“Deliver us not from evil…but from Nicolas Cage…please Lord”

Someone really needs to stop Nicolas cage from making movies.  I know he has a ton of debt but still.  Enough is enough.  Tell this guy to stand in the unemployment line and fill out McDonalds applications like everyone else.  It’s getting to the point that I think President Obama needs to step in and issue an Executive Order.  Not only should we  not mortgage our children’s future with our debt but we also shouldn’t make them suffer from watching a man with PNS (Persistent Non-Acting Syndrome) go through an entire 2 hour movie with the same facial expression no matter what the situation.  I grew up watching Nicolas Cage non-act his way through a movie and I don’t think we should handicap our kids by making them have to suffer through what we did.

Don’t let the dark tone, swords or Ron Perlman appearance fool you (What bar did they drag him out of?)…Season of the Witch doesn’t look good.  Basically it looks like Bram Stoker’s Dracula meets Lord of the Rings meets Wolfman meets Van Helsing meets Kingdom of Heaven meets the fuckery of every Nicolas cage movie. First off, you can’t sell Nicolas Cage, who has a permanent 12 year old girl pouty face, as a great warrior much like you can’t sell Kirsten Dunst as a sexy aspiring actress named Mary Jane.  Nicolas Cage doesn’t strike fear into the heart of anyone other than people who really look forward to seeing a movie only to have it ruined by having Nicolas Cage’s name appear in the billing.  The only exception to this will probably be the movie “Kick Ass” but even then, there’s no doubt that the young actors in that movie will run circles around Cage’s limited abilities.  There’s a reason why in Face-Off John Travolta played the psychopathic, scary-as-fuck criminal for most of the movie while Cage played…well…a pussy.  Darkwing Duck comes off as more menacing and is at least 10 times more badass.  And no, giving Cage a sword and battle armor doesn’t change any of that (Cause he still looks like he’s about to cry at any moment). Notice…in a 2:13 trailer…you only get a handful of clips of Nicolas Cage.  Why?  Cause even the makers of this film know he’s bad.

Other reason this movie is bad is…well, fuck it.  It’s a Nicolas Cage movie.  Nothing else needs to be said.  If you spend money on this, you can’t be mad at the turd fest it turns into because…it’s a Nicolas Cage movie.  He’ll find some way of fucking it up.  Either it’ll be his hair piece or his pouty face or maybe he’ll do what he always does and slip into different accents for no fucking reason in a scene.  Now I’m not saying Cage doesn’t have good movies (The Rock, Gone in 60 Seconds, etc.) because he does…but even in those good movies…his non-acting is still evident.  And I can admit…I’m still a little salty about Next (WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT????).  I just think Cage should take a break from acting, maybe sell his island or castle (Yes…he has a fucking castle) and take up some other hobby/job that doesn’t put him in front of the camera.  Or maybe if he just has to still be on the big screen…let him be the stunt double for his non-acting doppelganger, Keanu Reeves.