and this is a big if) you need to have a blanket with sleeves, how lazy are you that you can’t just buy a $5 fleece blanket and sew it together yourself?  I mean for $19.95 that shit should at least come with a hood so you can pretend you’re Obi Wan Kenobi.  And now they have snuggies for your dog.  What the fuck is that about?  Your dog has fur…he’s not gonna get cold in your house.  If your dog is getting cold in your house, he doesn’t need a snuggie, he needs an owner who isn’t too cheap to turn the heat up above “Arctic”.

Dumb Blonde of the Year
Carrie Prejean
You know, I didn’t really have a problem with Carrie Prejean’s ‘opposite marriage’ response during the 2009 Miss America pageant.  Compared to the bumbling fumbling Miss South Carolina (‘And such as’), Prejean wasn’t that bad.  Sure, it was a really stupid way of saying ‘gay marriage’ but what do you expect?  These pageant winners aren’t exactly the brightest bulbs in the pack.  Just be happy Prejean was semi-articulate.  Perez Hilton being the attention whore he is should have just left it alone instead of making some idiotic YouTube rant.  Instead, Prejean actually started to believe that she lost the Miss America because of her “Christian views” and this is where things started going downhill.  To point out hypocrisy in her “Christian views” racy pictures that Prejean had posed for topless were posted.  Then she was beefing with the California Miss America Pageant who turns out paid for her breast implants (And God said ‘Let there be silicon’).  Donald Trump got involved, first backing Prejean (She had a nice rack) and then a week or so later, firing her (Her Christian views wouldn’t let her put his penis in her mouth).  Also, I believe there’s a “sex tape” as well.  Somehow in the mist of all this fuckery, republicans looked at Prejean and, for reasons I can’t figure out decided, they would have her speak at one of their conventions/conferences.  Only thing I can figure out is that republicans have dubbed her the 4^th Horsewoman in the ‘4 Horsewomen of the Republican Women Who Say Really Dumb Things Apocalypse’.  She joins Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann and Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

“Please Shut the Fuck Up in 2010″ Award
Darth Cheney and his evil Apprentice/Daughter Liz Cheney
Remember during the last 8 years, when any of us that questioned Bush were called “traitors”, “enemies of the state” and that the “terrorists would win” if we asked such questions as “Hey don’t you need a warrant for that?”.  Well apparently part of the “Change we can believe in” was that all that went away…and leading that charge was none other than the Sith Lord himself, Dick Cheney.  We saw and heard more from Darth Cheney in the first half of 2009 than we did his entire second term in office.  He did more interviews about Obama “dithering” than he did when he shot his friend in the face.  But in 2009, he wasn’t alone.  Somehow over the last 8 years between shooting fiends in the face, dodging congressional hearings and declaring himself a 4th branch of the government immune from any form of oversight, Cheney was training up his apprentice, Liz Cheney.  I don’t know if it was because her last name was Cheney or if people subscribe to the “don’t hit a girl” mentality in political debates, but Liz was allowed to say things her father would only dream about.  All that capped off when she made either a really bad joke or a dire prediction when she said “Palin/Cheney  2012″.  My God.  Help us.  Where’s luke Skywalker when you need him?

Runner Up -Meghan McCain
Listen, stick to showing your cleavage in TwitPics and leave the political analysis to the professionals.  Thanks.

Coon of the Year
Michael Steele
Whatever glimmer of hope any of us had about Michael Steele being a breath of fresh air as the RNC’s first African American chairman was quickly stomped out like a lost inner city youth being initiated into a gang.  Now if a Steele supporters reads this they’d probably automatically assume that I’m only calling Steele a coon because he’s a black republican.  This is false.  Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powel are republicans and while I don’t agree with them on some policy issues, I still have a degree of respect for them.  Steele gets this award for being willing participant in being used like puppet for the republican spin machine in a way that would make Uncle Ruckus shake his head in shame.  Fresh off of his election as chairman, Steele erased any hope that he would take the RNC into a new direction by back pedaling and graveling at the feet of Rush Limbaugh.  Seriously, it was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen a grown man do.  Steele originally seemed to have balls by saying that Limbaugh was “just an entertainer” but one threat from Limbaugh and Steele was calling Rush ready to lick his boot like a good house negro. And that was just the beginning.  When Steele tried to put out a “Senior’s Bill of Rights” for Health Care Reform, members of his party in essence told him to “Sit back, shut the fuck up and sign the checks.”  And then I could go on and on about his annoying Hip Hop references and attempts at being cool and the painfully obvious jealousy he has towards Barack Obama.

