Rules to Cheating: The Lateral Move

Did you hear?  Tiger Woods is back in the game of Golf.  He’s playing the Masters at Augusta.  Sure we have 2 wars going on, a Health Care Bill that just passed, a terrible economic climate and bunch of other “seriousy things” (said in a Sarah Palin voice) going on…but at least we get Tiger back playing Golf.  We’re saved.

Of course you’ve heard about Tiger Woods and his “dramatic” return to golf.  How could you not?  The media is on Tiger’s jock like a cocktail waitress who moonlights as a C-list porn star. These are the same fools that spent tens of thousands of dollars in tuition for journalism school just so 10 years later they could be standing outside a random sex addiction rehab clinic in Mississippi hoping to report on whether Tiger Woods is in fact treating his fictitious “sex addiction.”  On face value it’s completely absurd that we are spending this much time and attention on a billionaire man who (un)shockingly cheated on his wife.  It’s a simple formula to me:

Man + power + Shit loads of money – Time away from family + Dash of Opportunity + A gaggle of women wanting to get a taste of that power penis  = A cheating celebrity

But hey, it’s the American media.  They haven’t met a train wreck (or runaway balloon) that they didn’t want to cover. Here’s my main problem with the coverage.  It’s covering this story as if it’s shocking and amazing that a billionaire athlete was getting something on the side.  The sad reality is, rich people with too much time on their hands and power they probably aren’t mentally ready to handle, are going to find themselves in bad situations like this.  So when I hear that a billionaire athlete is cheating on his wife, it’s not a shock to me.  What DOES bother me is the asinine and idiotic ways these fools are doing it.  I understand when the regular guy cheating on his wife gets caught and ends up screwing himself and his life forever.  But when you’re making this kind of money, I would think self preservation of one’s financial security would make you more careful when dealing with these kinds of situations.  If I had money, I’d have one guy on my staff whose job would be to emulate Winston Wolf.  Hell, I might start a company:  The Winston Wolf Problem Solving Group.  I’d focus on cleaning up celebrity messes and helping them to avoid situations like the one Tiger Woods, Jesse James and a slew of other celebrities have gotten themselves into.

Since 2010 is turning into the Chinese “Year of the Whore”, I’ll give you all a preview of some of the rules my company would help these celebrities understand.  It’s real simple.  There’s only three.  Rule number one:

If you’re thinking about stepping out on your marital commitment…DON’T

Simple enough.  It pretty much makes the rest of this conversation unnecessary.  Follow this rule and you can stop reading and go back to whatever you were doing with your life.  No lawyers, no alternate weekend visits with the kids, no having to deal with the other person taking half.  It’s the easy solution.  Follow this, problem avoided and you can move on with your life.

The End.

Wait…you’re still here?  Okay fine.  You’re like most human beings.  You think the rules either don’t apply to you or that they are meant to be broken.  Fine.  Be that way.  Rule number two for those of you who are just intent on risking your good marriage, loving family and nice bank account:

DON’T STEP OUT ON YOUR MARRIAGE.

Do you hear me now?  Seriously, what are you doing?  Are you trying to become “THAT” guy (or girl)?  You know who I’m talking about.  You know, “THAT” guy, the one that has to pay a ridiculous sum of spousal support that could probably buy their former significant other a small island nation.  I mean, cause you do know you’re going to get caught right?  No one gets away with cheating forever.  NO ONE.  Even if you think your significant other is oblivious they aren’t.  They’re either just ignoring it and/or cheating too.  So how about you just don’t cheat?  Make it easy on yourself, your spouse, your kids, your wallet…stay committed.  Either that or just don’t get married.  Saying “No” is an option.  But if you’re gonna go that route I also ask that you use protection and don’t start building a little league team with your own DNA (I’m looking at you Weezy). But that’s a topic for another day…

So let’s say you’re just dead set on sticking your cock into someone not your wife or twirling on someone else’s penis that isn’t your husband.  Apparently you have an iron clad plan for keeping the affair secret, you don’t care if your significant other takes half and the person you’re cheating with has a genital area lined with golden fleece and you just HAVE to give it a try.  Fine, so be it. I don’t recommend ignoring the first two rules but if you do, then please…at the very least listen to Rule #3:

Make a lateral move or a forward pass

What does this mean?  It means that if you’re going to cheat on your significant other, at the very least do it with someone on the same level as you…or better.  I guess it’s the “power trip” that comes with it but men seem to love cheating on their wives with some regular downgraded chick.  Look at John Edwards.  Granted, Rielle Hunter does look better than Elizabeth Edwards.  But John was running to be President of the United States.  THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.  And the best he could do was the camera girl?  Come on.  That’s absurd.  I guess that’s par for the course though.  Bill Clinton was getting his Popsicle licked by an intern.  A gotdamn intern.  A temporary summer employee, usually filled by a college student.  The man with the NUCLEAR CODES.  You mean to tell me he couldn’t find a decent looking republican congresswoman to get his jollies off to?  Then maybe he would have gotten even more done.  If you’re President, you have to make an equal trade.  If Barack ever cheats on Michelle it better be with another Head of State’s wife…like say a Carla Bruni.  Of course that’s how wars get started…but at least that’s a reason I can get behind.

