I haven’t had a good driving rant in a while so I figured there’s no better time than the present considering that during the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas, roads in the DMV (DC/Maryland/Virginia) area transform from major metropolitan transportation conduits to some paved asphalt equivalent to the Four Horse Men of the Apocalypse.  I’ve talked about this before, specifically I-495 (The Capital Beltway) being equivalent to the 5^th circle of Hell.  You’ll remember from that post (linked here) that on the list of Top 24 Worse Highway Bottlenecks the Captial Beltway appeared not once but twice.  Read that post over again to get more explanation why the Capital Beltway should be higher on that list (Also good reading for those that will be coming in town for the inauguration).

Anyway, I want to go into some tips for driving in the DMV.  I know the title of this post says specifically the Capital Beltway, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it really needs to be for all the major roadways.  The DMV is one of those places where all the major highways are no more than 25 miles apart from each other.  That means if you need to go from Northern Virginia to Baltimore, you could pass by or travel on just about every major Highway in the area.  So what I’ve done is listed each of the major Highways and some comments one how to approach them.  I’ve used characters or themes from the bible because, well…parents sometimes use the Bible to scare their kids straight and if you are planning on traveling on one of these roads during rush hour on Christmas Eve…we need to scare you back to reality.

The Baltimore Washington Parkway (295) – The Forbidden fruit.
The BW Parkway is equivalent to the forbidden fruit in the story of Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden.  No matter what anyone else tells you or what your GPS/Google Maps directions say or what the traffic report is, between 3:30 pm and 7 pm on a weekday DO NOT drive on 295.  You’ll be tempted to because it is the shorter distance to get to Baltimore.  But what no one tells you is, everyone else from Maryland already knows its going to be backed up so it doesn’t even show up on the traffic report.  It’s implied.  To be honest, I have a love-hate relationship with the Parkway.  I return to it like a beaten housewife returns to her abusive husband, knowing that it will once again let me down.  Two times this year I’ve sat in traffic for 20 – 30 minutes because of an accident that has blocked both lanes.  I know that doesn’t sound bad, but when it’s 1 AM and you’re trying to get home before that last vodka tonic kicks in, that can be a pain in the ass.   I’ve also had to deal with twice having the on ramps blocked because of an accident so bad they weren’t letting more cars onto it.  The temptation though is that on a good day I can get from Greenbelt to Downtown Baltimore in 15 minutes.  Because you generally can’t see how bad the Parkway is before you get onto it, its really a gamble.  It’s like fucking a dirty Mexican hooker…raw.
Tip:

The BW Parkway is only drivable (Drivable meaning traffic actually moves) during the following times (I really only drive North so I’m only giving that direction)

6 am – 11 am going North Monday through Friday

6 am – 10:30 am going North Saturday and Sunday

Drive after 12pm on any day of the week at your own risk.  Flip a coin…you have a 50-50 chance.

George Washington Parkway (395) – Judas
The GW Parkway acts like it’s your friend, giving you above speed limit driving during early rush hour traffic before dumping you off on 295 or 66  or some other incredibly backed up road that makes you want to commit seppuku in order to avoid the agony (I actually keep a samurai sword in my trunk for this purpose).  Now I’ve never driven on 395 any later than 4 pm and that’s because doing so would mean driving through DC during the height of rush hour, in which case I would be better off just parking my car and walking home.
Tip:

Only drive on 395 if it is before 3:30 pm and knowing that once you get off of it you are fucked.

Baltimore Beltway I-695 – Satan Mini-Me
If the Capital Beltway is Satan then the Baltimore Beltway is the result of Satan pulling a Dr. Evil and creating a smaller, albeit not as evil, clone of himself.  I know people in Baltimore will probably disagree with me but the truth is, 695 isn’t that bad…as long as you know your way around the side streets.  I remember cussing and fussing my way around 695 during my years in college much the same way I do now around its much more evil twin 495.  However, I alieviated a lot of that stress by utilizing side streets and ducking on and off of 695 repeatedly until I got to my destination.
Tip:

Learn the alternative routes.  There are multiple ways to get somewhere off the Baltimore Beltway, some just as bad and others are not too bad.  Ask a friend from Baltimore and they can give you the 411.

