The other day a friend of mine on Twitter was tweeting out “things guy ‘friends’ say that invoke the *side eye*”.¬† She was talking about subtle (or in some cases not so subtle) sexual advances or “awkward” comments her guy friends have made to her.¬† I replied that I thought it was common knowledge that most men do not have very many female friends that they a) haven’t slept with b) aren’t trying to sleep with or c) wouldn’t sleep with if given the opportunity.¬† After getting some responses back about that comment I decided I should break down non-romantic male-female friendships.¬† But before I do that, I want to first define what I mean by “friend” because in today’s world of social media and social networks, the word “friend” has taken a more broad meaning.¬† In my view, a true friend is a dependable person who you have an intimate, non-sexual, non-romantic relationship with.¬† The key word here is “DEPENDABLE”.¬† This is the person that will ride for you when you need them to.¬† You’ve seen them at their worse and they’ve seen you at your worse.¬† I fully believe that the average person at the most has 20 real friends (and that’s a lot in my book).¬† Everyone outside of that is an acquaintance.
Okay, now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about male-female friendship relations.¬† As I said above, most men (note, I’m not saying ALL men) do not have a bunch of female friends that they have not slept with, have not at some point tried to sleep with or will not at some point in the future try to sleep with.¬† Let’s be honest, just off of natural instinct alone, men are going to talk to women they find attractive in one way or the other.¬† This is simply the “Law of the Jungle”.¬† No one, man or female is going to hang around or talk to a bunch of people they find unattractive or ugly. ¬†So its only natural that the friendship between men and women is in some respect based on an sexual attraction. With an already existing underlying current of sexual attraction, the intimacy of a true friendship is bound to at some point cause a man to cross the line. ¬†Even if he does not cross the line, he most certainly will test the boundaries.
There are basically 4 main types (Plus 2 others that I’ve included even though I don’t see them as whole new types) of non-romantic male-female friendships.
- Non-blood family – Okay, this is the most overly claimed type of friendship between men and women and I can truthfully say 90% of the time, it’s completely bogus. In order for this to be legit both parties have to view this relationship as if they are literally blood relatives.¬† The key here is BOTH parties.¬† Ladies, what I mean is, you cannot claim that a guy is “Like a brother” to you, if that same guy does not feel that you are “Like a sister” to him.¬† Just because you view him as close as immediate family, doesn’t mean he doesn’t view you more as a cousin, three times removed (one time removed if in West Virginia).¬† Here’s an easy test to see if your friendship is really at the “damn near family” level.¬† Ask yourself:¬† “If I was to accidentally send him a picture of myself naked, would he…”
- The Ugly Duckling – This is a bit of a misnomer.¬† I’m not saying that the woman is necessarily some ugly beast like Meg from Family Guy or Fergie (Props to the graphics artist in that Comcast commercial for making her look like a human being).¬† Just like the story of the Ugly Duckling, the woman might be beautiful, just not attractive to the guy. A woman might be 120 lbs, and look like a supermodel.¬† But maybe the guy friend is only sexually interested in women who are 6’3, 200lbs (This is one of those “I’ll knock it before I try it” things).¬† Another example is maybe he started to get to know the woman but realized that her personality just was not going to be very compatible to his and that being friends is better.¬† Since she’s not his type, rarely will he pursue any kind of relationship with her.¬† That said, liquor and the lack of available women who fit his type could lead to a man to maybe consider a one night stand to relieve some “stress”.¬† This is particularly true if the only reason he won’t pursue the woman is that he has made the determination that the two of them have conflicting personalities.¬† If he still finds her physically attractive…at some point, he might make an attempt to see how far he can get.
