The Side Piece Contract

Another day, another politician with an alleged affair.  This time it’s everyone’s favorite pizza man, Herman Cain.  Cain can’t catch a break with the ladies it seems.  This time though, its not sexual harassment (or assault if you believe Allred’s client) but a 13 year affair.  Typically I’d be a little skeptical of this kind of thing but this woman has phone records and text messages from Cain, some of which took place during typical “Side piece action hour” (Between 11pm and 6 am).  So its safe to assume Herman Cain and Ginger White both mutually agreed to say “Fuck You” to Cain’s marriage and wife.

Ahh….Side Piecing.  The art of being the #2 to a married man/woman.  Morally its reprehensible (by both parties) but hey, different strokes for different folks.  I don’t really have a problem with it cause two consenting adults can do whatever they want.  Sure one is breaking an oath and commitment to someone else and the other is completely ignoring it, but people lie and cheat every day, nothing new.  Side Piecing to me is one of the last forms of legal prostitution anyway.  Sure it’s not a set hourly rate but it’s still sex for gifts/attention/etc.  If you’re down for that life then so be it.  Enjoy it.  However, I’m having a problem with these new age Side Pieces that want to come out and demand apologies or expose their affairs.  Listen, you knew the person you were involved with was married…so what’s with all the demands?  There’s nothing I hate more than a Side Piece who doesn’t abide by the Side Piece Contract.

Contract?

Yes, contract.

See, when a man or woman willingly to sleep with someone who is in a committed relationship, they’ve pretty much have “signed” a contract with their actions that states that they are a side piece and therefore have no rights.  It’s like a non-verbal verbal agreement.

Now before some overly sensitive nuttard takes that statement “no rights” out of context, I’m not talking about your basic human rights.  I’m not saying that Side Pieces aren’t human and therefore if they are assaulted, raped or killed then too bad.  No, when I say “Side Pieces have no Rights” I mean they do not have the “rights” of the main man/woman in the relationship.  I actually broke it down in a chart:

As you can see from the chart, the actual spouses and committed boyfriend/girlfriends are at the top of the relationship hierarchy as they should be.  The “Friend” is that person is isn’t quite boyfriend/girlfriend status yet but it’s pretty much heading in that direction.  Then down at the bottom, where they belong are the Side Pieces.  Why the bottom?  Because there’s nothing honorable about being a Side Piece.  The only thing that being a Side Piece beats is Kris Humphries cause….well….I mean come on.

Being a Side Piece isn’t glamorous.  Side Pieces are the algae eaters of relationships.  Yeah you might be serving a purpose in the grand scheme of things but you’re not and will probably never be the main attraction.

Still want to sleep with that married individual?  Okay.  But let’s look at the standard rules that come with being a Side Piece in the contract.

Rule #1:  You Have No Rights

This rule supersedes all other rules.  It also supersedes any said agreements between the Side Piece and the person in the committed relationship.  “But he promised me I was the only one” – Maybe that’s true, but, if you read the first line of your contract it says “You have no rights” and so you have no rights to claim any rules of the relationship have been broken because…………………..you don’t have a real relationship.  Don’t like that?  Tough shit.  That’s why you don’t sleep with someone else’s spouse.

Rule #2:    Keep Your Mouth Shut

The only time your mouth should be opened is if you’re giving oral sex.  If your affair is exposed, you deny it and keep it moving.  You don’t get to “defend your name and set the record straight” because the fact is, you have no honor.  You’re sleeping with a married individual.  They fucked up but so did you.  You’re both two honorless whorebags and there’s really nothing you can say outside of “It didn’t happened” that would put you in a good light.

Rule #3:  He/She Won’t Leave Their Wife/Husband For You.