Quote of the year
Chez Pazienza on Maria Bartiromo

“CNBC’s Maria Bartiromo needs to stick do doing what she does best: standing around on the floor of the Stock Exchange looking like a cross between Sophia Loren and that thing that co-piloted the Millennium Falcon with Lando Calrissian in Return of the Jedi.” —Chez Pazienza

Some background.  Maria Bartiromo is an “analyst” for the Jim Cramer network i.e. CNBC.  She’s horrible.  As part of his systematic destruction of CNBC, Jon Stewart showed clips of her asking the usual suck up, non-hard hitting questions to financial sector CEO’s as they raped the American people.  To make matters worse MSNBC, being enthralled with her lack of depth and insight on financial issues would have her come onto Morning Joe to bless us with idiocy asinine rationality that would dwarf Joe’s.  Take for instance her asking Rep. Weiner, who is in his 40’s, if Medicare was so good why he wasn’t on it.  I don’t ask that you be an expert on every field to give your opinion, but if you’re too brain dead to know that Medicare starts at 65 then you should really keep those opinions to yourself.  But the real tipping point was when she battled Matt Taibbi on Morning Joe.  Matt was explaining how the health care system is broken.  Maria however argued that since America has the best medicine and doctors, obviously its not broken.  See, people with money like Maria are right…they have access to whatever they want.  But this idiot couldn’t see past her own bank account.  Seriously, watching her making her argument is like pouring acid directly on your brain stem. “I have a problem with 47 million number.  Because some of them are illegals”.  Right and we just let them die in the street Maria.  Those people don’t go to the ER and put a strain on our Health Care system.  Which leads me to the quote from Chez Pazienza.  Some people should just be creatures we find intriguing to look at and but not listen to.

Joe Jackson Child Exploiter of the Year

Jon & Kate Plus 8 minus Kate Plus 8 more – OctoMom versus Jon & Kate Plus 8

When we first were introduced to Nadya Suleman it seemed like one of those typical heart warming “Woman gives birth to a litter of human babies” stories we get every year.  What we got instead was the poster child for matriarchal dysfunction.  Looking like a cross between Angelina Jolie and the creature from Species, Suleman wasted no time attempting to cash in on her children.  Not to be out done, Jon & Kate Gosslin decided to put the collapse of their marriage not only in front of their 8 kids…but also millions of TV viewers.  Jon Gosslin finally realized that he was a man and that being emasculated on cable TV for millions can see might not be making him look good.  Oh and the whole “young kids on a reality TV show” thing probably isn’t good for their young psyche either.  But it gets better.  Like combining Mentos in a 2 liter bottle of Coke, these two colossal parental nightmares might be combining.  Octomom has said that she thinks Jon is cute and would love to do a show with him…even date him.  Jesus I think this chick really is the living breathing version of that alien from Species.  The combination of these two hyper-reproductive systems would be enough to triple the world’s population in 9 months.

Jackass of the Year
Kanye West
When the President of the United states calls you a jackass, I can’t argue with that. You can blame his mother dying for Kanye’s jackassery, but truth be told…Kanye was a jackass long before that. Since getting his ROC chain his ego has steadily inflated so much that Richard Heene might be using it for his next balloon hoax.  Have you seen the way he dresses?  Him and his gay looking posse dress so ludicrously that even South Park had to take a shot at him.  Even his dating choices make him look like a jackass.  He’s dating some chick that doesn’t even look real.  Amber Rose has the facial expressions of a mannequin with a Sinead O’Connor haircut.  But nothing tops what he did at the MTV Music Video awards.  First off, who shows up to the red carpet with a bottle of Henny wearing what looked like a patent leather button up black shirt with a chick wearing what could only be described as an anaconda skin body suit?  He then dug common sense out of its grave and teabagged it on live TV when he went up on stage and interrupted a 20 year old’s acceptance speech just to say Beyonce had the best video of all time?  I mean…come on, ‘Single Ladies’ isn’t even  Beyonce’s best video of all time.  ‘Single Ladies’ actually might be one of her worse videos.  Four fully clothed  chicks just shaking their asses, while entertaining, is NOT the best video of all time. Seriously, fuck this dude.  There’s a thin line between swagger and being an asshat.  And right now Kanye is walking around with the king jackass crown on.

Runner Up – Chris Brown
Beating your girlfriend’s ass senseless in a car is incredibly stupid and disgusting.  Doing that to a famous superstar should be career ending………unless your girlfriend is Rihanna and all your female fans secretly hate her for no reason and therefore will support you no matter how stupid you are.  Chris Brown dodged a bullet and then proceeded to, on several occasions, hop back into the middle of the fire fight with a huge bulls eye on his chest screaming “Shoot me!!!”  Someone seriously needs to sit this dude down and explain how lucky he is that he’s not in jail.

