(AP) — Women who perform the act of fellatio and swallow semen on a regular basis, one to two times a week, may reduce their risk of breast cancer by up to 40 percent, a North Carolina State University study found.
Doctors had never suspected a link between the act of fellatio and breast cancer, but new research being performed at North Carolina State University is starting to suggest that there could be an important link between the two.
In a study of over 15,000 women suspected of having performed regular fellatio and swallowed the ejaculatory fluid, over the past ten years, the researchers found that those actually having performed the act regularly, one to two times a week, had a lower occurrence of breast cancer than those who had not. There was no increased risk, however, for those who did not regularly perform. (Source)
I guess Dylan and I weren’t too far off when a few podcast back we stated that women should start swallowing more as a form of birth control. Not only is it a good form of birth control but apparently, it also fights off cancer. I guess semen is taking over as the new “health nut”. A teaspoon of semen a day can keep a woman’s breast cancer at bay. If you were expecting a deep, medical look into this study, then you’re in the wrong place. All I have is juvenile toilet humor. LOL. Or at least I would if this story was true. I like to fact check my stories, especially ones that come off as crazy as this one and it turns out that it’s really a spoof. I know this is disappointing to every man out there who was planning on printing this out, emailing it to their wife, girlfriend and mistress as well as posting it on the door to the bedroom (and the ceiling). Alas, its not true though and you’ll have to go the old fashion route of just getting your girl super drunk and “accidently” mistiming.
Now this study does bring up an interesting thought though *WARNING: RANTING AHEAD*. This “study” was semi-believable because quite frankly Doctors and medical researchers come up with bullshit ass studies like this all the time. I have a lot of friends that have either graduated or will be soon to become Doctors or to work at places like NIH and I can honestly say to them that their years of slaving away and drowning themselves in student loan debt will soon pay off because they are going into a profession that is probably about 90% bullshit. And don’t give me that look. Doctors, CDC, NIH, WHO, etc. all pull shit out of their asses. Look at this Swine Flu panic. 4 people die of Swine Flu and the CDC is all “OMG it’s a pandemic”…but what they don’t tell you is that most of those victims has preexisting conditions. Yeah, the lady “died” of Swine flu but she also had chronic lung issues. But they don’t care about that. They get to look important and smart while the rest of us fucking panic (well, not me…I had some bacon this morning).
But back to the bullshit studies. I’ve seen enough Law & Orders to know that for every “expert” witness the prosecution has, the defense has an “expert witness” to say the exact opposite with their own study. I guarantee you that while this “semen can keep cancer away” was fake, there’s someone out there getting a grant from the NIH to study the effect of semen on cancer cells. Yes, that means your tax dollars are going to someone who jerks off into a petri dish. Listen, I’m all about doing medical research to cure diseases…but how about we start with something simple first. Like my gotdamn allergies that have me going into work looking like the world’s biggest bitch cause I got tears streaming down my cheek. Or what about hair loss? You want to tell me that you’re going to cure cancer before you cure male pattern baldness? Come on. Shane Battier and his proceeding hairline should be locked away in a basement lab somewhere hooked up to wires as scientists test his DNA for the cure to receding hairlines. The truth is…you’re not going to cure cancer. And if on the off chance you do, then something more scary and fucked up will come around. Lewis Black (my favorite comedian) has a bit he does where he reminds us that the same fuckers talking about “We can cure cancer” are the same fuckers that can’t tell you if eggs are good or bad for you. You can’t come to an agreement on eggs…but you can cure cancer? GTFOH.
These same studies lead to the development of drugs that have side effects that are waaaaaaaaaaaaay worse than what they are suppose to cure. Have itchy ball syndrome? Take Zannoff (Side effects include significant shrinkage, hair lost, Herpes and in some few test cases death). What the fuck is that? I swear, I saw a commercial the other day for sleeping pills and one of the side effects was the possibility of getting a blocked airway. Well, I guess that’s one way to put yourself to sleep. Cut off the oxygen getting to your brain. Sure, you might fall into a deep coma, but at least you’ll get some great sleep. And don’t get me started on doctors. I pay a $20 copay for the nurse to come in and basically do everything while the Doctor comes in for the last 30 seconds, takes out his pen flashlight and acts like he’s doing something really important and then says “You’re fine.” Now, to be fair, I have a deep respect for specialists like surgeons who actually do work. But General Practioners???? Fuck you buddy. Seriously, you tell me what to listen for and I can cup my own balls and cough….and I won’t even charge myself.
Okay…this rant was really all over the place. I went from semen as a preventative measure against breast cancer to the uncomfortable 30 seconds every guy has experienced when their doctor checks their testicles. WTF?