If you want the short answer to why they won’t leave their wife or husband, just refer back to Rule #1.   I understand why side pieces hang onto this hope though.  Every now and then a side piece does get the ultimate reward of actually becoming the main chick.  It’s rare, but it happens.  It’s like getting both Boardwalk and Park Place pieces when playing McDonald’s Monopoly…it can happen but not for you.  There are 3 side pieces I can think of off the top of my head that were able to overcome this clause in the contract:

Angelina Jolie – I can’t even call her a Side Piece.  She wanted Brad Pitt, he was dating Jenifer Aniston.  Jolie basically roughed Aniston for her lunch money and corn bread.  Plus, Pitt upgraded.

Rielle Hunter – Hunter basically got rewarded for being a loyal John Edwards side piece…not to mention, Elizabeth Edwards died.  She got the upgrade by default

Mark Sanford’s side piece – Sanford is taking body shots off a hot reporter off a beach in Venezuela right now. Beach + Hot Chick + a shit dude who dumps his family on Father’s Day weekend to go chill with his mistress in another country = Upgrade.

Since most Side Pieces are nothing more than sex on demand, it ain’t normal.  “But we have a real connection” – yes you do, when your genitals meet.

Rule #4:  They Don’t Love You…They “Love” You

They sleep with you to get their nut off.  That’s the extent of how much they “love” you.  If they really loved you, you’d be the main piece.  If given the choice of “saving their marriage or being with you, 9 times out of 10 they choose their marriage.  They figure they can always win you back later or replace you…which leads to …..

Rule #5:    You are Replaceable

The only irreplaceable Side Pieces are the Side Pieces that know their roles and stay in their lanes.  Side Piece Hall of Fame first ballot?  Mildred Patricia Baena…Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Side Piece.  Talking about knowing a role and playing it.  She got pregnant, didn’t talk about it, had the baby then kept working as the house keeper.  For over a decade.  The only irreplaceable Side Piece is the Side Piece that knows they are replaceable.

Rule #6:  Add +1 to Holidays

No I don’t mean when you RSVP to the office Christmas Party say +1 cause your lover will be going, I mean +1 to the date of the Holidays.  Christmas Day for Side Pieces is December 26.  Why?  Cause December 25, your lover is actually with their real family…the people he cares about more than you.  Side Pieces don’t get real Holidays.  Like everything else in a side piece “relationship”, this is about getting leftovers.

Rule #7:   You’ll always be the side piece

Let’s keep it real.  You’re the career role player, never the superstar.  You’ll never be Jordan, Kobe, Lebron, etc.  The best you can hope for is to be a Robert Horry.  Averaging 24.5 minutes per game and knowing that with 30 second left in the game you might get that call to stand at the top of the key and sink that three.  That’s the absolute best you can hope for.  Mostly though, you’ll just be that on-call bench player who gets called into the game for 4 minutes at a time to hack Shaq and put him on the line.  That’s the role you play.  You won’t be acknowledged in public.  You don’t get to talk about how you don’t get enough attention.  If you really don’t like the fact that you aren’t having a real relationship then you need to break off the affair you’re having with the married man/woman. It’s that simple.

Now let me say once again, I don’t condone this behavior.  If you are married and take an oath to be with someone, then live up to your oath.   If you know that a person is married then you need to leave them alone.  They’re taken.  Off the market. Period.  It takes two to tango when cheating is involved and no one side is less responsible than the other.  Both are equally wrong.  This post isn’t about saying that  the cheating spouse is less culpable than the side piece.  This post is about informing SidePieces of the shitty position being a Side Piece is.  Hey to be honest, some people don’t mind playing the role.  To them I tip my hat and say “carry on.”  This is really for those Side Pieces like Ginger White or Tiger Wood’s side pieces who want to come out after being a willing participate for years with men they knew were married and try to “set the record straight” or demand apologies.  I’m sorry but no, you knew what role you were signing up for when you decided to carry on with a married partner.  I’m sorry but no sympathy for you.  As the Rock would say “Know your Role and Shut your mouth.”  You agreed to be the Side Piece so follow the Side Piece rules.  If those rules aren’t acceptable to you, then that’s fine…stop sleeping with married/committed people.  It’s really that simple.  You don’t get to sneak around sleeping with married people then claim to be the victim.  No.  Not at all.