The Capital Beltway/I-95 – The Prince of Darkness Himself
I’ve included I-95 because I-95 and I-495 are like evil conjoined twins that conspire to ruin any DMV driver’s day.  I’m convinced these two highways are living breathing organisms with their own set of parasitic-like gremlins that conduct mayhem at all hours of the day with the sole purpose of ruining my day.  The first thing you should know is that at any given point in the history of these highways, there has always been some major or traumatic traffic altering construction going on.  Take a couple of  weekends ago for instance, when they blocked the right two lanes to drill holes into the road (at least that what it looked like to me) creating a 10 mile backup.  That occurred from 10 am to at the very least 3 pm.  I’ve seen this same thing happen at 11pm, 3am and I swear one time during rush hour (Those workers were nervous as hell cause they knew everyone wanted to kill them).  I-95/I-495 also have the ability to lower the mental capacity of drivers by about ¾ .  When you consider that your average Virginia driver has the driving knowledge of a retarded 10^th grader, by the time you put that same driver on the Capital Beltway, you’re dealing with a primitive caveman surrounded by steel and a combustible engine.  And don’t let it rain, or God forbid snow, while you are on one of these roads.  I’ve seen less panic in those old Godzilla movies with the lip synching Japanese running around.  The moment the first drop of rain or snow flake hits the asphalt, I-95/I-495 become a parking lot full of red brake lights.  Honestly, at night around this time of year it’s actually quite festive looking…until you realize that you’ve been sitting in the same spot for the last hour.  Seeing the multitude of salt trucks parked on the side of the road doing nothing also adds to the frustration, especially when you are sliding around the beltway the next morning wondering just where the fuck your tax dollars went.  Lastly, 495 in particular likes setting you up.  Take this morning for instance.  I got to work in 20 minutes.  I left work at 3:30 thinking that I would be able to duplicate not only my morning drive but the drive I had yesterday afternoon around the same time.  An hour and ten minutes later I could only chuckle to myself saying “Damn you Capital Beltway…You got me once again.”
Tips Survival Guide

1.  The first thing to do when you have made the fateful decision to drive around the Beltway or up 95 during rush hour is to make sure you have the appropriate music in your car.  Since I am cursed to drive around 495 every day for work, I have absolutely ZERO R&B in my car.  I don’t care if I’m going on a romantic date or not.  If I have to pick the bitch up during rush hour around 495, we’ll be getting into the mood with some hardcore Rap.  In order to survive 495 you need to be more angry and more aggressive than the other drivers on the road.  Otherwise you’ll be bullied off the road by some sleep deprived trucker or some illegal alien in a Honda Civic packed full of Mexicans.  Personally, I prefer some Eminem (preferably something off the Slim Shady or Marshall Mathers albums).  My frat brother gets in the mood with some Ice Cube Predator.  You’ll know you’ve found the right CD when you can no longer control the urge to let out a random ‘Fuck you’.

2.  Stretch your middle finger.  Seriously.  There’s nothing worse than trying to communicate with another driver that’s cut you off and catching a cramp in your middle finger.  People always say that’s rude but I think they’ve just never driven on 495.  Giving someone the finger is the easiest and safest way of letting them know how you feel.  If you were to stick your head out the window you’d likely be decapitated by one of those aforementioned sleep deprived truck drivers or some 90 year old grandmother who can barely see over her steering wheel.

3.  Make sure you leave an hour early.  It’s the only way to be sure.

Well that’s it.  Seriously, avoid driving in the DMV on Christmas Eve.  I’m braving the traffic tonight cause I know it’ll be 100 times worse tomorrow.  If you do decide to go out, leave a comment and I’ll pour out some liquor for you.

I live in Maryland and commute out to Virginia (The dreaded Tyson’s Corner area) every day. It’s gotten so bad I’ve been taking the train for the past couple of months because I just couldn’t take the stress. It’s more expensive, but I don’t get home with the urge to murder the first human being I see. When I drive, I have to take Interstate 495 (Capital Beltway). It circles Washington, D.C. and connects Maryland and Virginia. Driving on I-495 during the work week should be considered self-destructive behavior. I’m going to petition to have it added as a suicide attempt in the American Medical Journal. If you carpool to work on I-495, that should considered assisted suicide. On a list of America’s top 24 worse highway bottlenecks, I-495 appears twice; once for the I-495/I-270 interchange (#7) and once for the I-495/I-95 interchange (#15). Let me explain to you why that is so misleading. First off, that listing makes it seem like its two completely separate places, a great distance apart. WRONG! Those places are maybe 12 miles apart. Most people, like myself, have to drive through both of those bottlenecks. That alone should move I-495 to the top of the list. Seriously. You have no idea how disheartening it is to finally pass I-270 after 30 minutes of creeping along at a max 5 mph for around 5 miles and pick up speed, just to run into traffic going 2 mph around the corner. It’s sort of like the feeling you get if you fall in love with a stripper, only to find out she’s stolen all your money and left you with only shame, whore glitter, and a boner.

