Now that I have my own house, I’ve become obsessed with preparing for the eventual apocalypse due to either zombies, vampires, killer death machines, asteroids, alien invasion or some other doomsday event.  Yes, I know, it sounds a little crazy but is it any more crazier than when Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff told everyone they could prepare for a chemical or biological attack by using trash bags and duct tape?  Let’s keep it real.  You can’t call me crazy for preparing myself for the eventual end of the world as we know it due to brain eating zombies or aliens who want to use our world for resources and slaves, when a good portion of our society ran out and bought trash bags and duct tape because they thought it would protect them from anthrax.

Anyway, part of any good Apocalypse Disaster Preparedness Plan should be not only what weapons and supplies you need but also the company you keep.  Hang around the wrong people and chances are, you’ll be zombie food (or even alien food).  Luckily, there’s a certain segment of our society that has plenty of experience preparing for Doomsday:  Actors and actresses.  Yeah, laugh it up…but these men and women face demonic hordes and toaster ovens turned deadly death machines every 8 – 10 months.  Thus, when “shit gets real” I plan on finding these people to ensure my survival.
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Morgan Freeman
Reason He’s in My Posse:
Whenever disaster strikes, you’re going to need an emotional leader.  Someone who can offer you hope when the truth is bleak.  Originally I thought about Sam Jackson but then I remember after that awesome “Rally the Troops” speech he gave in Deep Blue Sea, his ass was eaten by a 8 ton mako shark.  Freeman on the other hand, has been the fictitious President of two separate countries in two separate movies.  First, he played President Beck in Deep Impact and was able to give a speech calming people the fuck down after half the Atlantic coast has been wiped out from a meteor fragment.  Then this year he’s playing Nelson Mandela in Invictus.  I’ll say it again.  He’s playing Nelson Mandela.  Oh yeah…almost forgot.  He also played this other character:  God.  Yes…Morgan Freeman played God.  I rest my case.  Freeman has that calming voice that even when he’s cussing your ass out, you kinda just smile, nod and say “Yes Sir”.  Now I know what you’re thinking.  Why use a fictitious President instead of using the real life Mr. Calm & Cool, Barack Obama himself?  Well, while I want my President to negotiate with our human enemies, I’m not sure I want a President that wants to find a common ground with zombies, Aliens or killer robots.
Memorable Moment:
In one of the last scenes in Wanted, Freeman shakes off the “loveable Grandpa” vibe he has portrayed all his life when he says “Otherwise…shoot this motherfucker”

Ving Rhames or Jim Brown
Reason They Are in My Posse:
Do I really need to explain myself?  Every posse needs an enforcer and who better than Ving Rhames or Jim Brown?  While I would like to have both in my posse, I realize I can’t be selfish and if I was to have both, the survivability rate for any other group would drop to zero.  Honestly, its almost as if I’m playing some RPG where I’d pick Ving Rhames as my long range guy when I need someone who will bust a cap in some zombie’s ass or Jim Brown if I want the up and in your face tank that causes massive physical damage.  I thought about including Michael Clark Duncan but he comes off as more of a “Big Baby” and that’s not someone I need watching my back when the killer robots attack.
Memorable Moment:
Ving Rhames – Any of his “WTF these white folks about to get us killed” faces from any of his movies
Jim Brown  - Punching out aliens in Mars Attacks!

Will Smith
Reason I Want Him in My Posse:
Aside from being the closest thing we black folk have to a black superhero, Will Smith has simply done it all.  He’s taken on alien invaders (Men In Black, Men In Black II, Independence Day), zombie/vampire things (I Am Legend), killer robots (IRobot) and even a giant robot spider (Wild Wild West).  Think that’s a lot?  Well, hold on…there’s more.  Let’s dig deeper into his resume.  He’s punched out an alien ala Jim Brown.  He’s immune to the zombie disease.  He destroyed a killer robot spider.  And oh…did I mention he has had a part cyborg arm????  Yeah I know.  Right now you’re saying “Holy Fuck…Will Smith is awesome.”  Yes, I know…hence why I’m rolling with him when the apocalypse hits.
Memorable Moment:
Yeah…ummm…did you read what the fuck I wrote up above???

