I know X-Men Orgins:¬† Wolverine came out over a month ago.¬† I know you’re thinking that this is “a little late”.¬† Well, fuck that.¬† It’s taken a month for my blood pressure to lower enough and for my brain to comprehend the complete fuckery I saw on the big screen.¬† Honestly, I’m not that surprised of the extra large dung pile that Wolverine turned into.¬† I think 20th Century Fox is a little pissed that Marvel decided to open up their own studio and make their own movies (Hence why The Incredible Hulk was vastly superior to its predecessor and why Ironman got so much praise).¬† It’s not just 20th Century Fox.¬† All the Studios that had rights to Marvel movies before Marvel went its own route are doing this.¬† It became obvious to me when Lions Gate Entertainment released that joke they called a Punisher movie.¬† They figured that since they won’t be getting any other Marvel Comic Book Rights they might as well run the one they already have the rights to into the ground.¬† Look for Spiderman 4 to come out where it’s really an ice capades musical with Spiderman skating around on ice in a tutu.
So my hopes weren’t too high for Wolverine (and they are even lower for the Magneto movie that will be coming out next).¬† But hell, I wasn’t expecting this much of a travesty.¬† I honestly don’t know what the fuck they were thinking because Wolverine is one of the most famous and loved characters in comic books…so fucking up his movie should be a big “No No”.¬† Let me run through what “grinded my gears” about this craptacular mess they called cinema:
*Standard Warning* There are spoilers in this, so if you somehow still have a desire to see this movie and don’t want to heed my warning that it’s a craptacular mess, then stop now
Okay, why the fuck is Scott Summers in this movie?¬† It makes no gotdamn sense.¬† First off, it was completely unnecessary.¬† No, I’m not thrilled with the whole “stealing” mutant powers angle but fine, you want to do that it’s okay.¬† Its been done in the comics (and in video games, X-Men Legends II).¬† But you shouldn’t just throw in a young Cyclops in there in some cheap attempt to appease the X-Men fan base.¬† Why? Because it opens up more plot holes than a cheap porno.¬† For instance, if Cyclops was experimented on during the Weapon X program (which he obviously was because his powers were taken) then how come he doesn’t remember Wolverine or Sabertooth?¬† Okay, maybe, MAYBE, you can explain why he doesn’t remember Wolverine.¬† Technically they were never introduced and Cyclops was blindfolded when Logan rescues him.¬† But you mean to tell me that none of the other kid mutants rescued ever told Scott “Hey, some guy named Logan with foot long indestructible claws freed us from the cages.”¬† I mean, Scott Summers, eventually leader of the X-Men never wonders how the fuck he escaped certain death as a teenager?¬† Come the fuck on.¬† But okay…I’ll let the Wolverine reference slide.¬† But what about not recognizing Sabertooth?¬† Come on.¬† Sabertooth chases him down the hall and Cyclops cuts his High School in half.¬† Being chased by a mutant named after a prehistoric jungle cat not withstanding, I don’t know any adolescent that would forget decimating their High School.
#9 Emma Frost
Another example of trying to cram familiar characters into this movie just because instead of really understanding who the fuck they were.¬† Emma Frost is considered to have telepathic abilities that rival that of…CHARLES FUCKING XAVIER.¬† But the assclowns who created this movie decided instead to focus on her secondary power, hardening her skin to a diamond form.¬† What the fuck kind of bullshit is that?¬† That’s like remaking Star Wars and having Yoda speak with a British accent using perfectly formed and grammatically correct sentences.¬† I guess the reason that this pissed me off was because it was just completely unnecessary.¬† She’s only in this movie for two reasons:
1.¬† As an “Ah Ha!!” moment when Kayla says “That’s my sister…Emma” (I won’t mention how Kayla’s last name is ‘Silverfox’ and somehow she’s now related to Emma Frost…and the head nurse is named Dr. Carol Frost…WTF???)