- The Gay Guy – This is pretty straight forward (No pun intended).¬† I will say though, that reading what a friend said on Twitter, apparently gay guys are not necessarily exempt from trying to get a taste of the love taco.¬† All I’m saying here is keep an eye on “gay” friends that are bi or those that do not view seeing pictures of naked women like they just watched 2 Girls 1 Cup. *Edit* Because of the recent increase in sensitivity to homophobic statements I must say that I am kidding. ¬†I know that a gay guy is not going to run away screaming after seeing a picture of a naked woman. ¬†It’s a joke. *End Edit*
- The Genghis Khan – I was originally going to call this type the “Faux Friendship” but I felt that it had a negative connotation that really did not do this type justice.¬† This type of friendship is basically when a man starts with what appears to be a straight platonic friendship.¬† He listens, he’s nice, he’s a gentleman and he never tries anything…at first.¬† The truth is he is trying to get around a woman’s preconceived notions, defenses and inhibitions.¬† I call this the Genghis Khan because it is the psychological equivalent of Khan’s feigned retreat military strategy. ¬†A man might start off coming at you like he would a woman he is just trying to date but due to either an initial rebuff you or other factors (i.e. You already have a man) he backs off and feigns like he’s only interested in a friendship.¬† Don’t confuse this type with the clumsy attempt by some idiot using the “I just want your number so we can be friends” line after you tell him you have a man.¬† The Genghis Khan is way smoother than that and truth be told women usually don’t recognize it when it first happens.¬† I feel as if the majority of male-female relationships fall into this type.¬† Now this type can be broken down even further into two categories:¬† The Double Agent and The Anakin Skywalker.
- The Double Agent
The Double Agent is just what it sounds like.¬† This is a guy who you count as one of your most reliable man friends. He’s always there for you.¬† If you need him to fix a flat tire, you know you can call him and he’ll drop what he is doing to come to your aid.¬† You tell him all your secrets (or a good portion of them), what you like, what you don’t like.¬† When you need a man’s perspective on something, particularly relationships, he’s the one you call.¬† You think that he’s there for you because he likes being your reliable man friend, when in reality he’s using that information as a recon mission to gather information for his own benefit. While this sounds horribly underhanded, think about it for a moment.¬† This is the guy who will always remember your birthday.¬† Not only will he remember it, but he will be the one that gets you the birthday cupcakes just like you told him your mom used to.¬† He will be the one that remembers something obscure from a conversation you had 6 months earlier. He is the one that anticipates what you want and gives it to you and knows just how to make you smile when you are sad.¬† While slightly unhanded, his intentions are honestly in your best interest.¬† Even if he falls into the dreaded “Friendship Zone”, he will likely remain your loyal and reliable friend, even if you are dating someone that is completely beneath you.
- The Anakin Skywalker
The Double Agent is really a good guy.¬† His methods, while they can seem deceitful, are really based in the fact that he really likes you and wants to make sure that he can make you like him as well. The Double Agent’s main goal is not sleeping with you but actually to have a meaningful relationship with you.¬† The Anakin Skywalker on the other hand, is all about one thing:¬† Getting the Panties.¬† Any woman who has watched Star Wars knows what I mean when I call this category the Anakin Skywalker, aka the Darth Vader (See, this is why you all need to watch “man movies”, it will give you deeper insight.¬† LOL).¬† If the Double Agent uses his powers of friendship for good (i.e. a meaningful relationship) the Skywalker uses his powers of the Dark Side to find a way to get you in bed.¬† Where as the Double Agent would not take advantage of you when you are in a moment of weakness, the Anakin Skywalker will call the deepest, darkest powers of the force to have his way.¬† He has no problem using a Jedi mind trick to have you coming out of your panties before you know it.¬† If after a couple of weeks of sleeping with a guy who started off as just a friend and now he’s a “Friend with Benefits”, you ever ask “How the hell did this happen?” well, you can thank the evil dark lords of the Sith. For example, if you are having issues with your man, as much as he wants to advise you in a way to cause you to break up with the loser you are with, the Double Agent will give you advice to try to help limit the emotional pain you might feel (i.e., instead of saying “Fuck that nigga”, he’ll say “Maybe you two just need to take a moment and talk”).¬† The Anakin Skywalker on the other and will pounce on the opportunity to get in your panties.¬† Now to be honest, most men at some point in their lives have been tempted and given into the dark side.¬† We have all done it.¬† Some of the most deadly dark side powers of the Anakin Skywalker are:¬† The back rub, alcohol and the “I’m too tired to go home, can I crash there?”. Remember, the Double Agent will tell you what you NEED to hear, the Anakin Skywalker will tell you what you WANT to hear…in order to get into your pants (“This won’t change anything”, “I’ve always liked you”, etc.).