Most Disturbing Image of 2009
Stephon Marbury’s 24 hour Webcam Disaster
Was there any more disturbing thing we saw this year than Stephon Marbury’s 24 hour webcast?  I honestly don’t think so.  First there was the video of him crying to ‘Lean On Me’, shirtless, while one of his boys rubs his back and tries to comfort him.  Then there was the video of him eating Vaseline to help his sore throat.  And then there was the one of him dancing in front of the mirror, with facial cream on…to Michael Jackson.  Disturbed doesn’t even begin to explain this shit.  Now if watching the Knicks when they had Marbury was only this entertaining…

Holy Fuck Award of the Year
Craig Clasen
What did you do this year?  Get a new job?  New significant other?  Get a raise?  Maybe start your own business?  I’ll tell you one thing you didn’t do.  You didn’t kill a 12 foot tiger shark with your bare hands and finish it off by DROWNING IT.  Seriously, Clasen spent 2 hours locked in underwater combat with a creature God created for the sole purpose of killing things.  There’s not enough brass in the world that could reproduce the pair that Clasen has in his pants.  Greatest part of this whole EPIC encounter was that the friend Clasen was “saving” didn’t swim to safety…no, he stayed behind and took pictures.  PICTURES.  Seriously, WTF have you done with your life?

The “Slay’em on their own track” award
Eminem
How many times does Marshall Mathers need to do this before we give him a lifetime achievement award?  No really?  First Jay-Z, then Drake, Weezy & Kanye and then he ended the year by slaying Weezy again on his own track.  At what point do we look past his skin color and just say, this boy is skilled?  And I’m not dissing the other rappers.  Putting Eminem on the track automatically makes the other rappers step their game up.  Think Biggie when he did his track with Bone.  But still, Em does his best work when he’s on someone else’s tracks.  Its as if he has no passion for it on his own albums.  He’s like a basketball team that only plays good when they play a championship caliber team.

“Where the fuck are they now” Award
Bobby Jindal
Think back to November 4th 2008.  Actually, go back late August/early September at the party Conventions.  Republicans tried to pull the “Mr. Me too” and say that they were the party of minorities. McCain tried a cheap attempt at getting Clinton voters by picking Sarah Palin, the 5 black Republicans that bothered to go to Minneapolis in September were always in front of the camera and after the election, the RNC even voted for Michael Steele as the first African American to chair the Republican party.   But the “up and coming star” of the Republican party, the man who would stand up against the “radical” socialist black man, was none other than Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal.  He was young, a minority, a governor…hey maybe he has a chance right?  Umm…no.  After Obama’s first speech to a joint session of Congress, Governor Jindal gave the worse rebuttal speech I’ve ever seen.  He looked like the Indian version of Mr. Rogers. I half expected him to put on his socks and asked us if we wanted to be his neighbor. Rachael Maddow summed up the response to Jindal’s speech about as well as anyone could:

We really haven’t heard from the good Governor since then.  Jindal represents a bigger issue with the GOP.  The nationally recognized minorities in the GOP just aren’t ready for prime time which didn’t help when they are thrust into the spotlight because the GOP wants to look diverse to compete with democrats and President Barack Obama.

Lie of the Year
Obama is using Cars.Gov to Spy on Your Computers
I’m going against the grain here and I’m not giving “Death Panels” the award here.  See, to me the ‘Death Panel’ hysteria wasn’t a lie.  It was a dog whistle for racist.  It was the secret handshake of the Ignoramus Fraternity.  Glenn Beck’s accusation that the Obama Administration was using the Cars.gov website and the “Cash for Clunkers” program to secretly take over citizen’s computers however, was just a plain flat out lie.  Not that we’d expect anything less from Glenn Beck, this whole lie was started by Glenn Beck and his watchers because they are about as technologically savvy as a 90 year old grandmother.  Here’s the lie:

When you log onto the cash for clunkers site, you are presented with a prompt telling you that your computer is now property of the federal government and that they can now download, upload and monitor everything on your computer.

Here’s the reality:

First off, the warning only came up for on the DEALER side of the site, not for regular people buying cars.  As a matter of fact, there was no login on the consumer side of the site (Lie #1).  Secondly, because dealers were sending sensitive information to government computers, a secure VPN connection was made.  The warning about “Your computer is no property of the federal government” is actually a standard warning that most contractors see whenever they connect to a government network (Lie #2).  And lastly, what Beck never bothered to tell any of his viewers was that at the time one of the advertisers for his show was a computer security company that sold “firewall and spyware protection.”  He even had them come on the show to talk about the “dangers” of what the government was doing.  Now most people would call that a “conflict of interest.”  To Glenn Beck…he calls that “Tuesday.”

Idiot of the year
Women sleeping with Lil Wayne with no condom
I don’t know but I’m pretty sure there are laws in this country against bestiality and I’m also fairly certain that ‘Gremlins’ are covered under that.  I’m still trying to figure out how all these women ended up getting pregnant by Lil Wayne around the same time.  The man looks like a walking STD factory and yet 3 women decided they were not only going to have sex with him, but forgot all about birth control while doing it. That’s the definition of stupidity.  I know they say under the influence of drugs and alcohol, people tend to do things they wouldn’t normally do.  But I still would think that self preservation would make these women think to at least force the gremlin to wear a condom.  Seriously, let’s all pray that Octomom never comes in contact with Lil Wayne’s sperm or the number of offspring of those two could multiply like mogwai in a tsunami.