2.¬† To act as a human shield for Scott to blast the soldiers
#2 Really bothers me because they didn’t need Frost to have Diamond skin for this part of the script.¬† There’s been plenty of times when Emma Frost, Jean Grey and other telepaths have directed Cyclops’ optic blasts.¬† They could have done it here in this movie.¬† Except whoever wrote this script probably hasn’t picked up a X-Men comic EVER.
#8 William Stryker
Okay, maybe this is a nick picky beef, but while I know the movies are suppose to be set 20 years apart, Danny Huston looks and sounds nothing like a younger version of Brian Cox.¬† Not to mention, I don’t understand how a soldier that murdered his commanding officer, lost a bunch of “dangerous mutants”, created a disaster on 3 Mile Island, lied about having a mutant for a son and is clearly a nutcase would then be released from jail and then given command of a military unit to launch an assault against mutants (X-Men II).¬† Its especially puzzling when Logan and Victor are “executed” at the beginning of the movie for assaulting a superior officer.¬† So if Stryker KILLED an officer…wouldn’t he have faced the same fate?
#7 Special Effects
It’s 2009.¬† We have made wondrous advances in special effects.¬† Tell me why then, in this movie does it look like Sabertooth is floating on air when he runs up buildings or jumps in the air?¬† You mean to tell me you couldn’t make it less obvious he was on ropes?¬† Agent Zero jumping in the air and shooting all the guards?¬† Again…other “WTF was that shit?” moment.¬† And don’t get me started on that horrible sequence with Fred Dukes taking the tank out.¬† I half expected a guy in a Godzilla suit to come out at some point in the movie.¬† ¬†Compare the graphics in this movie and X-men 3: The Last Stand with X-men United with some other movies..¬† The opening sequence with Nightcrawler > then most of the scenes in the other two movies combined.
#6 Gambit’s accent
Why didn’t any of the first three X-Men movies put Gambit in them?¬† Because he’s one of those characters where if you fuck him up, you’ll never be forgiven.¬† Kinda like how the Goldmans will never forgive a certain big black former NFL Hall of Famer.¬† Sure Taylor Kitsch, looked a good Gambit and the fight scene with Wolverine was cool…but it all went to shit when he opened his mouth.¬† I don’t get it.¬† In the first X-Men movie they had Halle Berry as Storm break out the worse Jamaican accent I’ve heard since Ms. Cleo (adding to that insult was that Ororo is from Africa not some Caribbean island), now in this movie, they have a character that is suppose to have a thick distinguishable accent…and its nonexistent. ¬†What is this Bizzarro World?
#5 No Blood
Again, this is one of those things where I understand why they did what they did…I just don’t like it.¬† I actually blame the rating board.¬† One thing they did get right in this movie is the violence.¬† This isn’t a movie to take your 86 year old grandma to unless you’re deliberately trying to give her a heart attack so you can get a hold of that insurance money.¬† So to me, it makes no sense saying that this movie is PG-13 with all that violence just because there isn’t any blood.¬† Add blood and it has to be an R-Rated movie.¬† WTH?¬† This idea that we have to “think of the children” is asinine.¬† If anything its detrimental.¬† Wolverine stabs Sabertooth through the hand with his adamantium claws and there’s no blood.¬† Now some kid thinks they can stab their friend in the hand with a “miracle blade” and it’ll be okay.¬† Also, I think the Blade movies showed us that it’s okay to make a comic book movie for a violent character R-Rated.¬† Wolverine isn’t a “kiddie character” like Spiderman or Superman.¬† He has three 1-foot long incredibly sharp, indestructible blades on the back of his hands and goes into berserker rages that sends him into violent episodes. Think a coked out butcher with two machetes….on PCP.¬† Making this into a kid friendly movie is like putting a pedophile in a clown suit and giving him a job driving an ice cream truck.
