I believe that for any relationship to work, both parties need to be open and honest with each other.  And that means with everything.  For instance, one day I sat my girlfriend down and told her I had something very serious to talk to her about.  I looked her in her eyes and told her very seriously that in my Zombie Apocalypse Plan, if she moved too slow, I would leave her ass. Of course she thought I was joking, until she came down with a “Mysterious Illness” and I started demanding that she not make any sudden movements or I would view them as “Acts of aggression by a zombie.”  I’m just saying, you can never be too careful.  For all I know, she’s “Patient Zero”.

Okay, I admit it, I’ve watched one too many Sci-Fi movies.  Blame it on my parents.  They let me watch Sci-Fi movies at a tender young age so now I can’t walk into a building without wondering “How well does this place hold up if Zombies attack” and plotting out escape routes just in case the living dead decide to make an appearance.  Weird yes, but somehow in my mind, very very practical.

Anyway, one thing that I’ve always found very interesting in watching Sci-Fi movies is the way relationships between men and women are handled.  It always seems that in the middle of some major catastrophe, people in relationships lose their basic instinct towards personal survival.  I mean lets be serious, its one thing to run back into a burning building to save your girlfriend, its another to run into a burning building being attacked by a fire breathing dragon to save a girlfriend who told you she wanted to break up with you earlier that morning.  Obviously I’m not the guy you want to date when aliens invade, zombies attack or Mother Nature decides “Screw these humans, I’m taking these bastards out.”  Here are some examples of how I would have reacted to certain situations in some popular Sci-Fi movies.

The Mummy
“In an attempt to outdo Indiana Jones in the category of librarians/museum curators/College Professor that save the world, Evelyn and her brother Jonathan team up with Rick O’Connell  to go to Egypt, unleash a mummy, save the world and prove once again that white people with too much money and time on their hands will lead to (or almost lead to) Armageddon and the destruction of the human race”

Scenario:
“Look at me walking around Egypt with barely any clothes on and my nipples teasing any man watching this movie.  Oh what’s this?  The Book of the Dead?  Let me read from it” – Dumbass white chick that unleashed hell on earth that essentially lasted for 2 gotdamn movies….

What Boyfriend Kriss would have done:
Who the hell reads from the book of the dead?   It’s called “The Book of the Dead”.  It’s not JK Rowlings latest Harry Potter book, Harry Potter and the Book of the Dead.   The book was buried with a guy who was buried alive and tried to claw his way out.  And your dumbass wants to read from it?  I know October is Domestic Violence Awareness month but this falls under one of the “Bitch is bout to catch an ass whooping tonight” clauses.  I would have punched Evelyn dead in her throat then told that bitch to put some real clothes on (What the hell you walking around in see through linen for in the dessert?).  And there would be no way I was going after her when Imhotep snatched her up.  Fuck that.  Remember, not only did her idiocy result in waking a power hungry mummy but one that, due to 2000 years of confinement, was apparently extremely horny.  Yes you got that right.  Just for stupidity I’d leave her to be groped up by ole Dusty.  And don’t look at me like that.  This bitch not only resurrected a murderous super powerful mummy hellbent on world domination but she also resurrected Brendan Fraser’s career (I thought for sure that George of the Jungle killed it).  And while we’ve been able to get rid of Imhotep, Fraser is still lurking Hollywood lots.  I can forgive being enslaved by a mummy but not the fact that due to her actions Fraser’s career survived long enough for him to be in G.I. Joe.

Dawn of the Dead
“Every person’s fear.  You wake up next to your love one only to find the neighbor’s child is making a snack out of him and turns him into a zombie. Anyway, long story short, survivors end up holing up in a mall and later escape in a bus converted to something that would make Mad Max proud.”

Scenario:
Petty criminal Andre becomes delusional when his pregnant girlfriend Luda turns into a zombie and still thinks they can be a family.

What Kriss would have done:
This is really easy.  I would have said a little prayer then calmly put two in her dome and then raided the mall liquor store.   I understand that might seem a little crass but that’s only because you probably don’t have a proper Zombie Apocalypse plan.  According to my completely made up stats from the Department of Homeland Security, only 1% of the population has a proper Zombie Survival Plan.  This means that 99% of the rest of the world will either be zombie food or zombies themselves.  I won’t go into all the details of my plan (That’s personal) but I will say that I have a strict, “When you become a zombie, the relationship is over” rule.  Because I love you, I’ll make sure it’s quick and painless.

The Happening
“M Night Shyamalan proves once again why we should never trust him with making R rated movies by trying to scare us with bees, trees, leaves and the gotdamn wind.”

Scenario:
John Leguizamo’s character, living up to the fact that none of John’s characters are ever the brightest bulbs in the pack, leaves his daughter to go find his wife by hitching a ride with a group of people in a Jeep….with a cloth top.  Did I mention by now everyone knows the “epidemic” is airborne. What could possibly go wrong?

What Husband and Father Kriss Would Have Done
First and foremost I’m not leaving my daughter with any of the Wahlbergs.  Donnie Walhberg looks like he likes little girls and I don’t mean in the platonic, Disney movie, older brother way.  I actually have a conspiracy theory that they pulled new episodes of To Catch a Predator cause they “Caught a Wahlberg”.  And Mark Wahlberg, with that temper, probably beats women.  I’m just saying.  Anyway, listen, if there are 3 of us in the family and 2 of us are together…I’m not about to risk breaking that up.  I’m not going to leave my daughter and try a hopeless, suicide mission to New Jersey (Fucking New Jersey?  If the wind didn’t get her the gangs did) to find my wife who, from the information gathered, has probably committed suicide…likely by watching Shyamalan’s Lady in the Water with subtitles turned on. *Shudders* No one should have to go out like that….

