Did you hear?Â Tiger Woods is back in the game of Golf.Â Heâ€™s playing the Masters at Augusta.Â Sure we have 2 wars going on, a Health Care Bill that just passed, a terrible economic climate and bunch of other “seriousy things” (said in a Sarah Palin voice) going on…but at least we get Tiger back playing Golf.Â We’re saved.
Of course you’ve heard about Tiger Woods and his “dramatic” return to golf.Â How could you not?Â The media is on Tigerâ€™s jock like a cocktail waitress who moonlights as a C-list porn star. These are the same fools that spent tens of thousands of dollars in tuition for journalism school just so 10 years later they could be standing outside a random sex addiction rehab clinic in Mississippi hoping to report on whether Tiger Woods is in fact treating his fictitious “sex addiction.”Â On face value itâ€™s completely absurd that we are spending this much time and attention on a billionaire man who (un)shockingly cheated on his wife.Â Itâ€™s a simple formula to me:
Man + power + Shit loads of money â€“ Time away from family + Dash of Opportunity + A gaggle of women wanting to get a taste of that power penis Â = A cheating celebrity
But hey, it’s the American media.Â They haven’t met a train wreck (or runaway balloon) that they didn’t want to cover. Hereâ€™s my main problem with the coverage.Â Itâ€™s covering this story as if it’s shocking and amazing that a billionaire athlete was getting something on the side.Â The sad reality is, rich people with too much time on their hands and power they probably arenâ€™t mentally ready to handle, are going to find themselves in bad situations like this.Â So when I hear that a billionaire athlete is cheating on his wife, itâ€™s not a shock to me.Â What DOES bother me is the asinine and idiotic ways these fools are doing it.Â I understand when the regular guy cheating on his wife gets caught and ends up screwing himself and his life forever.Â But when youâ€™re making this kind of money, I would think self preservation of oneâ€™s financial security would make you more careful when dealing with these kinds of situations.Â If I had money, Iâ€™d have one guy on my staff whose job would be to emulate Winston Wolf.Â Hell, I might start a company:Â The Winston Wolf Problem Solving Group.Â I’d focus on cleaning up celebrity messes and helping them to avoid situations like the one Tiger Woods, Jesse James and a slew of other celebrities have gotten themselves into.
Since 2010 is turning into the Chinese “Year of the Whoreâ€ť, I’ll give you all a preview of some of the rules my company would help these celebrities understand.Â Itâ€™s real simple.Â Thereâ€™s only three.Â Rule number one:
If youâ€™re thinking about stepping out on your marital commitment…DON’T
Simple enough.Â It pretty much makes the rest of this conversation unnecessary.Â Follow this rule and you can stop reading and go back to whatever you were doing with your life.Â No lawyers, no alternate weekend visits with the kids, no having to deal with the other person taking half.Â Itâ€™s the easy solution.Â Follow this, problem avoided and you can move on with your life.
Waitâ€¦youâ€™re still here?Â Okay fine.Â Youâ€™re like most human beings.Â You think the rules either donâ€™t apply to you or that they are meant to be broken.Â Fine.Â Be that way.Â Rule number two for those of you who are just intent on risking your good marriage, loving family and nice bank account:
DONâ€™T STEP OUT ON YOUR MARRIAGE.
Do you hear me now?Â Seriously, what are you doing?Â Are you trying to become â€śTHATâ€ť guy (or girl)?Â You know who Iâ€™m talking about.Â You know, â€śTHATâ€ť guy, the one that has to pay a ridiculous sum of spousal support that could probably buy their former significant other a small island nation.Â I mean, cause you do know youâ€™re going to get caught right?Â No one gets away with cheating forever.Â NO ONE.Â Even if you think your significant other is oblivious they arenâ€™t.Â Theyâ€™re either just ignoring it and/or cheating too.Â So how about you just donâ€™t cheat?Â Make it easy on yourself, your spouse, your kids, your walletâ€¦stay committed.Â Either that or just donâ€™t get married.Â Saying â€śNoâ€ť is an option.Â But if youâ€™re gonna go that route I also ask that you use protection and donâ€™t start building a little league team with your own DNA (Iâ€™m looking at you Weezy). But thatâ€™s a topic for another dayâ€¦
So letâ€™s say youâ€™re just dead set on sticking your cock into someone not your wife or twirling on someone elseâ€™s penis that isnâ€™t your husband.Â Apparently you have an iron clad plan for keeping the affair secret, you donâ€™t care if your significant other takes half and the person youâ€™re cheating with has a genital area lined with golden fleece and you just HAVE to give it a try.Â Fine, so be it. I donâ€™t recommend ignoring the first two rules but if you do, then pleaseâ€¦at the very least listen to Rule #3:
Make a lateral move or a forward pass
What does this mean?Â It means that if youâ€™re going to cheat on your significant other, at the very least do it with someone on the same level as youâ€¦or better.Â I guess itâ€™s the â€śpower tripâ€ť that comes with it but men seem to love cheating on their wives with some regular downgraded chick.Â Look at John Edwards.Â Granted, Rielle Hunter does look better than Elizabeth Edwards.Â But John was running to be President of the United States.Â THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.Â And the best he could do was the camera girl?Â Come on.Â Thatâ€™s absurd. Â I guess thatâ€™s par for the course though.Â Bill Clinton was getting his Popsicle licked by an intern.Â A gotdamn intern.Â A temporary summer employee, usually filled by a college student.Â The man with the NUCLEAR CODES.Â You mean to tell me he couldnâ€™t find a decent looking republican congresswoman to get his jollies off to?Â Then maybe he would have gotten even more done.Â If youâ€™re President, you have to make an equal trade.Â If Barack ever cheats on Michelle it better be with another Head of Stateâ€™s wifeâ€¦like say a Carla Bruni.Â Of course thatâ€™s how wars get startedâ€¦but at least thatâ€™s a reason I can get behind.