Did I miss the part where they infused adamantium, an indestructible metal alloy, to Wolverine’s skull? Oh I didn’t?¬† That really happened?¬† Oh okay…cause I’m trying to figure out if someone has an indestructible skeletal structure…HOW THE FUCK DO YOU CUT THEIR HEAD OFF?????¬† It seemed like a recurring theme in this movie that somehow the way to kill Wolverine would be to cut his head off.¬† I’m sorry, am I watching Wolverine or Highlander?¬† I was expecting Duncan MacLeod (“…of the clan MacLeod”….lol…I’m such a nerd) to appear shouting “There can be only one” (A missed opportunity cause wouldn’t it have been hilarious if Deadpool shouted that out in his fight with Wolverine…too bad he couldn’t talk…more on that later). ¬†Now I’m not medical student and I’m not the end all be all on anatomy…but seems that if one was to cut someone’s head off, you’d have to cut through bone…and if that someone had an indestructible metal alloy on their bone…then you wouldn’t be able to cut through it.¬† Now maybe Stryker had the scientist build a “weak spot” into the adamantium bonding process ala The Death Star.¬† You know, if you’re fighting Wolverine under perfect weather conditions and the wind is just blowing just right and you can hear Obi Wan Kenobi’s voice telling you to “Use the Force”, you might be able to get a lucky swing off and cut Wolverine precisely at the joints where there is possibly no adamantium.¬† Of course when Deadpool is trying to cut off Wolverine’s head, unless they also had kidnapped Superman and stolen his X-Ray vision, he wouldn’t have been able to see that weak spot which leads me to believe that they were trying to imply that adamantium could cut through adamantium.¬† Which again, makes no sense because not only would that mean Wolverine would have cut his claws off the first time he touched them together but that he might have lopped off his arms the first time he drew his claws.¬† Obviously adamantium can’t cut adamantium…which leads me to another puzzling part of the movie…
#3 Adamantium cause memory lost?
Again, I’m confused.¬† Obviously Logan’s skull is encased in indestructible adamantium (see a pattern here? Keyword INDESTRUCTABLE).¬† He damn near knocks out Fred Dukes with a headbutt because of it.¬† And as I said above, adamantium can’t cut adamantium.¬† It doesn’t even dent it.¬† So please tell me how an adamantium bullet is going to do anything other than leave Wolverine with a nasty scratch that will heal in about 5 seconds.¬† How in the hell does Wolverine lose his memory off of that shit? I mean, the whole purpose of your skull is to protect the soft brain tissue inside.¬† So again, if your brain is encased in an impenetrable, indestructible metal alloy HOW THE FUCK DOES A BULLET CAUSE YOU TO LOSE MEMORY? Maybe, MAYBE you get a headache from that shit.¬† But completely losing your memory?¬† Impossible.¬† Hulk, probably the strongest being EVER CREATED has been able to DENT adamantium.¬† WTF is a bullet going to do? And Logan is not only suppose to not remember his past, but also have fake memories implanted.¬† I got it…maybe the adamantium bullets, the ones that can’t really penatrate adamantium, also include a computer chip with fake memories and then they….yeah…I know…sounds like bullshit to me too.¬† Its like the writers got to the end of the movie and said “Fuck it…we’re going to do something so unbelievable, when the audience’s mouths open in disbelief, we’re going to take a giant shit in it.”
