Fox & Friends
With the exception of Shep Smith, the entire line up of Fox News is a shining example of what modern day fear mongering mixed with propaganda looks like. Fox & Friends deserves special mention though because there’s nothing quite like this kind of fuckery in the morning. Jon Stewart and the Daily Show recently had a segment where John Oliver and Wyatt Cenac tried to convince the audience that Fox News was either Team Evil or Team Stupid. In my opinion, Fox & Friends is an unholy union between both. You have Grechen Carlson who represents Team Evil because Jon Stewart’s already exposed her as not being the dumb blond she pretends to be on TV. Steve Doocy is Team Stupid because, well he used to be the weatherman and somehow that qualified him to be a full blown host giving his opinions on issues he knows nothing about. And Brian Kilmeade? He’s some bastardized mutated version of the two. What makes Fox & Friends so bad is how they push an agenda and appear to be so serious and innocent when doing it. At least when Sean Hannity does it, he has that douchebag smirk on his face and you know he’s struggling to keep the feces building up in his esophagus from spilling out of his ears. The fools at Fox & Friends though make it seem like they are reading off facts from inside a Britannica Encyclopedia. But what really makes Fox & Friends bad that no one seems to notice is that Fox & Friends is the next step from conservative bloggers in the linear chain of how conservative bullshit gets into the mainstream. People forget that it was actually Steve Doocy, not Sarah Palin, that was the first to spew the “Well Alaska is close to Russia” line about Palin having foreign policy experience. Doocy gets quickly dismissed for suggesting something so ludicrous but sure enough, days later, that became a “legitimate” talking point on the Right.
The great thing about Fox & Friends is how easy it is to switch out the pieces. When one of the regulars goes on break or on the weekend, Fox News comes in with their doplegangers: a blond, an idiot and a brown hairded fool trying to make comedy. You have to remember that Carlson is actually the replacement for E.D Hill. You’ll remember her as the idiot who coined the “Terrorist fist jab” phrase. Gotta love Fox & Friends. They’re trailblazers in idiocy.
Calling Glenn Beck a liar really is an understatement to just how destructive this man is. Beck is like a jail house convict who spent 10 years in prison reading books, gets out and now thinks they are the most enlightened person in the world. You know what I’m talking about. The fresh out of jail preacher who has just enough knowledge to be dangerous, and not in a good way. To be honest, Beck actually does base a lot of his claims on fact. The problem is how he cherry picks which facts he wants to highlight and the absurd logic he uses to associate completely unrelated things. Take Beck’s constant use of the Weimar Republic, Hitler and the Nazis. We all know Beck uses so many Hitler references I’m sure he’s paying royalties to Adolf’s great grandkids. Beck is always using the fall of the Weimar Republic and the rise of Hitler as some cautionary tale of what President Obama and his “radical pals” are doing to America. Problem is, Beck leaves out the part about the Treaty of Versailles and how the economic problems Germany faced makes what we’re going through look like a bump in the road. Or how he talked about Civil Rights and slavery and left out the parts about the Transatlantic slave trade, slave auctions or how a century after slavery “ended” African Americans were still treated as second class citizens. Oh and he also conveniently leaves out that the “American People” he cherishes so much…supported that discrimination as well.
But what really gets me is how Beck tries to worm his way around taking responsibility for spewing hate or misinformation. Take his stance on whether Obama is really a secret Muslim. He first comes out and says that he’ll “Take the President at his word that he’s a Christian.” That kind of half assed statement is already bad to begin with (Yeah I’m looking at you Mitch McConnell) but then Beck channeled his inner Chris Rock and basically said “I’m not saying calling the President a Muslim is right…but I understand.” He went on for 10 – 20 minutes trying to claim that Black Theology wasn’t Christianity and even more disgusting how some of the things President Obama said on the campaign trail and in speeches was “close to” some “Islamic principles.” Or how about his 8/28 “Restore Honor” rally which just so happens to be on the anniversary of Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream Speech.” Beck claims he “didn’ t know” that it was the same date [Insert straight face] and that he wouldn’t dare claim to be like MLK (Although apparently Gandhi, Jesus and Abe Lincoln are okay icons for Beck to claim similarities too). Of course for a man claiming he’s not trying to hijack the legacy of King, Beck’s spent almost an entire week of his show…doing just that. The irony of the whole thing is, if King was alive today, Beck and his Tea Party movement would be calling him a socialist for King’s thoughts on “fundamentally transforming this country”.