There are several reasons why â€śthe lateral moveâ€ť rule should be followed besides the obvious â€śYou can do betterâ€ť reason.Â First off, if you are sleeping with someone who has just as much (if not more) to lose as you do, you wonâ€™t have to worry about â€śThe Tiger Effectâ€ť.Â The â€śTiger Effectâ€ť is defined as having one or more low level mistresses coming out the woodworks in an attempt to milk 15 minutes of fame from having sucked and fucked a famous cock.Â A woman (or man) with nothing to lose and everything to gain from your fame will view your reproductive organs as a gateway to success.Â Â Â Itâ€™s a job that eventually leads to a payday.Â Someone with just as much to lose on the other hand, views an affair as a clandestine operation that is under a strict â€śneed to knowâ€ť order, separate from their everyday life.Â To that person, exposure of your affair hurts them as much if not more than you.Â Therefore they have a vested interest in discretion.Â And Iâ€™m talking real discretion.Â Not that fake â€śIâ€™m going to expose myself as a mistress but then claim I want to be out of the media attentionâ€ť discretion.Â If more people did lateral moves, we would not have Karrine Steffans as a bestselling author or Kat Stacks putting out â€śHow to be a Whore For Dummiesâ€ť Youtube videos.Â We wouldnâ€™t have to watch as Jesse Jamesâ€™ mistresses slowly come out giving interviews about how â€śThey didnâ€™t want to hurt Sandra Bullock and just want to be left alone by the mediaâ€ť, yet theyâ€™re the ones coming out the woodworks shouting â€śI had Jesseâ€™s penis in my mouth.â€ť
Another reason the lateral move is good is becauseâ€¦.no one cares when you make a swap out or upgrade.Â Take Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.Â While there was some coverage (and still is) about how Pitt dumped Jennifer Aniston for Jolie, the truth is Brad & Angelina get more coverage as a â€śbeautiful coupleâ€ť than some evil spawn of unfaithfulness.Â Why?Â Because we all saw the same scene in Mr. and Mrs. Smith and came to the same â€śYeah they need to have sex in real lifeâ€ť conclusion.Â Not to mention, an Angelina Jolie trumps a Jennifer Aniston any day of the week.Â Itâ€™s just like in football.Â If it gets you positive yardage, everyone will talk about how brilliant and awesome the move was.Â Even if your form was flawed, sloppy and completely lacking fundamentalsâ€¦if it moves you forward, people will tout your abilities.Â But if youâ€™re doing like Tiger and you get caught boning the cocktail waitress barely making minimum wage with tips, itâ€™s like you just ran a play that lost you 15 yards from scrimmage.Â Youâ€™re setting yourself up to be criticized and hounded about why you made such a boneheaded move.
The case of Jesse Jamesâ€™ infidelity is a perfect example of how the â€śLateral/Forward Passâ€ť move works and the consequences of when you break it.Â Jesse James went from a porn star to Sandra Bullock.Â He met Sandra while he was still married and I think itâ€™s fair to say, there was probably a little â€śinfidelityâ€ť there.Â But guess what?Â It was a forward pass.Â Hell, it was a fucking Hail Mary.Â No one really cared that James might have cheated on his second wife with Bullock. Why?Â Because he upgraded from a porn star to Sandra fucking Bullock. Â If anything they were asking themselves â€śHow the hell did he pull that off?â€ťÂ But then like a typical greedy human being, he got cocky, complacent and just downright foolish.Â While his more famous wife is out filming a movie that eventually won her an Oscar, James is out fucking a porn star tattoo model.Â Itâ€™s like he was running a kick off back for a touchdownâ€¦got to the 1 yard line, turned around and ran back to the opposite goal line and got tackled for a safety.
Again, I canâ€™t stress enough that the first two rules are golden.Â If you follow them, you wonâ€™t have any problems.Â If you think youâ€™re going have problems staying faithful, donâ€™t get married.Â Iâ€™ve never really understood celebrities (particularly men) who get married when they spend 75 â€“ 80 % of their time away from home and their family.Â All that time away from home plus limitless access to money with women ready and willing to help you break your vows is a recipe for infidelity disaster.Â Sure, weÂ could debate about how it SHOULDNâ€™T be that way.Â We could close our eyes and ears and pretend we live in a Utopia world where people resist easy temptations like that.Â Honestly, even the strongest willed person can crack under those conditions.Â But weâ€™re all human right?Â We break rules.Â Itâ€™s not right, I donâ€™t condone itâ€¦but I understand it happens.Â Now let me say that if you do go to rule three and you pull it off?Â You should immediately start following the first two rules.Â Why? Â Because youâ€™re not going to be able to pull a repeated lateral move every time.Â Itâ€™s not easy to do.Â Youâ€™ll get sloppy and mess it up.Â So stop being greedy.Â If you get lucky to pull this off, thank your lucky stars you were rewarded for your bad behavior and donâ€™t test your luck again.Â If you find yourself struggling to be faithful.Â Get a divorce and realizeâ€¦maybe marriage isnâ€™t for you.Â It’s really that simple folks.