Jon Voight
Reason They Are in My Posse:
I know what you’re thinking.  Jon Voight is a right wing nutcase, why the hell would you want him in your posse?  You’re right.  Jon Voight is crazy.  I’m convinced that he wasn’t acting during the last season of 24 and really thought he was head of a defense contractor hell bent on “serving his country” by launching biological weapons into the White House.  It wasn’t until after filming stopped that they told him it was all just for the show, in which Voight stormed out of the Fox producers offices mad that they took him away from his important work of world domination.  It is for this very reason I want Voight close to me.  I’m certain this fucker has the blueprints to the DeathStar, the keys to Area 51, access to the antidote to the virus turning normal soccer mom’s into blood thirsty zombies or some other inside knowledge on a Doomsday scenario survival plan that only rich conservative white folks have.  It’s the mantra that I live by:  “Keep your friends close and the old white rich conservative douchebag guy closer”.
Memorable Moment:
That look this mofo gives the camera when you know he’s up to something.

Angelina Jolie
Reason I Want Her in My Posse:
First off, she’s a sensible woman and yet her father is Jon Voight(see above).  If she was able to survive in that kind of household, then the end of the world as we know it should be breeze for her.  She’s also played Lara Croft, every male video gamers’ wet dream.  Seriously, guns and big breasts?  Sign me up.  Also, she adopts black babies so that means if I need to impregnate her (Solely for the sake of keeping the human race alive of course) she shouldn’t have too big of an issue having my baby.  If for some reason as a man you can’t find her attractive (i.e. you’re probably gay) then you can always use her to get Brad Pitt cause even Brad knows not to leave her by herself for too long.
Memorable Moment:
Watch her fight with Brad Pitt in Mr. and Mrs. Smith again and you’ll see that not only did Jennifer Aniston not have a chance, but neither do robots, aliens, zombies or any man without the stamina of a cyborg in the sack.

Sigourney Weaver
Reason I Want Her in My Posse:
Sigourney Weaver is the trailblazing white woman that broke the stereotype that white women can’t hold their own when fighting aliens, monsters or psychopaths in hockey masks with really big machetes.  Seriously, without Weaver’s Ripley, there’s no Sarah Conner (Hence why she’s here and not Linda Hamilton…although Hamilton is a good backup).
Memorable Moment:
Fighting the alien queen in a giant exosuit cargo-loader followed closely by taking a swan dive into molten metal…although the latter was probably because Alien 3 sucked that much.

Bruce Campbell
Reason I Want Him in My Posse:
If you’re asking yourself “Who the fuck is Bruce Campbell?”, chances are, you’re already fodder for the undead so it doesn’t really matter.  For those who know the awesomeness of Bruce Campbell, you already know why he’s on this list.  Inevitably there will come a time when we are pinned down, surrounded by the undead, running low on ammo and quickly realizing that our time might be up.  That’s when Bruce Campbell will show up, seemingly back from the dead, with a shotgun in one hand and a chainsaw attached to the other, where he will proceed to kick ass because apparently he ran out of bubble gum.
Memorable Moment:

“Alright you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This… is my boomstick! The twelve-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart’s top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That’s right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about a hundred and nine, ninety five. It’s got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. That’s right. Shop smart. Shop S-Mart. You got that?”

Nuff Said!

William Shatner
Reason I Want Him in My Posse:
I’ll be blunt.  If facing an alien invasion, someone’s gonna have to fuck the green alien bitches and we know, William Shatner…aka Captain James T. Kirk doesn’t say no to green pussy.  You might think “But Kriss, that’s Captain Kirk, not William Shatner”.  True, but the way Shatner has whored himself out to Priceline and anyone else offering up a buck, I like to think that if the choice came down to saving the planet or fucking some green alien bitches, Shatner would ask for a “blue diamond” then get it in.
Memorable Moment:
The fact that he’s still employed is absolutely amazing.

Random White Chick, Preferably a Virgin
Reason They Are in My Posse:
Her death could buy us an extra 10 minutes.
Memorable Moment:

“Did anyone hear that noise?  I’m gonna go check it out while wearing my see through nightgown and high heels”

Kiefer Sutherland
Reason I Want Him In My Posse:
Not only hasn’t there been a terrorist attack on United States soil since Sutherland started playing Jack Bauer, but there also hasn’t been an outbreak of zombies, killer machines or invasion by an alien race.  I’m actually convince the TV show 24 is actually a CIA program with the sole purpose of beaming Jack Bauer into outerspace so that alien invaders have to think long and hard if they really want to invade a planet that is home to a guy whose daily routine is to inflict massive trauma to enemies of the State.
Memorable Moment:
Just in case you thought Jack Bauer was a fictional character, Kiefer Sutherland landed in some trouble earlier this year when he head-butted and broke the nose of Jack McCollough after McCollough accidentally bumped into Brooke Shields.    At least that’s the official story.  What probably happened was Sutherland tortured McCollough for 8 hours to give up the location of a terrorist cell.