Ever gone out for Chinese food and ate bad moo shu or some old General Tso chicken and leaving your insides feeling like a kung fu class is taking place in your intestines? Well the horrible excretion from your ass that ends up in your toilet from that poor choice in dinner…that’s Ted Nugent. Nugent is the byproduct of America’s legacy of bigotry, hatred and a piss poor education system. If hatred and discrimination are America’s villain then Nugent is writing the villian’s theme music. To be honest I really didn’t know who Ted Nugent was until that clip of him at a concert where he was holding a machine gun and telling Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama they could suck on it. To be honest, I wish Nugent would suck on his own machine gun and pull the trigger. The man is really the most worthless piece of human flesh and bones on the earth and for a planet that includes the likes of Soulja Boy and Kat Stacks…that’s saying a lot. Ted Nugent latest idiocy? Claiming President Obama is really a secret “Moslem Operative”. Now to be honest, the “Obama’s really a secret one-man terror cell” conspiracy theories are actually my favorite because the paranoia of the fuckers who believe them is actually something that should be used as a case study in psychology classes. Think about it. To believe this you would have to believe that 40 years ago a group of Illuminati like Muslims got together and drew straws to see who would go to America to impregnate a lily white American girl creating the world’s first “Terror Baby” who would later become President and open the door for Islam to conquer America… all while giving him the most exotic sounding name ever thought of in American politics. If you believe that you’re either a) Bat shit crazy b) Stupid or c) Bat shit crazy and stupid. For Ted Nugent I’ll go with c). But you know the real problem I have with Nugent? Well the fact that for all his shit talking he’s nothing more than a draft dodging pussy. Yup you heard me. The man who owns 350 guns and walks around dressed in army fatigues like he’s the Hillbilly version of Rambo went out of his way to avoid being drafted to Vietnam. Nugent’s closest experience with combat? Being allowed to man the 50 caliber machine gun on a helicopter when he visited the troops in Afghanistan. “Son…were you ever in the military?” “No sir…but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express in the Iraqi green zone.”
I have to be honest. I didn’t know Alveda King was the niece of Martin Luther King Jr. I only found out about her because she was on Glenn Beck’s show yesterday promoting his “Restoring Honor” rally at the Lincoln Memorial on the anniversary of her uncle’s “I Have a Dream” speech. Honestly, this woman is so full of shit it oozes out of her ears. Just watch this video where she states her view on gay marriage.
You heard that right. A descendent of the great Martin Luther King, a man who preached tolerance and fought & died for Civil Rights, is advocating for the denial of rights for another minority group. And with such a ridiculous claim. “OMG…if gays get married…we won’t procreate and we’ll all go extinct” *taps shoulder* “You do know that even if they can’t get married, gays are still gay and still can’t naturally procreate.” Alveda King acts as if banning gay marriage will cause all the gays to come together and say “Hey people, we tried…they’re on to us. Guess we gotta go back to being straight now.” Come on. To spit such vile ridiculousness and then at the same time complain that she has no idea why she’s being met with such hate for supporting Glenn Beck’s rally shows a complete lack of awareness. Alveda King makes me wish Chappelle’s Racial Draft was real. I’d trade Alveda King for Tim Wise.
