I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.
– D.H. Lawrence
I avoided it as long as I could but I finally caved and read the profile piece on Helena Andrews whose memoir “Bitch Is the New Black” will be made into a film taking a satirical look at the struggles of successful young black women in the city. Seriously, I tried to avoid this piece like Tila Tequila avoids reality but the dark side was just too strong. If you haven’t read the profile, I can save you some trouble. Think “Sex in the City” but with black people (Obama effect???). Seriously though folks…again? We’re going to do this yet again? My biggest problem is that it seems to once again paint this bleak picture for black women when the truth is, this is just life. Seriously, when has finding a significant other been easy FOR ANYONE???? If anything this is more about women needing a serious reality check to snap them back to Earth and not some fictional fairytale. Honestly I read this:
In a series of essays, Andrews documents the lives of so many young black women who appear to have everything: looks, charm, Ivy League degrees, great jobs. Closets packed full of fabulous clothes; fabulous condos in fabulous gentrified neighborhoods; fabulous vacations, fabulous friends. And yet they are lonely: Their lives are repetitive, desperate and empty.
And immediately I said “Well son of a bitch…Welcome to my life”.
I mean hell, I’m almost 30. I’m single. I’m successful, have a great career, my own home, etc. You don’t see me getting flustered. Oh wait, I’m a man so it’s “easier” for me. Yeah right. In what universe? It’s like women have this asinine idea that men can just wake up and say “I think I’m gonna get in a serious relationship today”, roll out of bed, drink a cup of coffee and then propose to the first girl they meet on the street. Please. This relationship game is just as frustrating and confusing for us as it is for you. I’m always hearing women complaining about doing their best to find a man and striking out. I’m reminded of the quote “Losers always whine about doing their best, winners go home and fuck the prom queen.” Women spend an incredible amount of time in some kind of pathetic self-pity/self-loathing state where they moan and complain about not having a man but never really do anything to remedy that. You sit around all day gossiping about reality shows to escape from your own reality. You talk about the mistakes these other “fools” on TV make when you yourself do the same exact thing. Case in point, the story about “cornrows” in the profile:
Cornrows, she says, seems nice, but that is the problem. “He can put together coherent sentences, but they are not in any way related to my life,” she says. She laughs, but catches herself. She knows the man is trying hard. She also knows Cornrows doesn’t stand a chance.
“I’m a mean woman. I don’t date nice people. That’s why I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I will always have to settle.”
Staffer: “You need a man in your life. They come in handy for labor.”
Andrews: “He offered to help me move. That was nice.”
Lawyer: “He wasn’t nice to offer. He just wants to get with you.”
Andrews: “I don’t find him attractive. If he was funny, that would go a long way. He could be my winter boo. I need a boo. My life sucks. When your life sucks, a winter boo with his own apartment would be awesome to have.”
Winter boo? Really? You’re complaining about not having a long term solution in sight but here you’re considering a short term seasonal fling. In this day and age of instant gratification I think people are forgetting they have to put work into getting a good relationship. If “cornrows” or any other man for that matter can’t relate to you and your life, why are you dealing with him? It has nothing to do with not liking nice guys. He doesn’t relate to you. End of story. But no, please torture yourself some more by keeping him around as a “winter boo.” Do women hate themselves that much that they’ll sacrifice their own dignity just to have a warm body beside them during the winter months? Please. Turn the heat up and get an electric blanket. Infinitely more reliable and less mess to deal with.
Honestly, that part of the profile is what made me dismiss this whole idea without even reading the book. Here you have a self proclaimed successful woman who has a career, the degrees and the lifestyle she apparently wants…but because ONE thing in her life isn’t on the schedule she would like, her “life sucks.” Are you kidding me? This type of ridiculous self pity is wholly unattractive. No successful black man is going to be attracted to a woman who can’t even appreciate the great things going for her in her life (Hint: This could possibly be why you aren’t attracting them and why you are single). I guess I should chalk this up as one of the things men get that women don’t. Would I like to have a long term relationship leading to eventual marriage and kids? Of course. Will I let the fact that I’m nearing thirty and that hasn’t happened yet take away from the fact that my life overall has been great? Hell no. Why? Because that’s life. I deal with it.