There are several reasons why “the lateral move” rule should be followed besides the obvious “You can do better” reason.  First off, if you are sleeping with someone who has just as much (if not more) to lose as you do, you won’t have to worry about “The Tiger Effect”.  The “Tiger Effect” is defined as having one or more low level mistresses coming out the woodworks in an attempt to milk 15 minutes of fame from having sucked and fucked a famous cock.  A woman (or man) with nothing to lose and everything to gain from your fame will view your reproductive organs as a gateway to success.    It’s a job that eventually leads to a payday.  Someone with just as much to lose on the other hand, views an affair as a clandestine operation that is under a strict “need to know” order, separate from their everyday life.  To that person, exposure of your affair hurts them as much if not more than you.  Therefore they have a vested interest in discretion.  And I’m talking real discretion.  Not that fake “I’m going to expose myself as a mistress but then claim I want to be out of the media attention” discretion.  If more people did lateral moves, we would not have Karrine Steffans as a bestselling author or Kat Stacks putting out “How to be a Whore For Dummies” Youtube videos.  We wouldn’t have to watch as Jesse James’ mistresses slowly come out giving interviews about how “They didn’t want to hurt Sandra Bullock and just want to be left alone by the media”, yet they’re the ones coming out the woodworks shouting “I had Jesse’s penis in my mouth.”

Another reason the lateral move is good is because….no one cares when you make a swap out or upgrade.  Take Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  While there was some coverage (and still is) about how Pitt dumped Jennifer Aniston for Jolie, the truth is Brad & Angelina get more coverage as a “beautiful couple” than some evil spawn of unfaithfulness.  Why?  Because we all saw the same scene in Mr. and Mrs. Smith and came to the same “Yeah they need to have sex in real life” conclusion.  Not to mention, an Angelina Jolie trumps a Jennifer Aniston any day of the week.  It’s just like in football.  If it gets you positive yardage, everyone will talk about how brilliant and awesome the move was.  Even if your form was flawed, sloppy and completely lacking fundamentals…if it moves you forward, people will tout your abilities.  But if you’re doing like Tiger and you get caught boning the cocktail waitress barely making minimum wage with tips, it’s like you just ran a play that lost you 15 yards from scrimmage.  You’re setting yourself up to be criticized and hounded about why you made such a boneheaded move.

The case of Jesse James’ infidelity is a perfect example of how the “Lateral/Forward Pass” move works and the consequences of when you break it.  Jesse James went from a porn star to Sandra Bullock.  He met Sandra while he was still married and I think it’s fair to say, there was probably a little “infidelity” there.  But guess what?  It was a forward pass.  Hell, it was a fucking Hail Mary.  No one really cared that James might have cheated on his second wife with Bullock. Why?  Because he upgraded from a porn star to Sandra fucking Bullock.  If anything they were asking themselves “How the hell did he pull that off?”  But then like a typical greedy human being, he got cocky, complacent and just downright foolish.  While his more famous wife is out filming a movie that eventually won her an Oscar, James is out fucking a porn star tattoo model.  It’s like he was running a kick off back for a touchdown…got to the 1 yard line, turned around and ran back to the opposite goal line and got tackled for a safety.

Again, I can’t stress enough that the first two rules are golden.  If you follow them, you won’t have any problems.  If you think you’re going have problems staying faithful, don’t get married.  I’ve never really understood celebrities (particularly men) who get married when they spend 75 – 80 % of their time away from home and their family.  All that time away from home plus limitless access to money with women ready and willing to help you break your vows is a recipe for infidelity disaster.  Sure, we could debate about how it SHOULDN’T be that way.  We could close our eyes and ears and pretend we live in a Utopia world where people resist easy temptations like that.  Honestly, even the strongest willed person can crack under those conditions.  But we’re all human right?  We break rules.  It’s not right, I don’t condone it…but I understand it happens.  Now let me say that if you do go to rule three and you pull it off?  You should immediately start following the first two rules.  Why?  Because you’re not going to be able to pull a repeated lateral move every time.  It’s not easy to do.  You’ll get sloppy and mess it up.  So stop being greedy.  If you get lucky to pull this off, thank your lucky stars you were rewarded for your bad behavior and don’t test your luck again.  If you find yourself struggling to be faithful.  Get a divorce and realize…maybe marriage isn’t for you.  It’s really that simple folks.