- The Double Agent
- The Wingman – This really isn’t another type.¬† It’s usually a guy who is your friend only because he was trying to hook you up with his boy.
- The Ex – Self explanatory and doesn’t count.¬† He’s probably already slept with you and if he hasn’t, he’s probably going to keep trying to.
A)¬†¬†¬† Show it to all his boys
B)¬†¬†¬† Keep it on his phone and make damn near awkward comments about your body every so often
C)¬†¬†¬† Throw up a little in his mouth, delete the picture and then call you up cussing your ass up for having the image of his sister stuck in his head now
D)¬†¬†¬† A and B
If you cannot answer ‘C’ with 100% certainty, then you all are not “just like family”. The only wiggle room on this is if he’s in a polygamy sect in which a little incest is expected and in that case, well…you two have other issues to talk about.¬† Another way to think about this is, if you were drunk and he took you home, could you trust that he would drop you off, make sure you were safe and then leave without trying to find some excuse as to why he needs to sleep in the bed with you?
Now undoubtedly some women are reading this and saying “Well why go through all this mess?¬† Why not just tell us upfront what you want?”¬† That’s cute.¬† It really is.¬† It’s cute because I (along with most other men) know that you really believe that.¬† You believe that if men just came up and were open and honest with you with how they felt that you would give them a chance.¬† While you live in that fairytale told only in Disney and Lifetime Network movies, we live in reality.¬† The reality is the Double Agent move is the best way to get women to consider a man they normally would not even give the time of day to.¬† It’s the Trojan horse maneuver to get around the initial barriers and defenses most women put up when dealing with men.¬† Even then, it runs the considerable risk of getting a man trapped in the dreaded “Friendship Zone” which is sorta like being in the Twilight Zone except you don’t get a cool Rod Serling intro. Most men would rather have their balls excised with a rusty scalpel used to autopsy AIDS victims than end up in the Friendship Zone (okay, maybe I’m exaggerating).¬† Anyway, back on topic…men do this because it really is how it works.¬† And before you dismiss it, remember, even Michelle Obama says that Barack being up front with her is not what won her over. ¬†Her first reaction was to dismiss him.¬† So even the President at some point had to run game.
Now let me be clear and say that all men that want to be your friend are not just talking to you because they are attracted to you.¬† Some guys really just want to be friends.¬† My best friend is female and at no point have I wanted to sleep with her because she’s been like family (Sure she’s Asian and I’m black but we like to tell people we just have different mothers and fathers). Others want to get to know you more before trying to pursue a relationship with you.¬† Honestly, women should actually be flattered that a man wants to be their friend and get to know them before just jumping out there with the “So when we fucking?”¬† My rule of thumb is that ladies, if you have 15 male friends (that’s a lot using my definition of what a real friend is) only about 2 -3 of them have never at any point wanted to date you or sleep with you.¬† Some of them might have by now moved you into the “almost blood relatives” or “Ugly Duckling” category but at some point they were probably attracted to you.¬† Remember, don’t go out there thinking every single one of your guy friends is trying to run game on you.
And to the fellas out there that are a little salty that I’m “exposing” the game.¬† Don’t worry.¬† At the end of the day women underestimate us as just “stupid boys” that couldn’t possibly run this kind of tactical scheme.¬† Even if they were to believe this, they’ll still fall for it. Hell, if the back rub/massage trick still works in 2009, then there’s nothing to worry about.¬† Its like Babe Ruth coming up to the plate and pointing over the fence.¬† You know the ball is about to get knocked out the park…but there’s nothing that can be done about it.