Quitter of the Year
Sarah Palin
When the going gets tough, the inexperienced and unqualified get going.  That’s Sarah Palin in a nutshell for you.  Just when people were trying to figure out what Palin’s next move would be, if she would run for a second term as Alaskan Governor (i.e. Protector of U.S. Airspace from Russia) or jump into the U.S. Senate, Palin proved to everyone why she’s the “maverick” by deciding to call it quits as Governor before completing a full term.  Her reasoning?  For the benefit of the Great State of Alaska duh.  In a rambling speech that would make Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Palin proud, Governor Palin explained that she was becoming a distraction for all the great things she was trying to do for Alaska and therefore she had to step down.  And you know something?  She was right.  With her intellectually dishonest attempt at legitimizing the “Death Panel” rumors and then her silly attempts a jumping into the Climate Change debate, coupled with the book of lies she had someone ghostwrite for her….we’ve all forgotten about what’s actually going on in Alaska.  So, Sarah Palin quitting actually might have been the best thing for Alaska after all.  Go figure.

Overrated Movie of the Year
Wolverine Origins
Fuck you 20th century Fox, fuck you.  Eye raping me for almost 2 hours in the theater is wrong.  It’s as if they were getting back at Marvel for forming their own studio and making actually good movies.  That’s the only conclusion one can come to after fuckery of Spiderman 3 in 2007 and then this fuckery.  Some will say I’m being too hard on this movie but fuck that. You don’t take one of comic’s most popular characters and “put your own spin” on it.  Joel Schumacher did that with Batman and to this day there’s a “punch in back of neck” order out on that fool.  The biggest poke in the eye though was when they mutilated the character of Deadpool right before our eyes.  I mean, it just made no sense.  How do cast the wise cracking Ryan Reynolds to play the part of a wise cracking, psychopathic hit man and but then in the movie SEW HIS MOUTH SHUT???  Incredibly idiotic. And there were plenty of other things wrong with this movie.  Fuck you 20th Century Fox.  Fuck you.

Runner Up – Funny People
If I see Judd Aptow, I’m punching him in the throat.  This movie wasn’t funny…at all.  It was also too long and didn’t make a lick of sense.  But it doesn’t take the top spot cause I should have known better.  Adam Sandler isn’t funny.  He’s not a deep actor and his entire career could but summed up as a series of knock knock jokes and getting kicked in the groin.  So really, it’s my fault for paying money to see it.

Rookie of the Year
Tiger Woods
Seriously it wasn’t the cheating that surprised me, it was the carelessness and reckless nature.  No condom, didn’t pay them off, leaving bitch ass voice messages?  I mean come on what the hell is this all about.  What’s really disappointing though is that Tiger Wood’s NIKE mentor is Michael Jordan.  Jordan wouldn’t let something like this keep him down.  Jordan’s kinda like lightening, he doesn’t bang the same white chick twice. Tiger on the other hand seemed to fall in love with these hoes.  Obvious rookie mistake.

If Dick Cheney and Sarah Palin were to really run on the Republican ticket in 2012, we should all curse the Mayan’s and their cursed predictions about the end of the world and then immediately go find John Cusack. First off, to the beginning of the clip. I’m tired of people talking about how President Obama is “bowing” and showing “submission” to these other world leaders. Have we forgotten that the President is like 6′3 and towers over these guys. It’s a natural reaction of a taller person to bend over when shaking the hand of someone that much shorter than you. I mean it looks like the President is a full foot taller than the Emperor of Japan AND the Emperor looks like he might be 101 years old. Come on people.

But back to the loony talk of Palin and Cheney being on the same ticket. Seriously, I don’t think I could live with the amount of chest thumping, “We can do it cause we’re America…fuck everyone else” attitude that would go on with that shit. First there’s Dick Cheney, a man who should be in an NRA video about how NOT to handle a gun. A man who defends his position even when he’s wrong. Who thinks torturing someone is the best way to obtain information from them. A man who says that he kept America safe….although the numbers show that terrorist attacks outside the U.S. increased. Then we have Sarah Palin, who quite frankly is a moron. Since quitting (did we all forget that?) on the people in Alaska as Governor, she’s been giving closed-to-the-media speeches where she’s apparently erased the words “fact checking ” from her vocabulary. Seriously, “Sarah Palin” and “Facts” go together like “Brandy” and “Driver safety” or “Usher” and “Long lasting, fruitful and rewarding relationship”. She tried to suggest that Democrats tried to remove “In God We Trust” off the dollar coin when in fact, it was Bush and a Republican congress that tried that. She’s written a book that is full of lies, easily contradicted by the saved campaign emails that have been forwarded to media outlets. And least we forget, this is a woman who thought she could get foreign policy experience through osmosis because of her proximity to Russia and a body of water. And these two might be a republican ticket? If that were to happen, and its a possibility because Americans are pretty fucking stupid, I can only hope that at that time, Jesus says “Okay, time to step in…these people have obviously completely lost their way.  To be honest though, Cheney/Palin 2012 bumper stickers should replace coal as what you give bad kids for Christmas.  Has way more impact and should be enough to scare even the baddest kid straight.