#2 Charles Xavier
The runner up to this Top Ten list revisits the same basic question from the first two things I talked about.¬† Why put in a familiar face and shit on continuity and set X-Men history just for a cheap cameo?¬† Charles Xavier’s appearance in this movie is more than mind boggling, its downright criminal.¬† Where to begin?¬† How about we start with this:¬† Charles Xavier is an Alpha level mutant…probably the World’s most powerful telepath.¬† Hell, he’s so powerful, in the comic books he subconsciously creates a powerful psonic being Onslaught.¬† Even in the movies his power is shown.¬† Several times Professor X shows that he’s able to telepathically induce temporary mental and/or physical paralysis.¬† At the end of the second movie, he’s been drugged and obviously fatigued, yet he’s still able to get his entire team into the gotdamn WHITE HOUSE and demonstrate this power.¬† So you want me to believe, that this Charles Xavier (with fully functional legs) couldn’t get Cyclops and the rest of the young mutants out sooner?¬† Obviously he knew they were there and he was tracking Scott.¬† Which is another thing.¬† The first 5 students of Charles Xavier’s School for the Gifted were Marvel Girl (Jean Grey), Cyclops, Beast, Iceman and Angel.¬† Obviously they screwed this up in the first three movies with the last two.¬† But in this movie, they just completely shitted on that.¬† Who the fuck were those other kids?¬† Did they just go home and back to their lives? ¬†Emma Frost’s sister died, you mean to tell me Charles Xavier was just going to say “nope, I only came for Scott.” Then on top of all that…all those little fuckers weren’t going to fit in that small ass helicopter….
You pick Ryan Reynolds, an actor who is type cast to play the asshole motor mouth who gets the job done but can’t shut the fuck up.¬† That’s the role he plays in all his movies. Waiting, Blade Trinity, etc. Just like Robert Downey Jr. was born to play an alcoholic billionaire playboy in Tony Stark…Reynolds was born to play the overly verbose Wade Wilson.¬† So why oh why, in the final scenes is Deadpool’s mouth sewn shut?¬† I mean, we only get 5 minutes max with Reynolds being the wise cracking asshole we expected from Deadpool.¬† Next time we see Wade Wilson he’s got his mouth sewn shut, has Darth Maul-like body markings and he is wearing red outpatient hospital pants. What they did would be like taking away the fact that Peter Parker is a boy genius and created his own web shooters and web solution and instead made him have some kind of organic web shooters that grew under the palms of his hands. ¬†It would be that ludicrous…wait a minute…oh that’s right. ¬†You guys fucked that up too.¬† Okay, fine, you picked the perfect guy to play Deadpool and the neutered his best qualification for playing Deadpool (It wasn’t even Ryan Reynolds who played Deadpool at the end. So what the fuck was the point of evening casting him?). ¬†I might have been able to live with that if they hadn’t decided to then turn Deadpool into some kind of mutant Frankenstein. ¬†Okay, you decided to give him teleporting powers.¬† In the comic books he uses a personal teleporting device but I can live with making it one of his powers. ¬†Giving him Wolverine’s healing factor, again, not a problem…that’s how it was suppose to be. ¬†But giving him Cyclop’s optic blasts?¬† What the fuck was that shit? ¬†And why the fuck was that even necessary?¬† And why the fuck did they implant adamantium Katana blades into him? ¬†Again, even more unnecessary.¬† Then there’s another problem.¬† In X-Men 2 when Stryker is leaving Lady Deathstrike to fight Wolverine, he says “I used to think you were one of a kind…I was wrong”. Now I always took that to mean that he was able to infuse adamantium into Lady Deathstrike because of her healing factor. ¬†But wait a fucking minute, this dude created Weapon XI, Deadpool…so why the fuck would he say that he thought Logan was one of a kind? ¬†Obviously he knew that wasn’t true.¬† But back to the Deadpool fuckfest. ¬†Okay, so you can insert arm length long adamantium katanas into his arms but you can’t infuse it on his whole body? ¬†Obviously his bones weren’t laced cause then we run into the same “How the fuck do you decapitate someone with an adamantium skeleton?” problem.¬† And just how was he able to extend and retract those blades? ¬†Wolverine had bone claws already, Wade Wilson didn’t have that, so just how were they able to extend and retract like that? And did I mention I’m really pissed about giving him Cyclop’s optic blast? They’re suppose to be making a Deadpool movie where apparently he’s able to talk. Cool…but how the fuck do you explain away him not having those powers anymore?¬† Maybe they’ll put Cable in the movie and he’ll Time Travel back and kill the writers for even thinking about putting this travesty out.
Fuck you 20th Centure Fox…FUCK YOU!!!