Here’s the first problem men and women have with relationships. Its this bogus sense of entitlement. “I have a good job, my own money…I’m successful…why can’t I find someone.” Congratulations on not being a bum, that’s what you’re suppose to do. It’s like saying “But I’m a good parent” – Well asshole, you’re suppose to be. You don’t get a medal and a lifetime achievement award for being mediocre and doing the bare minimums in life. Also, there’s a false equivalency to being “successful” and having a good relationship. There are poor people who have nothing but the clothes on their back and the love for their significant others. There are successful men like Tiger Woods who can’t seem to connect with anyone in a meaningful relationship. Having what you need to be a productive member of society does not mean that you are all of the sudden entitled to a great relationship off the break. This isn’t some fantasy romance novel or artificially created video game world where getting a job, a house and success unlocks the “Good Black Man” achievement. It takes time, persistence and I can admit, a little luck. But that goes for everyone, men and women.
Andrews writes about what it is like for a young, black woman dating in D.C., trying to find a mate who seems ever elusive. The futile rituals are familiar: the dressing up, the eager cab ride over to the party, the hold-your-breath as you walk in, scanning the room quickly for any looks returned. The mantra sounding in the back of your head: “So-and-so found a man last year at a party like this. Maybe tonight is my night.”
And so we arrive at problem number two. Actually, it’s a two parter. First, you’re looking for a man at a party. Parties are probably the worse place to find a mate. Look at the ritual that goes into it. Both males and females go through some sort of satanic ritual of getting themselves made up to be something they aren’t. Parties are where people go to hide their flaws. You put your best outfit on, cake your face in makeup and pretend to be something you really aren’t. Yup, great place to meet a soulmate. Furthermore, most men don’t go to parties looking for a significant, meaningful relationship. Most men go to parties to cut up with their boys, drink and maybe find some chick to bone either that night or by the end of the following week. Trying to find potential at a party is like trying to find a condom in Lil Wayne’s crib: You might find one under the cushions of the couch but chances are, you’re ass out of luck.
The second part to this problem is thinking that just because someone else found a man at a party like this, that you would. Wondering why your friend found a man or got married and you didn’t is like wondering why some group of factory workers in Maine won the PowerBall and you didn’t. Going to a similar party because it worked for them is then like saying “Well I’ll just play the winning numbers from last week because they won last time.” What worked for someone else, might not work for you. In order to find out what works for YOU, you have to live YOUR life…not the life of your friends and certainly not the life of some imaginary people on TV. I’m convinced you can have more success at the grocery store, local book store, park or any other place where people go to enjoy being themselves. If you do the things you like to do outside of “going to parties” and “dancing”, you might find your Prince Charming sooner than you think. Of course this requires you to figure out what you like to do. Now if all you can think of is “dancing” an “going to parties”, well then “Houston we have a problem….”
The last problem men and women have with getting into a good relationship goes back to the initial problem I had with the profile. Andrews flatly states that she’s not attracted to “Cornrows”. Then why are you talking to him? If you think he’s a loser, why continue the charade? Not only do you risk bogging yourself down in a deadend relationship, but good black men do notice when you decide to forgo all logic and stick it out in a bad relationship. If you’re wondering why you can’t attract a good man then you need to consider that the vibes you give off are interpreted as you being attracted to losers. You’re not even 30 and you’re talking about settling? Really? That’s like giving up on life. Get real.
