Rihanna is doing her promotional tour duties and hitting every media outlet before her new album drops. However, instead of talking about newest tracks, overproduction in the studio and autotune (because let’s all be honest, she cannot sing worth a damn), she’s talking about the night she got her ass beat in February. The whole Crihannagate rears its ugly head again. What bothers me most about this isn’t her timing (which can be viewed as suspect). It isn’t her supposedly no-holds-barred recount of the evening (which I’m sure conveniently leaves out her contribution to the fight heard round the world). My issue is with the lack of attention given to her role (yes, I said her role) in the abusive relationship.
We’re all taught that a victim is a victim is a victim, especially when it comes to women. If a man ever hits a woman, then he’s a bad guy. I’m sorry, but I’m about to put forth a notion that is not popular or progressive, but fundamentally honest. Some women push and push and push until the only thing left to do it hit them. Shocking! I know. I’m a woman and I feel this way. But, growing up I was taught that you don’t hit anyone, men included, and not expect to hit back. So while a man may be physically stronger, if I slap him in the face and he hits me back, why is he the only one in the wrong?
I don’t think Rihanna never hit Chris. I don’t think she never started shit with him. The nature of some (not all) abusive relationships is that both parties contribute. One may be more physical, but there is definitely something to be said about both partner’s role in the abuse. If Diane Sawyer and ABC news really wanted to do the story justice, then why not expose all the caveats of abuse? There have been numerous claims of her verbally and physically abusing him as well, but up until now, those have not been investigated. Why?
I happen to think this interview does abuse victims a disservice because it doesn’t get to the heart of the matter. Just like any other relationship, both parties have a role. If a man cheats, then he’s a dog. But, if his woman constantly accused him of cheating, constantly argued with him about his alleged affairs, and constantly kept him paying for imagined transgressions, then she’s still seen as the party done wrong when he cheats. Sure, his actions were wrong. No argument there. However, she helped play a major role in assuring that he would either cheat, leave or both. When someone points out the obvious way her actions contributed, they suddenly become the asshole who doesn’t get it.
I’ll gladly wear the asshole hat in this situation. I’m not defending Chris Brown. On the contrary, he should have received all that he got in court and he’s certainly still paying for it in the court of public opinion. I don’t have an affinity for men who hit women. As someone who actually graduated with a degree in women studies, the feminist perspective isn’t lost on me. But, moving forward with the notion of equality means just that…equal time and attention as both roles are examined. In this instance, her contributions of abuse are ignored as if they are not relevant because she’s a helpless woman. And as a society, we’re seemingly fine with that. How sympathetic would any of us have been if CB would have called the cops on Rihanna after a physical attack in which she was the aggressor? He’d be labeled a punk who couldn’t handle his woman. But, if the same situation happened where she was the aggressor, and he ended the situation by beating her ass, and she calls the cops, he’s the asshole who beat up his woman. Fair or not?
All female abuse victims aren’t boxing or going tit-for-tat with their dude. Many of them are in real danger everyday. My sentiment on this issue is in no way making light of that. The point is that if Rihanna wants to be this abuse survivor champion advocate speaking out against domestic violence and educating young girls, then she needs to be honest about her role in the situation. There are so many young girls out there thinking that they can hit a man and that’s cool. They think they can wound a man’s pride (this baby ain’t yours anyway punk) and that’s fine. But, when that man handles fire with fire, then it’s always him that’s labeled the bad egg.
Regardless of how you look at it, both of them were at fault and any interview that doesn’t address that isn’t worth watching. And, it certainly isn’t a reason to cry “poor Rihanna, the abuse victim.” Sorry, but like I said before…I’ll wear the asshole hat on this one.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:13 pm
THANK YOU!!!!! THATS ALL IVE BEEN TRYIN TO SAY TO PEOPLE!!!I AGREE 100%
November 6th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Haha…real feminist perspective. Oh brilliant
November 8th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
I absolutely agree!
http://justmarvy.blogspot.com/2009/11/this-blog-post-brought-to-you-by-caps.html
November 11th, 2009 at 8:25 am
The following commentary is titled “In response to the Misogynist Feminist.” A contradiction, you say? Well, so is the insulting gibberish you spouted above in the name of feminism.