Back from my mini-vacation, I’m greeted by none other than former Vice President Dick Cheney himself and his peons making their rounds on Sunday morning news programs.  Honestly, I’m getting real sick and tired of this man.  I’m even sicker that the media isn’t putting him to task for the blatant falsehoods and asinine statements he’s making.  In a soft balled interview with Fox New’s Chris Wallace (God forbid Cheney take his bullshit to a network that might actually ask him some tough questions), Cheney said that the launch of the investigation “offends the hell” out of him.  Well, the fact that we have a former Vice President that openly and willingly admits to authorizing violations of the Geneva  Conventions offends the hell out of me.  The “what we did kept the country safe” excuse is so ludicrous it burns me up that the media is allowing this to continue.  Even the most violent and deranged sociopaths in this country are protected by Miranda Rights, given trials, allowed adequate legal representation and despite how disgusting and repulsive their actions, they are treated as human beings.  Yet here’s Cheney, former Bush Administration officials and some in the media that are acting as if we HAD to use these techniques in order to protect this country.  And its blatantly false.  We’ve seen the reports that not only was Khalid Sheikh Mohammed waterboarded 183 times but he was done so AFTER we already used less harsh techniques on him to gain all the useful intelligence we got from him.  These are the facts.  Facts that Cheney seems to forget.

What’s really sad is when even people that don’t agree with these techniques being used, still say the Obama Administration “shouldn’t pursue an investigation”.  Take Senator John McCain.  McCain himself was a victim of torture back in Vietnam and he states that these techniques were clear violation of the law.  Yet he still says we shouldn’t investigate these criminals.  It’s absolutely madness.

After watching Congress act like a bunch of morons, I began to wonder just why they can get anything done.  Hell, why can’t politicians in general get shit done?  Then it hit me…our government is full of douchebags.  The government is full of all kinds of douchebags.  There’s the “Zero Morality” Douchebag, the “Race Card” douchebag, “Greedy” douchebags and even a few “Swagger” douches.  I put together a list, nowhere close to being a complete list, of some of the douchebags I can think of in our government of the years.

#10 President Richard Nixon
Who He Is
You can’t have a list of political douchebags and not have Richard Nixon on it.  It’s like having a patriotic cookout and not having apple pie.  Or a vegetarian Thanksgiving.  Nixon was the 37^th President of the United States and served from 1969 to 1974.  He resigned from the presidency in the face of impeachement on August 9^th, 1974.
What Makes Him a Douchebag
To put it bluntly, if President Nixon had a moral compass, it was as whacked out as positituate on a drug induced gang bang.  Seriously, Nixon is used as a case study by Satan when he’s training new hellspawns.  I don’t think its necessary to get into the nitty gritty details of Watergate, but you gotta love Nixon’s “Executive Privilege”/ “It’s not illegal if the President does it” attitude.  If only Bill Clinton used that line to explain why he had his intern polishing his knob.  Recently more tapes from Nixon have been released with my favorite being him explain when an abortion might be appropriate:

“There are times when an abortion is necessary. I know that. When you have a black and a white,” he told an aide, before adding, “Or a rape.”

Oh Nixon. Such a cuddle bear that one is.

#9 Governor Joseph Graham “Gray” Davis
Who He Is
37th Governor of California who served between 1999 – 2003.  He was the second governor to ever be recalled in American history.
What Makes Him a Douchebag
Before Davis, no Governor had been recalled since 1921.  So, in order to be recalled, you have to be extra douchey.  There are 2 things Davis did, or failed to do, while Governor.

1.  He made deals on very bad terms with corporate douchebag energy companies like Enron (Brilliant) to try to end California’s electricity crisis.  He might have seen that Enron was dicking him over if not for the fact that the dollar signs he was seeing in the form of campaign contribution from energy companies was blinding his view.

2.  He couldn’t recognize what most people with brains would have.  That the Dotcom bubble was going to burst and therefore when your States revenue is dependent on things like “Pets.com”, you’re in for a budget crisis…fast. Instead of saving some money for a rainy day, instead he decided to just “make it rain on dem hoes” and spend as much as he could, as fast as he could. And of course by spend, I mean spend things on improving jails and correctional facilities…instead of schools.

Seriously, not only did he get recalled, but Californian’s thought him so bad they elected Conan the Barbarian.  It takes real skill at being a douchebag to convince a state as libel as California to not only elect a Republican, but one with an accent thicker than Hitler and whose brain has shrunken more than his balls because of his obvious steroid use.