Oh you didn’t think I forgot about the other half of the Dynamic Duo of Civil Rights Ambulance chasers did you? Let’s ignore the fact that Sharpton’s hair looks like he’s spent 45 minutes in a high speed wind tunnel. Let’s even ignore the fact that he seems to pop up conveniently when the cameras are rolling. My biggest beef with Sharpton is that he seems to have strange friends that you would never associate him with. Remember when Bill O’Reilly made that comment about black people at Sylvia’s? Guess who Bill was having dinner with? Yup…Al Sharpton. Yesterday Beck said that while Sharpton is holding a “counter rally” that he actually respects Sharpton and Sharpton respects him and they talk all the time. Okay…pause. Respect? Come on. How do you have respect for a guy who did a hatchet job not only on Civil Rights but on slavery as too. “But Kriss, maybe Glenn Beck was lying.” Okay, that’s a possibility. As I’ve stated before, Beck stretches the truth. But I actually believe him. Why? Because this is what Sharpton does. He grandstands for the cameras but then when they’re off he does shit like have dinner with Bill O’Reilly (that’s not a one time thing). Sharpton is an opportunistic snake. I have no doubt that when the cameras and mics are off, he’s shaking hands, smiling and hugging all these same absurd Fox News bastards he “takes stands against.” Now in his defense maybe he’s trying to “convert them back to the light.” But as a wise man once said about hoes “Don’t be a captain they don’t want to be saved.”
Whale War’s Sea Shepherds
You know how PETA’s over the top antics make you want to eat a rhinoceros steak with 2 condor eggs on the side while drinking the tears of clubbed baby seals? Well the Sea Shepherds and their incompetence make me feel that way as well. After watching almost an entire season of Whale Wars, I’m actually rooting for the Japanese whalers. Sure the Japanese are douches and are killing whales but at least they are competent douches. To really appreciate the incompetence displayed by the Sea Shepherds, you first have to watch the South Park episode spoofing them. Watch it first because when you then watch the real thing, you’ll be surprised to find out that South Park wasn’t really spoofing them…they were just showing the real thing. When you’re out gunned, out manned and out funded, you have to at least have some pretty superior tactics…which they don’t have. Led by Paul Watson, the Sea Shepherd’s display a level of incompetence that makes Dan Synder look like a competent owner. The main ship the Shepherd’s use is called the Steve Irwin, named after a guy who died by taking a sting ray barb to the heart. No offense but that’s one of the dumbest ways you could die when you’re in that line of work. It’s like if Dale Earnhardt died not from hitting the wall at 160 mph during a NASCAR race but rather in a freak fender-bender accident in a school zone. And that’s the guy the Sea Shepherd’s named their flag ship after. Brilliant. This season the Sea Shepherds added 2 vessels to the Steve Irwin to form their “fleet”. A converted whaling ship called the “Bob Barker” (no comment) and then a smaller slicker updated ship called the Ady Gil. Now the Ady Gil had promise. It looked like something James Bond would use. And you know what? In the hands of James Bond it would probably be an awesome boat. In the hands of the incompetent Sea Shepherds, it ended up being a worthless piece of scrap metal at the bottom of the ocean by the middle of the season. And that’s the story of this entire season of Whale Wars. The Ady Gil gets sunk, the Bob Barker is always broken, they ruin a $100,000 dingy, they can’t lose the surveillance ship that’s tracking them and all the while the Japanese are going “Fucka u dolphin fucka u whale” (South Park reference for those of you too slow to get it). Add in random cuts of them sadly looking into the camera saying “we gotta save the whales” and you basically have an entire season of Whale Wars. Whales still die and after watching these incompetent fucks…you don’t care. Best part of the season is when after the Ady Gil gets sunk and a one of the crew members who was on board that was scheduled to go home and back to his real job gets told that they “have to save the whales” and he can’t be taken back to port. Faced with reality of losing his real job the crew member gets understandably upset and the pussy ass captain and his first mate talk to each other about how neither one of them can be around him alone out of fear of “what he might do.” I’m not kidding. These fools are really that limp wristed. Then again what do you expect from a bunch of fucks who think they can stop whaling armed with some jars of butyric acid and rotten potato launchers. These fools need to just suck it up and call Stan.