I wish to God that my sister had not sent me this article. But she did, and I must comment. So I shall begin by answering one of your questions: “Growing up I was taught that you don’t hit anyone, men included, and not expect to hit back. So while a man may be physically stronger, if I slap him in the face and he hits me back, why is he the only one in the wrong?” As much of a “suburban feminist” as I may sometimes be at times, I am also too much of a woman (gasp! Radical, you say?) and I don’t get why you’re confused here. Among other reasons, BECAUSE HE’S PHYSICALLY STRONGER THAN YOU!!!! Domestic violence is not a situation of I slapped a man in the face; it is a situation where a woman was ABUSED by a man. Sexually, physically, etc. Are you kidding me?! Are you that narrow-minded? Have you drunk the Kool-Aid so much that you just Uncle Tom your way through life now? Don’t mix the situation of “I push you so you pushed me back” with a significant majority of cases where the woman is battered and bruised to the extent she’s damn near unrecognizable, left in the streets and has to be rushed to the hospital. SO WHAT IF RIHANNA HIT HIM FIRST? (Which is not confirmed and is COMPLETELY irrelevant). You saw those pictures and you KNOW what happened to Rihanna. My God, you’re so far gone, you don’t even know it. You actually say in your article that “The nature of some (not all) abusive relationships is that both parties contribute” and you want to know why “here have been numerous claims of [Rihanna] verbally and physically abusing [Chris Brown] as well, but up until now, those have not been investigated.” Do you want to know why? It is because doing so is called “BLAMING THE VICTIM” and that no matter what the victim did to her abuser, he BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HER!!!
Your article had me seeing red. You sound just like a victim who has internalized her abuse and who justified the abuse because it was the only logical coping mechanism. You throw in some b.s. about a woman driving a man to cheat and she dares complain… UHM? REALLY? Switch that around too. A man isn’t a good emotional provider/he isn’t a good provider/he sucks in bed/ a woman is simply not happy in her relationship- does that justify cheating? Cheating cannot be justified, PERIOD. Your entire article makes me simply wonder the types of relationship in which you are. Do you get cheated on? Do you get the sh*t beaten out of you? Let me guess- it’s because you drove him to it and because he was fed up? Right? Please don’t ever wear a short skirt and low-cut blouse to a frat house kegger. Hell, please don’t get drunk at a frat-house kegger. Because in the event you do get raped… Well! You were asking for it!
I beg you to spare me the bullsh*t about your feminism. What is this? An ominous preview of yet another wave of feminism? The ninth wave? Your article is everything wrong with the entitled breed of females in existence today, who forget EVERYTHING that has been done for them by their crusading predecessors. You coast along, you shuck and jive with massa (in black face)… Oh and look! You justify the above by saying that you obtained an undergraduate major in women’s studies- I’m guessing you graduated with honors too?!! Ah- the “I’m not a racist; I have a black friend” justification.
You spit in the face of all the work done for women’s rights and eradicating domestic violence. I have seen so many women AND men come into my office begging for help from their abusers. I have seen women cowering from fear (throwing up in fear!) in courtrooms as I stood in front of judges asking for help. I have seen these women go back to their abusers because they thought they would be killed if they followed through with their search for help!!!!! HOW DARE YOU! I have been threatened by so many men who feel that I was standing in the way of them “[teaching their women a lesson]”… Your flippancy in addressing DOMESTIC VIOLENCE makes my stomach churn. You go on to say, “All female abuse victims aren’t boxing or going tit-for-tat with their dude. Many of them are in real danger everyday.” Many of the female abuse victims are in real danger? Try a SIGNIFICANT MAJORITY! And then you laughably say “My sentiment on this issue is in no way making light of that. The point is that if Rihanna wants to be this abuse survivor champion advocate speaking out against domestic violence and educating young girls, then she needs to be honest about her role in the situation.” Yes, you are making light of the situation, and I hope to God, the heavens, whomever, that YOU never ever get near young girls in a veiled attempt to speak out against domestic violence. What do you want Rihanna to say? “I got battered, my abuser left me alone bloodied and bruised, but I started it because I pushed and pushed and there was nothing left to do but for him to beat me to an inch of my life. Yes he has admitted the horror of what he did and the justice system has punished him accordingly, but I caused it. Let me be a reminder to you girls that if you shove a man, expect him to try to kill you.”
You, my dear, are a moron.
Your article is so disturbing and you probably will never get it. But I had to comment to remind you that women are still fighting for every inch of civil rights we obtain and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE remains intolerable in all its forms. Articles like yours only set back our cause. Get some education, and then speak.