The second reason I-495 should be higher on the list is that you can’t take any alternate routes because they are all just as backed up. I once tried going through D.C. to get home and it took me 2 ½ hours thanks to the fact that D.C. traffic lights are as synchronized as an epileptic swim team during a flashing light show. They finally finished the Woodrow Wilson bridge, but ever since it took me 2 hours to get home one time, I haven’t grown a pair of balls big enough try going around 495 in that direction. All that doesn’t even take into consideration the time it takes just to get to I-495. I work right by Tyson’s Corner Mall, and it once took me 30 minutes just to get to the freeway. For those not familiar…you could walk from the mall to I-495 in 3 minutes if you were a paraplegic and you didn’t have your chair.

The last reason I-495 should be higher is because trying to judge when “rush hour” occurs is equivalent to playing Russian Roulette with a half loaded gun…you just don’t know what to expect. The only way to avoid traffic in the morning is to be on the road before 6:45 AM. At 6:46…you will be stuck and it will take you 40 minutes to get to work. Morning rush hour lasts from 6:45 to 10:00. From 10:00 to 11:30, you have an hour and a half window. After that, you hit the “lunch rush.” I’m not really sure how long that lasts. I’m convinced that it spills over into evening rush hour. I’ve left at 2:00 before and been able to avoid traffic…but then there are times when I leave at 2:00 (this happened a few weeks ago) and it takes me over an hour. It’s like the entire Capital Beltway is in a perpetual state of congestion. The really frustrating thing is, late at night, when there is little traffic, I can get home in 20 minutes.

But wait!!! There’s more. Not only do I have to deal with congestion, but there’s also the idiots on the road. We rank 2nd in worst drivers. Apparently, knowing how to drive is not a prerequisite for being able to drive…

The law states that you are to be in the left lane for PASSING only. For those that have a hard time comprehending what that means, it means for you to stay the f*@k out of the left lane. I have no problem with you driving like your passenger’s name is ‘Ms. Daisy’, however, do that in the far right lanes. Contrary to popular belief…speed doesn’t kill, stopping does. So while me going fast isn’t a problem, you slowing drifting over to the fast lane only going 55 is going to cause a problem. People are always like “Well you could lose control.” Yeah well, we COULD also be invaded by aliens today, Tupac and Elvis COULD still be alive, and I COULD wake up with a million dollars tomorrow. You won’t see me holding my breath though. If you know how to drive your car, going fast doesn’t mean that you are less in control of your car. Just means that I have to keep more of an eye out for the idiot doing 55 in the fast lane, cruising around, taking in the scenery.

If you are allergic to acceleration, when you see a sign that says “Lane Ends in XXXX feet/yards/miles”, you need to get over immediately. Don’t hold up the rest of us that are aware of the situation. Nothing makes me want to pull my hair out more than sitting at a light behind a fool who apparently hasn’t seen the big yellow sign that says “Lane Ends” and so when the light turns green, they creep along like nothing is wrong. Of course, they realize how dumb they are at the last minute, slam on their brakes and put on their turn signal to get over…when all they had to do was give it a little gas. ARGGGHHHH!!!!!!

Don’t slowly drift into a lane. You’re supposed to change lanes QUICKLY. What part of quickly is hard to comprehend? Every day I see at least 5 people that drift into lanes like they have narcolepsy and fell asleep behind the wheel.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again…Highway exits are sequential. That means if you are passing Exit 20 and Exit 21 is next, Exit 22 will be coming up soon. Why is this relevant? Because, I’m tired of people not realizing that their exit is coming up until they are a ¼ of a mile from it. Then they try to get over from their far left lane, alllllllll the way over to the right. Look, if descending and ascending numbers confuse you, spend some time watching Sesame Street before you hop on the road next time.