#8 Cynthia Mckinney
Who She Is
Former House of Representatives member from Georgia and also 2008 Green Party Presidential Nominee.
What Makes Her a Douchebag
I might piss off some of my people and I might have my black card suspended for a week for saying this but Cynthia Mckinney is bat shit insane.  Conservatives have Michele Bachmann and Liberals have McKinney.  I don’t think it really hit me that the Congresswoman was nuttier than squirrel shit until that fateful day in March back in 2006.  That’s the day she went apeshit on a Capitol Hill police officer because he had the audacity to not recognize her as one of the 435 members of Congress and wanted to verify her identity (How dare he ask someone who avoided the metal detector to prove their identity).  Her overreaction to this incident is what lands her on this list. As a black congresswoman, you owe it to your constituents to point out real cases of racism, not hurl the race card like X-men’s Gambit.  She actually tried to say the officer was racist because he asked to see her ID.  There are FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY FIVE members of Congress. People go in and out of the buildings all the time.  How the fuck was he suppose to recognize her?  Seriously, it wasn’t the lack of a lapel pin or her race that confused the officer…it was the fact that McKinney wasn’t wearing her tin foil hat as usual.  She blamed her lost in 2006 on the media and voting machines (Of course the fact that she’s bat shit insane had nothing to do with it) and in 2008 became the “candidate” for the Green Party.  Listen, I have no problem with third parties, but I want legitimate third parties.  Not the crazies that think the solution to everything is as cut and dry as “stopping all War.”  While that makes a nice soundbite, the truth is….YOU CAN’T DO THAT SHIT.  Her latest ventures have her claiming she was illegally “kidnapped” by the Israeli government.  Listen, I believe that the Israeli government is run by douchebags.  But saying she was “kidnapped” is like the guy posting up on your porch without your permission was “kidnapped” by the police when they dragged him off in handcuffs.  You were running a blockade…they towed your ass back to shore and deported you.  End of story.

#7 Rep. Michele Bachmann
Who She Is
The first Republican woman to represent Minnesota in Congress. She’s served in the House since 2006 and as far as I can tell she’s been crazy for all of the years (and more). Apparently she also channels former U.S. Senator Joseph McCarthy….
What Makes Her a Douchebag
It honestly pains me to put Rep. Bachmann this low in the rankings. I think the best way to explain why she’s a douchebag is to just let her speak for herself:

2:00 minutes in is the best part of this video

Recently she introduced a Bill to the House that is sure to feed the flames of fear by inferring that the 2010 Census is some kind of subliminal attempt at the government to learn all about your personal life.  Never mind the fact that she supported George W. Bush’s policies with the Patriot Act and warrantless domestic wiretapping.  Listening in on citizen’s domestic phone calls without any oversight, patriotic….asking personal, yet important questions on the Census in order to ensure your areas get the government services you need…Anti-American.  Seriously, every time this woman speaks a logical part of my brain rots away.

#6 Senator Orin Hatch
Who He is
Republican Senator from Utah who has been serving since 1977 (we really need to change the term limits in Congress).  The descendant of polygamists (seriously, what white person in Utah ISN’T a descendant of polygamists?), he once “defended polygamy in a taped interview, saying that the Constitution was ambiguous on the issue.”  Funny, the Constitution is ambiguous on the issue of having multiple wives…but not on gays getting married….hmmmm.
What Makes Him a Douchebag
Aside from the defense of a practice of marrying multiple young, underage, “Hi I’m Chris Hansen with Dateline NBC” females, Hatch is also a douchebag for his defense of the RIAA in their fight against “illegal downloads.”  Here’s some wonderful quotes from the good Senator from a few years ago when he was asking of ways we could stop illegal downloads.  He was talking to company executives about ways to REMOTELY access people’s computers and delete files off of their PERSONAL property:

• If we can find some way to do this without destroying their machines, we’d be interested in hearing about that.
• If that’s the only way, then I’m all for destroying their machines. If you have a few hundred thousand of those, I think people would realize (the seriousness of their actions).
• There’s no excuse for anyone violating copyright laws.

Great, not only is he advocating for big brother to be able to remotely destroy your computer but he’s advocating it for doing something that is COMPLETELY LEGAL.  Contrary to what the RIAA tells you, there is no such thing as “illegal downloading.”  You can download to your heart’s content…what you can’t do is share or upload that material.  Recent court cases seem to overturn that truth but when Senator Hatch made these comments, that wasn’t the case.  Even then, what Hatch and the courts seem to miss is that the RIAA is still getting money off of “illegal downloads.”  That case of blank CDs and DVDs you bought?  The RIAA is getting a piece of that.  And…I wouldn’t be surprised if this douchebag was also getting a piece as well.

#5 Senator Rick Santorum
Who He is
Former United States Senator from the Commonwealth of Pennsylvannia.  He served from 1995 to 2007 before the people of Pennsylvannia realized they had elected a major douchebag and eventually handed him the worse defeat ever by an incumbent Pennsylvannian Senator.
What Makes Him a Douchebag
I truly believe that Rick Santorum is to gay people what David Duke was to black people.  This man has said things that to me would not only disqualify him from running for public office but qualify him for getting a free stay at the nuthouse.  Santorum believes that every moral problem in the world can be traced back to gay butt sex.  Apparently homosexuality is a gateway to moral anarchy, like marijuana is the gateway drug to cocaine.   Here’s one of his more famous quotes:

“If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual (gay) sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything.”