As a black woman, and a REAL FEMINIST, you embarrass me.
November 11th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Wow…a lot of hostility went into the most recent comment. Well written critique, but I don’t agree with it. Sure, many women are victims of domestic violence and they do not cause it, nor do they enjoy it. HOWEVER, the sentiment that I do agree with is many young girls have this idea of the “bad boy” and the turbulent relationship that comes with being involved with one. A lot of those same girls (whom I counsel) saw this situation and immediately felt like it was Rihanna’s fault. Well, again I disagree. So we had a roundtable discussion about it to see why they felt that way. I was appalled at their thoughts.
Many of them thought “oh a little push here and there isn’t a bad thing.” They felt that if they pushed a guy and he pushed back that it was okay. They figured “if I get mad at him, I can hit him.” And they figured, “if he gets mad at me and hits me, I will just call the cops.” In their minds, it added to the whole “bad boy” experience. It was absolutely frightening to see how many of the girls in the group felt that same way or similarly.
I don’t care what you or anyone else says, hitting people is NOT okay. And that’s the issue. An overwhelming majority of domestic violence victims who are women do not ask for it. They aren’t hitting their spouse or significant other in attempts to have a fight. But, the notion that women who hit their spouse (an attempts to initiate conflict or deal with conflict) do not contribute to the cycle of domestic violence is completely ridiculous. Did they deserve to be beaten up, put in the hospital or killed behind it? Absolutely not. I agree with that. But, again…don’t expect to hit someone and then be able to walk away. That is an unrealistic expectation. And the sooner we teach our young ladies that violence under ANY circumstances is not okay, the better. That is the point. Sorry if YOU don’t get that.
November 12th, 2009 at 8:37 am
Not to beat this argument to death (heh), but I actually don’t have a problem with you making this point. It’s just bothersome that you chose Rihanna’s case as a platform. What makes it unique, really? Taking an objective view, Rihanna is actually a rather boring, usual example of domestic violence. Except she’s a celebrity and there are rumors she hit him, etc. Aside from these, nothing to see here. And yet, people like you choose to seize on the rumors (because really, do you know her on a personal basis) to trivialize her case by bringing up this “women, don’t hit men first” argument over and over again. It’s pure girl-on-girl crime. Ask yourself: What publicized domestic violence case needs to happen for you to just say “yeah, that’s wrong”? One where it isn’t some chick you probably don’t care for, and one where there are no rumors?
There is a time and place for any point one wishes to make. For instance, one can use the crazy Hofstra non-rape case to make the point that women need to not cry wolf all the damn time. But what you’ve done here is, someone gets raped, a few rumors start circulating (hard to tell if they are true or not), and you then make the point, “women, don’t cry wolf”. It’s wrong to use this as a platform for this point, because you cannot confirm anything.
The issue isn’t, “don’t make this point”, no, the issue is, “don’t tie this SPECIFIC case to your point.” Because it then makes you appear like a domestic violence apologist and for people like me who are against domestic violence, we then find your article absolutely bothersome and damaging.
November 12th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I agree that using Rihanna’s case as the example or foundation for the platform to prove this point may have not been the best decision because of the fact that a lot of what is public knowledge about this case as far as the part Rihanna played in the whole incident (other than the victim) is pure speculation and assumption. However, I DO agree with the point that violence is violence whether it be a man against a woman OR vice versa and either case is equally wrong. Not that anyone other than the two people who were in the car at the time (Rihanna and Chris) know or will ever know for sure if she did in fact put her hands on him first, but, I also agree with the “you shouldn’t hit people and expect not to be hit back” notion…..not because if a woman hits a man, then she “deserves” to be abused but rather because it should never be taught or expected that it is ok to hit another person, regardless of the gender(s) involved, and then cry “victim” when they do to you what you just did to them. Clearly, in this case, even if she did hit him first, he did a lot more to her than “what she did to him”, which, to me, is what makes it wrong more so than the fact that it was a man hitting a woman. In other words, if the scenario were such that Rihanna punched CB in the nose and broke his nose, and then CB punched Rihanna in the nose and broke HER nose, I would feel like they equally “abused” each other and not that he was wrong for hitting her because she was a woman. Just my take.
November 13th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Mzlogic…I completely agree.
July 28th, 2010 at 6:12 pm
You obviously have no understanding of the complexities of abusive relationships. There is nothing wrong in being ignorant of facts, but let ME be the asshole here….you are indeed extremely ignorant.