Let me give a watered down physics lesson. While it is true that a body in motion stays in motion until acted on by an outside force, that doesn’t mean that you have to use your brakes to slow your car down. There’s this force called “friction” that also helps. This means that you can take your foot off the gas and, miraculously, your car will start to slow down. Why is this an important piece of information? Because it means that you don’t have to slam on your brakes every time you see someone else’s brake lights or when someone changes into your lane 500 feet in front of you. I’m tired of people stopping and going on the road like they are doing the robot in their car. Drift, its ok. Unless you are going insanely fast or you have the reaction time of a tortoise in Antarctica, you’ll have enough time to apply the brakes and stop your car if its really necessary.

In the same token as above, stop slamming on your brakes every time the wind blows hard. Yes, you should react to things on or around the road, but locking up your brakes because a stray bird feather flew in front of your car is not a good look.

This is going to sound really sexist, but I don’t care. Nothing scares me more than a woman in an SUV. I’ll venture to say that 90% of them have no idea how to handle the oversized hunk of metal that they are supposed to be “controlling.” Part of the problem is that fathers don’t teach their daughters to drive like they teach their sons. Fathers and husbands teach their daughters and wives to drive their SUVs like they are driving M1 Abram tanks: “Forget checking your mirrors. Just get over. They’ll get out of your way.” People that can drive (men and women) are taught to judge distances, check their mirrors and only use your brakes when you have to. You know, the normal things that everyone should be required to demonstrate if they are going to get behind the wheel. My favorite though is when no one ever taught them how to merge and so they completely stop in the middle of the road in order to take an off ramp. Exciting…. The other problem is that it’s rarely the case that the woman is driving the SUV because she wanted it. She usually has it because its “necessary” to transport “little Timmy” to soccer practice with the rest of the team. I’ve been nearly blindsided by too many women in Escalades and Tahoes with soccer stickers on the back to think otherwise. They’re simply trying to do too much while they drive a huge vehicle. Combing their daughter’s hair, putting on their makeup, proof reading homework, telling Timmy to stop hitting his sister, etc. As you can see…way more important things than doing something as trivial as keeping their eyes on the road.

Now, I’ll be fair, there are some men that can’t drive either. My response to that is, if you are a “man” and you can’t drive…you should be castrated and forced to wear sundresses and high heels.

Warning: Rubberneck if you want to…but one of these days, I’m going to take a baseball bat and start beating the car of the nosy ass person holding up traffic. Unless there is blood and guts flowing all over the road or they are using the “Jaws of Life” to pull the smoking, crispy carcass of some poor soul out of their car…there is no reason you need to slow down. I know that sounds wrong, but when I’ve sat in traffic for 30 minutes because of an “accident” only to finally see that it’s a minor fender bender, I begin to get filled with Bruce Banner like rage. It is especially frustrating when the accident has occurred on the other side of the median going in the opposite direction and has absolutely no bearing the conditions of the road in front of you.

I know a lot of talk has gone on with making it illegal to use your cell phone while you are driving. I’ve never been a fan of that train of thought because I’m fully capable of using my mouth to talk while simultaneously keeping my eyes on the road. Seems as if I am the exception to the rule though. I want you to think about just how stupid it is that people can’t talk and drive at the same time. There’s a saying about how someone is so dumb they can’t “walk and chew gum at the same time.” That is exactly what it is like to say that someone can’t drive and talk on the phone at the same time. Driving and talking don’t even use the same damn senses. I refuse to believe that driving takes that much brain activity that you can’t also talk on the phone. Unless you are reciting your PhD dissertation on cerebral aneurysms over the phone, talking on a cell phone can’t possibly interfere with you remembering that red means stop, green means go, and don’t hit stationary objects in front of you. But alas, I realize that I have grossly overestimated the logical and functional capacities of the human race.

I understand there are good Samaritans out there…but please, save your Good Deed for the Day for some place other than on the road. I’m tired of people doing the “nice thing” instead of following the traffic laws. What does that mean? That means, if you have a green light, don’t stop to let the person on the side street out in front of you. While it is a nice gesture, you’ve now held up everyone behind you. You my friend, are the cause of rush hour traffic. Not to mention that is a surefire way of getting rear ended. Traffic laws exists for a reason. Blinking yellow lights don’t mean for you to stop and let the people at the red blinking light over because they’ve been sitting there for a long time.

After rereading all of what I just wrote above, I think I’ve come up with a solution. Just like they have special parking spaces for people that have a handicap, I believe there should be special roads for people that have a below average Driving IQ. Considering that 90% of the population would fall into that category, that would free up the normal roads for people like me that know how to drive.