I wouldn’t expect a douchebag like Santorum to realize just how dangerous a statement that is.  Here’s another, where Santorum talks about who’s to really blame for the sex abuse cases that were plaguing the Catholic Church:

Priests, like all of us, are affected by culture. When the culture is sick, every element in it becomes infected. While it is no excuse for this scandal, it is no surprise that Boston, a seat of academic, political and cultural liberalism in America, lies at the center of the storm.

Really?  The liberals made me do it?  He can’t be serious.  Here’s one on the evils of diversity.

“The elementary error of relativism becomes clear when we look at multiculturalism. Sometime in the 1980s, universities began to champion the importance of ‘diversity’ as a central educational value.”

And there’s plenty more Rick Santorum quotes out there.  But what solidifies him in the #5 spot is the fact that sane people against this moron created a new word “Santorum” and gave it the definition of “that frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.”  That’s how you know you’re a douchebag.  People consider you the byproduct of anal sex.

#4 John Edwards
Who He is
Former Senator from South Carolina…former Democratic Vice Presidential Nominee…former Democratic Presidential Candidate (twice)…former model for Barbie Ken dolls…
What Makes Him a Douchebag
I really wanted to put Mark Sanford on this list but skipping out on your kids during Fathers Day weekend to get some “good good” from your Argentinian mistress doesn’t even come close to planning on starting a life with your mistress after your wife’s cancer finally kills her…WHILE SHE’S STILL ALIVE.  As if sleeping around on your cancer stricken wife wasn’t douchey enough, Edwards was doing this….WHILE HE WAS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.  Can you imagine what would have happened if God forbid Edwards had won the nomination and his affair was exposed before the election?  We could be suffering through a John McCain/ Sarah Palin administration just because this ass clown couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.    But John Edwards was a douchebag long before his affair was uncovered.  Remember, this was the guy claiming he was fighting for the lower class Americans…yet he was building a $6 million, 28,200 square foot home and getting $400 haircuts.  It takes a real douchebag to do all that…and then go on an anti-poverty tour.

#3 Donald Rumsfeld
Who He is
Former Defense Secretary under George W. Bush, also moonlighted as a bookie for the Devil
What Makes Him a Douchebag
If Dick Cheney is the evil emperor sith lord then Donald Rumsfeld is his evil apprentice, like Darth Maul.  Because he resigned, I think people forget just how much of a douchebag Rumsfeld was.  There were many of times when Rumsfeld used the R. Kelly defense of his actions; Upon seeing video or hearing quotes of himself saying one thing, Rumsfeld would unbelievably deny he said those things and still claim he said the opposite.  Think I’m exaggerating?  Here’s Thomas Friedman calling Rumsfeld out

Faced with his own words this man doesn’t even blink or skip a beat.  As a matter of fact, I think I even detected a smirk on the face of Rumsfeld that can be translated as something like “Do you think I really give a flying shit?” in douchebag. But don’t think Rumsfeld’s douchebaggery started with George W. Bush.  Oh no.  As this video shows, Rumsfeld was President Reagan’s Special Envoy to the Middle East and he’s shaking hands with Saddam Hussein and pledging our support for him in his war with Iran.

There’s no audio to that video but I like to think it something along the lines of Rumsfeld saying “So big Red from down under sent me here to collect on that soul you promised him….”

#2 John F Kennedy
Who He is
President Clinton had Monica Lewinsky, President Kennedy had Marilyn Monroe.  You do the math.
What Makes Him a Douchebag
Yeah yeah yeah…I know…he’s America’s favorite President.  Every black person who grow up in the 60’s had 3 pictures:  A picture of MLK, a picture of Malcolm….and a picture of JFK.  But let’s get something straight, he fucked Marilyn Monroe.  Listen, no woman gets sewn into a damn dress just to sing happy birthday if she’s not getting something out of it.  And by “something” I mean Presidential man-pole.  This mofo had the Rat Pack campaign for him.  You want me to believe he was hanging out with these dudes and not getting laid?  Also, outside of his wife…do you want to know who really thought he was a douchebag?  Fidel Castro.  Castro is a bit of a douchebag himself so, it takes one to know one.  Seriously, under Kennedy the CIA tried to kill Castro at least 42 times…or at least they drew up that many plans.  For God sakes they tried to kill Castro with a milkshake.  A gotdamn milkshake.  I like milkshakes and for anyone to plan try to kill another man with a milkshake is not only uncivilized but it’s the definition of douchebaggery, no matter how much of a douchebag beard Castro has.