Finding a mate is hard, for everyone. Women are stressing out at 30 now because they’re “getting old.” But really, let’s look back in history. Women used to get married at 16…then 18…then 25…see a pattern here. As our society evolves so do social norms. Its not the end of the world to be single at 30. That crap about “biological clock is ticking” is bullshit in this day and age of medical discovery and we all know it. People are living longer and having kids later in life. The key is to remember that if you are truly successful then you have a great life and you should live it. Love will come eventually if you actually put the work in to find it. Sure it won’t be easy but nether were getting your degrees and career. You didn’t just roll out of bed and were handed an Ivy League degree and a decent salary. So why do you think finding love will be any different? You’re only lonely if you want to be lonely. If you really want to change that, get off your ass and go do it. Make the necessary changes in what you do to better your options. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. And right now I know a lot of insane people.
December 16th, 2009 at 3:06 pm
Get out of my head, Chuck…you beat me to the keyboard. I am SO over the pitiful black woman syndrome, and it offends me as a single, successful black woman who is over 35.
Thx. — Mgmt.
December 16th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
“Having what you need to be a productive member of society does not mean that you are all of the sudden entitled to a great relationship off the break.”<<<<POW.
Couldn't have put that any better. @TMDavis…ditto. As a (black) woman I am SO tired of these chicks writing these "how-to" and "why you can't" tirades and then being viewed as the "voice of the majoirty". And to add insult to injury, each time one of these pity-party manuals makes it to mainstream, they give birth to a new million-idiot march of "girl, she is so right" and "I'm glad it just aint me" women who feel like they are now vindicated for having blamed everyone but the one in the mirror for their current relationship status or lack thereof. Sadly though, until women (particularly women of color, sad to say) can stop having the "let me get this degree and buy this house so I can attract a good man" mentality and start doing those things for PERSOAL, self-gratifying gain, as opposed to superficial, temporary gain, this pathetic cycle that is an embarassment to women everywhere will continue because, when all is said and done, most men are not going to applaud you and worship the ground that you walk on for being 25+ with a degree and a place….why? Sorry to break it to you, but that's what you're SUPPOSED to have by now. Whether or not you like it, agree with it, or think it's "right" that people think this way, doesn't change the fact of what it is. No, I'm not judging women over 25 without a degree or calling then any less of a woman….all I'm saying is that if you are striving for goals and the only motivation lies soley on the fact that it might attract a "good man"……then you will STILL have a long way to go even after you get what you've strived for. I mean, take guys for example. Yes, there are still guys who buy "bling" and get that $80,000 car while still living at home to "impress the ladies." But, most respectable men strive for they want for one reason……themselves. And then, if it happens to attract a worthwhile woman (which it usually does) great. But most of the time, you seldom hear guys say things like "yo son, when I get this house, she will be BEGGING to marry me."….because they do for them and THEN worry about us. Not the other way around…..and those of us women that are not hip to that concept…need to get on board.
December 16th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Chuck, I thought you were gonna go all “fugg dese hoes” but you didn’t.
Seems at least the major news outlets don’t want to have a real discussion about this.
It’s soooo complicated it isn’t even funny, and until we can talk about the real issues everyone (but me it seems) will be unhappy and unwed.
There’s a lot to this but the number one reason why this chick and others aren’t in quality relationships yet is because successful people in general SUCK at relationships.
Why? Because they can do most things by themselves. They don’t need anyone for anything, and that attitude will KILL any relationship. They are used to being in charge, or at least aspire to be in charge. Not a man on earth is marrying a woman so she can boss him around. Unless by shotgun. And successful people always have an “out.” They don’t need a second check to make the mortgage, or someone to take care of the kids while they are at work.
That’s why these bougie chicks are all gossiping about “cornrows.” “Cornrows” has to be told how to act in the fancy restaurant. He has to be brought up to speed on politics. He’s another project to master like the ones she does for a living in her career. Secretly they LIKE that about Cornrows which is why they even entertained him in the first. The successful man wants no parts of a woman who flaunts the fact that she’s got everything she wants but a stiff dyck. If you got it all, why you need a man anyway?
(these chicks made me get on my soapbox….my bad)
*btw Same applies to men, only men aint bitching about “no good women available.” Not too many care whether their woman is a lawyer or lab-tec.
