Animal Planet: Stereotyping White People Since 1996

So yesterday I was solidifying my seat in Hell by Live Tweeting the pain of people on Hoarders and Intervention.  I know that it’s probably wrong to judge and that it puts me in one category of “Aint Shitness” but….I’m okay with that.  Hey, the way I see it…some people (particularly those on Intervention) use drugs to make themselves feel better.  I, on the other hand, just watch people use drugs then make fun of their misfortune to make myself feel better.  Maybe that makes me a bad person…but at least I didn’t start smoking Meth at the tender age of 17, relegating myself to a life being a loser.

Anyway….

In an attempt to somehow cleanse my soul, after Intervention went off, I looked for another program on TV that I could make fun of.  I immediately went to Animal Planet because….and this might come off as racist…white people and animals make for HILARIOUS TV.  I mean come on.  I’m pretty sure 100% of the shows on Animal Planet involve white people interjecting themselves into situations with wild animals or trying to save wild animals or being obsessed with wild animals.  Case in point:  Fatal Attractions.  That’s a show where some white person becomes obessed with animals and in most cases ends up dying or severely maimed by said animals.  There was the guy who died and was partly eaten by his pet reptiles.  The guy who died from being bitten by his poisonous snakes.  My favorite though was the white lady who lived in the trailer park and kept a pet black panther.  No shit, a pet BLACK PANTHER.  She used to walk it around the trailer park with a fucking leash as if it was a poodle. Funniest part of that episode is when they said she died after the panther grew up and peeled her wig back.  HILARIOUS I tell you.

Then there’s Whale Wars and the idiots known as the Sea Sheppards.  This is a group of white people that take a leave of absence from their jobs and families to sail around the southern ocean trying to stop Japanese from hunting whales.  When I first heard about this show, I was all “Fuck the Japanese for killing these Whales.”  But after spending an hour watching these limp-wristed, wannabe eco-terrorists whine about whales, shoot red paintballs at the bows of the Whaler ships and pretty much fail at stopping any whales from being killed….I actually started rooting for the Japanese.  No one wants to root for a bunch of whiny losers and the Sea Sheppards are just that.  They spend 90% of an episode running from Japanese ships and whining about how they aren’t saving any whales.  The other 10% is when they actually confront the whalers and they do things like throw stink bombs at them or shoot them with paintball guns.  Last season they actually did get the Whalers to go home earlier but honestly I think that had more to do with the whalers being tired of making these fools look like retards.  South Park did an awesome episode poking fun at the Whale Wars idiots and honestly, if you’ve ever watched the idiots on Whale Wars, you’ll find the episode hilarious for being pretty accurate:

But back to Monday night.  So Monday night Fatal Attractions or Whale Wars wasn’t on.  But I found something equally stupid:

Finding Bigfoot.

Yes, you read that right.  

This is a group of white people that run around the various woods of backwater towns you’ve never heard of nor ever want to visit, looking for Big Foot.  And no, this isn’t a parody show…these people are actually real.  The group this show follows are the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization (yes, this is a REAL organization).  The founder and leader of this group is Matt Moneymaker.  Yes, his last name is Moneymaker.  Folks, I can’t make this shit up if I wanted to.  The show itself follows a team made up of 3 idiot BFRO “researchers” and 1 skeptical (read: Intelligent) biologist.  The 3 idiots are Matt Moneymaker (lmao @ that last name), Cliff Barackman and James “Bobo” Fay (he looks like he spends the time when he’s not hunting for Bigfoot on his momma’s couch playing World of Warcraft).  Ranae Holland is the real research biologist and she’s the only one with any fucking sense and is usually the one pointing out the reality of the situation but of course, the other 3 really don’t listen to her.  The first episode I watched, they found a deer carcass in the woods.  Moneymaker immediately thought it was the remains of a deer caught by a Sasquatch because the leg had been twisted off.  Holland (the only REAL SCIENTIST) pointed out that the bone wasn’t twisted off but just broke off and probably happened when the deer fell down the steep bank.  Moneymaker completely wrote her off though and insisted that this was a Sasquatch kill.   So to summarize, even when informed that he was wrong based on physical evidence, Moneymaker continued to claim he was right.  Earlier in the same episode, they showed video shot by a man using night vision that showed some “creature” picking up a candy bar off a stump.  Now to a regular human being, the blob on the screen looks like a human being.  But to the 3 morons, it was clearly a Sasquatch.  Even after Holland pointed out that they replicated the video using a person, the Moneymaker still told the guy who shot the video that he probably videotaped a Sasquatch.

Oh but it gets better….

In the second episode, Moneymaker and the team investigated the claims in this video that a baby Bigfoot is caught on tape.

*straight face*

The 3 morons basically had an orgasm watching this video.  The funniest part of this episode is when they asked a primate expert if he thought Big Foot could exist.  He said it was possible and they were so excited.  Look, it’s also possible for the world to end in 2012 or for me to hit the lotto tomorrow.  That doesn’t mean it’ll actually happen. Holland, once again trying to be the one using facts and reason tried to explain to them that it was probably a Gibbon that escaped a zoo or someone’s pet, but nope…they took that grainy barely able to see video and proclaimed it to show a baby Big Foot.  It’s insane.  The entire show is spent with these fools 1. Not finding Bigfoot and 2. Making up wild claims about what Sasquatch habits are.  Here is the brief list I came up with after watching 2 episodes:

1. Sasquatches throw rocks & sticks at intruders
2. They’re 7 feet tall yet stay hidden
3. They chase down and eat deer (Think Shaq trying to hunt down a deer)
4. They like candy bars
5. They travel along power lines
6. They sometimes swim under ducks & geese and then snatch them under the water (dude really said this)

I swear, I watched 2 hours of this show and I couldn’t stop laughing.  They NEVER find any solid evidence of Big Foot.  NEVER.  And instead of just admitting “okay, this is some bullshit”, they put on a happy face and pretend like everything is fine.  They walk around the woods with the most ridiculous camera setups, chasing after their own echoes after they make some bullshit “Bigfoot call”. And no, I’m not kidding…they really make “Bigfoot howls” to try to attract the creature. Warning, the following video may cause reasonable people to laugh hysterically:

Animal Planet ain’t shit for showing white people like this.  But as a black guy, I can’t help but laugh.  Why?  Cause black people are portrayed badly on shows all the time.  From Basketball Wives to Steven Seagal Lawman.  Animal Planet is like reparations for black folks.   No channel has the sheer volume of retardation of white folks like Animal Planet.  And unlike Hoarders and Intervention, there’s absolutely zero reason to feel bad for any of these people.