#1 Dick Cheney
Who He is
Former Vice President under George W. Bush and full time real life super villain. He spends his days now that he’s out of office circling the globe from orbit in his Halliburton built Death Star.
What Makes Him a Douchebag
Was there every any doubt that Darth Cheney would top the list?  While other politicians follow some twisted logic path to explain their douchebaggery, Dick Cheney simply uses his Dark Side powers to warp the time space continuum and create his own alternate realities.  Case in point; When fighting against an order to give classified information to the office that has oversight, instead of claiming “Executive Privilege” as Nixon would do or just sit there with a dumbfounded blank “I didn’t do it” stare like Rumsfeld, Cheney just unbelievably claimed that the Office of the Vice President wasn’t a part of the Executive Branch.  That goes against everything every child learns in ELEMENTARY school.  This fool really tried to say he was some 4th branch of government.  Its as if Cheney got in a time machine, went back to the day the Founding Fathers were crafting the Constitution, gave them all the finger then took a huge shit right on the document in which our country runs on.  Cheney is so much of a douchebag, he shot his friend in the face….and his friend is the one that apologized to him for having his face in the way of Cheney’s bullets. Want more?

• Somehow Cheney had the official residence of the Vice President hidden in Google. Actually, to be fair, its hidden in Yahoo and Microsoft Live. Even the White House isn’t hidden. That only adds to suspicions that Cheney had a bunker built there. Which I believe is false. It’s obviously where he’s building his clone army.
• His Chief of Staff WENT TO JAIL for his involvement in the CIA Leak probe of Valerie Plame.  Have you seen Scooter Libby?  Does he look like someone that breaks the law and doesn’t tell Dick Cheney?  No, I didn’t think so either
• He was CEO of Halliburton, an oilfield service corporation.  Guess who got all the contracts to work in Iraq?
• Cheney’s daughter is gay. Did that stop him from working for a guy who made it his mission to try to put into the Constitution a ban on Gay marriage? Of course not. Cheney just sat back and had that evil smirk on his face as his boss and supporters called gay people, like Cheney’s own daughter, sinners and sexual deviants.
• He defends torture to this day.  That’s not really shocking.  I mean, he is a Sith Lord…I’d expect nothing less

*Honorable Mention*

Rahm Emanuel
What Makes Him a Douchebag
You know you’re a douchebag when the rumors alone of you being the President’s pick for chief of staff are enough to send the opposition into hissy fits about you being a “partisan asshole”.  Rahm is the White House version of the “soup Nazi.”  Rahm takes civilized discourse and disagreement and wipes his ass with it.  Seriously, I sometimes imagine that instead of sleeping in his own bed, they’ve transformed the pool area under the white house press briefing room into a mini crypt where Rahm hibernates between extended sessions of cussing out members of congress.  And have you seen the way he looks?  He ahs this cold, dead stare he gives people.  And then there’s that grin he has on his face when he’s thinking about how your reaction will be if he was to send you a dead fish wrapped in a newspaper.  I think when the Devil wakes upin a cold sweat its because he had a nightmare of Rahm Emanuel laughing.

John Campbell & Bill Posey
What Makes Them a Douchebags
These are the 2 co-sponsors on Bill H.R. 1503 which is basically a bill requiring all future Presidents to present their birth certificate to prove they are a natural born citizen.  While it might seem like that’s innocent, what this really is is an attempt by these two douchebags to appease the radical wing of their party that really believes President Obama wasn’t born in Hawaii.  Despite seeing copies of his birth certificate AND news clippings announcing his birth in the local paper (Guess even then they knew he would be president and they started a conspiracy to conceal that).  What really pisses me off about these 2 douchebags is that while they try to hide behind the Constitution, when you press them on whether the President is a natural born citizen…..THEY HESITATE.  WTF?

Pat Buchanan
What Makes Him a Douchebag
It seems kind of odd to have a Top Ten List of Political Douchebags and not have Pat Buchanan on it, particularly in light of his recent asinine and factually devoid comments on Judge Sotomayor and Affirmative Action.  But it just didn’t seem fair to put these other douchebags, with the exception of Darth Cheney in the same category as Buchanan.  Buchanan is a douchebag legend.  It’s like comparing A Rod to Hank Aaron.  Darth Cheney wear’s Pat Buchanan underwear.  Buchanan is so much of a douchebag you have to actually have some small sense of admiration that a man so clearly out of touch, just doesn’t give a fuck.  It’s as if Buchanan was frozen in 1825 and then reanimated in the 60’s.  I actually believe that Buchanan is the father of the modern day douchebag and that once he dies, all the other douchebags on this list and in the world will cease to be douchebags.  Kinda like when you kill the head vampire, all his minions die off or become human again.  Same thing with Pat.

Kriss and Dylan are in the studio. Kriss thanks Dylan and the rest of his friends for being such good drinking team players. He then goes on a rant about how horse racing (and NASCAR) aren’t sports. Then there’s politics and Dick Cheney is back in the news. Also, Kriss is confused with how the media blows the Notre Dame “protests” out of proportion. And what’s up with ASU not giving the First Black President an honorary degree. WTF did he have to do? Free the slaves? To end the show, Kriss and Dylan listen to perhaps the worse freestyle rap EVER (yes…worse than the Soulja Boy one).

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