December 16th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Trust me, the first draft was “fugg dese hoes” but I calmed down
December 16th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I have a lot to say but won’t bother… but I did want to speak on one thing mentioned:
“Love will come eventually if you actually put the work in to find it. Sure it won’t be easy but nether were getting your degrees and career. You didn’t just roll out of bed and were handed an Ivy League degree and a decent salary. So why do you think finding love will be any different?”
See… the big thing with this is, when it comes to my education, my career, my finances, my home, my health,etc. those are things which I have total and complete control over. If they go bad, my fault. If they turn out good, my doing. If I succeed beyond my wildest dreams, it’s because I got out 100% of what I put in.
However, in a relationship, you require the input/output of another person whom you have zero control over (and don’t want control over just to be clear). No matter how much sex I give, how much I cook, how clean I keep my home, how well I take care of my body, how specifically I cater to his needs, how intelligent I am, how good I am with my/his children… or whatever else you can come up with… if he’s not ready. He’s not ready.
And baby… a lot of these dudes aint ready.
December 16th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Hella. On. Point.
Kim: I’d argue that you don’t have complete control over your education, career, finances, home, health. Education tends to correlate with the teachers/school/study groups you’ve been in. Career trajectory is often determined by higher ups in the organization or the market. Finances is up to you after you’ve paid Uncle Sam, and your fixed expenses. And your home, well, the bank/govt really owns your home (stop paying the mortgage or taxes on it and you’ll find out
). And health can be a function of ancestry.
What Kriss is espousing in the the quote you took from his post, in my humble opinion, is the well known saying (rephrased): “action doesn’t guarantee success, but inaction guarantees failure.”
December 16th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
“This isn’t some fantasy romance novel or artificially created video game world where getting a job, a house and success unlocks the “Good Black Man” achievement.” LOL. As a gamer, I was feeling that. As a gainfully employed black man with an advance degree, I got disabused of that notion QUICK when I discovered that I have to talk for mine like everybody else. And once I took responsibility, things got better.
I agree that folks need to take responsibility for what they want, and that it’s a numbers game. At the same time, women unfortunately don’t have the social permission to actively pursue men (initiate conversation, make plans at the end of the convo) they want(but yet the cultural permission to complain rather than do something about it) the same way we have the permission/obligation to pursue women . Some of it is fear of being seen as loose, easy, or unworthy of a long-term connection. Equally unfortunate is that most of those fears are unfounded. Women going after what they want unapologetically is not as rare or taboo as people think it is. I don’t know any dude who complains when women do make a move.
December 16th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
I agree that CLUBS are the worst places. Most people go to connect with the people they came in with. House parties are a little more relaxed…not as much psychosexual warfare in the atmosphere.
December 17th, 2009 at 12:57 am
hahaha! Thank you for calling out “Cornrows.” Honestly, the nickname was enough for me. And “winter boo?” That’s some high school shizz.
I have mixed feelings on this. She definitely has a valid point and she’s presenting the professional black woman which is cool, however…you wrote it. The hot mess is in the details.
December 17th, 2009 at 1:07 am
oH, and who the hell wants a self-proclaimed “mean woman.”
Not me.
I say, change up that entire game. Pronto.
December 17th, 2009 at 1:14 am
This is another illusion that keeps Black men and women in the cycle of crazy. There are good Black women and good Black men, but it’s all in how one goes about looking at relationships–that is the point. As a woman, I know that we do this thing when we approach 30. We think “time is running out” and we start dating anyone that comes our way. Or we just begin to accept the type of guys we attract and begin doing the sin of change (oh well, I can change him, yadda, yadda). I have broken out of that cycle though. Some things I don’t mind, but honestly, I date like a guy in that I don’t settle. If something doesn’t work for me, then I keep it moving. Because as much as I want a quality relationship, if I see that a man I’m dating is putting out all kinds of red flags, why continue? But most Black women do continue and then they wonder why they are unfulfilled.