Troy
“Fresh off of playing a bad ass in Lord of the Rings, Orlando Bloom plays Paris the youngest of two sons of Troy’s king. Turns out that makes him the biggest bitch in Troy.  Paris steals Menealaus’s wife Helen to be his own, which only starts a massive war, gets Paris embarrassed, gets his brother Hector killed (not before getting his asswhooped) and results in the fall of Troy. Honestly…read the book. Shit was horrible, mainly cause after playing Legolas, I just started viewing Orlando Bloom as being masculine only to have that image quickly destroyed. Best part of the movie is Brad Pitt being Brad Pitt (think Tyler Durden genetically combined with Maximus Decimus Meridius).”

Scenario:
Clearly not the warrior, Paris decides to face Menalaus for the right to Helen’s hand and to avoid massive war.  The result is him having to literally crawl back to his brother Hector who saves his life by killing Menalaus but it is the beginning of the end for Troy.

What Kriss “The Dude Trying to Holla at You” would do
Listen, I like you.  I really do.  But if your boyfriend/husband/”Dat Nigga You Fucking With” is bigger, stronger and packs more heat than I do…Imma need you to step the fuck up yourself and tell him you don’t want to be with him no more.  Sure at the end of the day Paris gets the girl, but he loses his brother (Who had a wife and son by the way), his father and his gotdamn land.  I’m sorry but I’m not going broke and losing my family over no chick.  I don’t care if the Goddess Athena gave her the golden vagina or not.

The Matrix
“No one can be told what the Matrix is….no seriously.  After Revolutions we don’t know what the fuck the Matrix was.  What do you expect?  We stole this idea from some black chick.” – The Wachowski Brothers

Scenario
A “Sexy” Carrie-Anne Moss aka “Trinity” convinces Neo that he is “The One” and must save humanity by destroying the Matrix

What Neo Kriss would do
There were obviously some scenes missing from the Matrix.  Most obviously was the one where Mr. Anderson, aka Neo, got drunk and saw Carrie-Anne Moss in leather as sexy.  Apparently “beer goggles” isn’t a glitch in the Matrix (Unlike the illusion that Keanu Reaves can act).  Listen here.  You gotta be waaaaay cuter and have waaaaaaaay more body than Carrie-Anne Moss to make me fuck up my life, virtual or not.  Moss has ass like Sponge Bob AND because we’re out of the Matrix we gotta have sex with all those sockets and shit on our bodies?  GTFOH.  Seriously, Carrie-Anne Moss might be one of the few chicks that actually makes my dick soft after seeing her in all black leather.  I just don’t get the the sex appeal, just like when the skeleton known as Calista Flockhart was listed as a “sex symbol.”  Anyway, I’m with Cypher on this one.  Give me the imaginary life over the one where I live in a cave, eat slop, have killer machines coming after me and as far as we know, Arnold Swarchenegger doesn’t exit (In my ‘Deadly Machine/Robot Apocalypse Plan’ the top of my list is to find where Arnold is stashed at.). Not to mention the sex is like having sex with a toaster cause I have to make sure I align my sockets up with yours so we don’t rip each other’s flesh off.  Nope, virtual sex is just right for me.  I’d snitch on Morpheus in a heart beat.  “Hello?  Agent Smith?  Yeah, the bald headed nigga with them funky ass glasses & the allagator  skinned trench coat.  Also that bitch with NoAssAtAll.  Get both of them.  Now…when I get back in, can you make sure Halle Berry is single and wants my cock?  Thanks”

28 Weeks Later
“28 weeks after the original outbreak in Great Britain, the government decides that 7 months is long enough to wait before sending people back in to areas once infected by zombies. What the fuck could possibly be wrong with that?”

Scenario:
Whites kids run out of the safe zone because that’s what white kids do.  They’re rebels.  Signs that say “Biohazard So You Little White Bastards Stay Outta Here Okay” are simply suggestions to them.  The kids go back to their home (because the nice high rise they are in is too boring) and come across their mother who they thought was killed by zombies.  Long story short, zombie mom gets locked into an Omega level 20 security system(yes I made that up), dad gains unauthorized access to cell because he felt guilty for leaving her and tries to kiss her, starting yet another zombie outbreak. Of course this outbreak is worse and by the end of the movie makes it to mainland Europe thereby ensuring the destruction of the human race as we know it.

What Kriss the Father of two dumbass kids and husband would do
Don started this off right.  Mofos let some random kid into the house, zombies attacked, he balled out…his wife didn’t keep up.  Refusing to leave someone else’s kid isn’t in the Zombie Apocalypse Survival plan.  She knew that and decided to ignore it.  She’s an adult she can make her own decisions.  However, that good judgment aside, Don fails miserably twice after that.  First off, if it were my kids, I would have whooped my kids asses.  28 weeks later would have been the name of the movie chronically the journey of a father who went to jail for 4 months after beating his kids for 3 months straight after they left the safe zone endangering the entire world with another zombie apocalypse.  The second thing is, okay listen…maybe…MAYBE…I break in to see my wife…through the safety of 4 foot thick doors and security glass.  But I’m not ignoring the armed guard to go in there and give that human flesh eating bitch a hug and a kiss.  I don’t care how blue your balls are.  Even Imotep said “Screw the dead pussy, I want that warm gushy stuff”.   I don’t care what’s going on I’m not fucking no zombie pussy.  No no NO!!!  Zombie pussy means zombie STDs and really, AIDS and Herpes is enough people.