And the worst part of Black women in the dating world is the superficiality. The fact that in the excerpt the women named dude “cornrows” goes back to the issue of looks. If a man looks a certain way, doesn’t have a certain type job or drive a certain car, etc, etc, then he’s not a good catch. That is the type of bullshit that keeps Black women (especially successful Black women) stuck. Sure, a man should have a job, should be self sufficient and more, but when the restriction begin to sound like a laundry list, then it’s time for these same women to check themselves and realize that they are more likely the problem…not anyone else.
December 17th, 2009 at 1:19 am
“Man’s love is of man’s life a thing apart, ‘Tis woman’s whole existence.”
-Lord Byron
(okay. I’m done commenting)
December 17th, 2009 at 2:36 am
@AS “not too many [men] care if their woman is a lawyer or a lab tech”. that is so true. men really want a woman who will do womanly things. All that independence stuff is great…for YOU. Most men, however, could care less about how much a woman makes b/c they don’t feel comfortable asking their woman for money. It’s all about what you can do to make the relationship work out; the things that money can’t buy.
December 18th, 2009 at 10:06 am
“men really want a woman who will do womanly things… It’s all about what you can do to make the relationship work out; the things that money can’t buy.”
To tell the truth, Acho, it’s all about the va-jay-jay… and sometimes money can buy that.
December 18th, 2009 at 10:35 am
@NewWorldOrder – I’d argue that you just want to argue.
I had control over my education because I chose a field that I was very interested in and I made school a priority.
My trajectory in my career is determined by my work ethnic, being open to different opportunities and my networking skills which I hone each and every day.
My finances are in order because I set a goal and didn’t veer from it. We all gotta pay Uncle Sam so what’s your point there?
I had control over my home in the aspect that I got one and I got exactly what I wanted at a more than affordable price because of the financial goals set.
January 19th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
I’m a smart, educated, successful (romantically & financially) American man raised in a two parent household. The women in this article and 95% of women that fall into this category are lying to themselves and the media for the real reasons they are failures in their goal to get married and have children. They need to look in the mirror and take responsibility of their failed relationships.
Why are these women constantly on TV, blogs, and print media making the same outrageous claims which include men being intimidated by their money, education, or intellect. As someone that has dated many of these so called successful (self defined and excl romance) women I can say that they’re very arrogant, controlling, argumentative, shallow, racist, and don’t have a clue about femininity. If a man led off on a date or article about how women should be flocking to marry him because of how much he earns, degrees he has, or how much smarter he is than everyone else then we would call that man a jerk. Since when did any of those qualities (I mean resume) really trump personality, upbringing, belief system, and compatibility? Anything else is just superficial which goes to the crux of why these women cannot find anyone in a world with BILLIONS of men. Now they’re forced to run this endless TV/newspaper/blog commercial advertising a 50 percent discount (and falling) to anyone that can survive a courtship and marry them. Marry me please, please… pitiful.
It’s as if they don’t know how to leave their work personalities at work. Those amongst them raised by independent mothers don’t have good reference points in terms of a mother showing them how to love and build a positive relationship with a man. It’s no surprise to me whatsoever that no man of any race wants to marry them, and if they do I’d be further surprised if that marriage lasted long-term. Marriage is a compromise… these women do not compromise. They should only marry men who are less successful, pushovers, earn less money; i.e., someone they can whip and control.
February 5th, 2010 at 2:32 pm
Ms. Andrews doesn’t really like herself. It’s in the Post article. If you don’t like you, no one else will.
February 19th, 2010 at 8:18 pm
I refused to read the article…but I loved your breakdown.
The sense of entitlement screams spoiled brat and she claims to mean anyway. I just cannot with that winter boo concept…seasonal flings? Are you 18 on Spring Break?
Another, perhaps rude, thing to consider is…perhaps you aren’t attractive enough to get that man you have placed on a pedestal to attain/obtain.
I’m just saying.
Anywho…I’m done. The desperate black woman meme is foolhardy in my opinion as well.