I was talking to one of my Twitter Friends and she asked me if there was a pill for men equivalent to woman’s birth control, would I take it.  My response was, I already have birth control…they’re called condoms.  This lead to a discussion about how some studies say that condoms are only 80% effective at stopping pregnancy.  My reaction to that is that the 20% is due to human error.  Condoms stop 99.99% of pregnancies when used right.  That .01% is there just because nothing is ever 100%.  Even Lysol only stops 99% of germs.  So its not that condoms are only 80% effective, its that people don’t know how to use condoms correctly.  I blame this on the fact that we don’t have proper sex education in school.  Sex education shouldn’t be a taboo discussion with awkward, yet hilarious videos from the 80’s.  You need to be frank and honest with what’s going on.  What if I taught Sex Education?  I would give young boys the rules for using condoms.  Call it the Ten Commandments of Condom Use.

Rule #1:  You Have to Wear it For It to Be Effective
This is the Golden Rule of condom use if you will.  If before you put the condom on, you “just put the tip in” or get a few pumps in first, you dramatically decrease the effectiveness of the condom.  It’s the equivalent of squeezing the trigger of a gun pointed to your head a couple of times before checking to see if the safety is on or if there are bullets in the chamber or magazine.  I’m willing to bet this is how 90% of those pregnancies that happen due to “faulty” condoms occur.

Rule #2:  Always check the expiration date
People will check the expiration date on milk, cheese, and bread…but when it comes to using a product like condoms, which protects them from STDs and pregnancy…it doesn’t even cross some people’s mind.  And the expiration date isn’t a “suggestion”.  It’s not a “Best if Worn by” date.  I’m personally not comfortable wearing condoms that are within 6 months of the date.  Of course, I’m a gambler and I’ve done it…I just don’t recommend it.

Rule #3:  Never Leave Home Without Them
You should never leave the house without condoms.  Check for you wallet, check for you keys…check to make sure you have condoms.  It doesn’t make you a freak, pervert or horny bastard.  Just prepared.

Rule #4:  Bring Your Own
Just like you don’t use someone else’s toothbrush, don’t use someone else’s condoms.  You don’t know.  Your boy could have gotten that condom from his girl, who is poking holes in them to try to trap him.  It doesn’t even have to be something that nefarious.  Someone else could have left those condoms sitting out on a heater somewhere, degrading the integrity of them.  Point is, you never know what the condoms someone else gave you have been through.  Don’t risk it.

Rule #5:  Read the Instructions
I know guys never ask for directions and never read the instructions…but when its something like this…read the fucking instructions.  The last thing you want to happen when you are about to get it on is to be trying to blow the condom up as if it was an animal balloon like Andy did in Forty Year Old Virgin.

Rule #6: Chances are you don’t need a Magnum XXL.
No…you don’t. Stop lying.  You want to wear an extra large shirt or pants so big you could use them to flag down an Airliner…by all means do you.  However unless you trip and fall wearing those extra baggy clothes on an escalator, you’re probably not in danger.  Wearing a baggy condom is probably why you say things like “I don’t like to wear a condom, I want to ‘feel’ you”.  Well if the condom wasn’t 2 sizes too big, you probably would feel it.  If you still feel the need to stroke your ego please remember that feeling of being a “bigger man” when the chick gets pregnant.  Quick rule of thumb.  If the condom can be pulled up far enough to engulf your balls…time for a smaller condom buddy.

Rule #7:   Don’t Use Party Favor Condoms
Party favor condoms are as useful as fake fruit. Good for decoration not for actual use.  Just like you wouldn’t bite into a fake decoration apple for nourishment, using a condom attached to a blowpop from a Valentines Day party bag isn’t a good idea.  When we went to Beerfest in Raleigh, one of the distributors (Magic Hat) was handing out condoms for promotion.  Yeah, I’m going to trust that.  Beer, one of the leading causes of unplanned pregnancies, and condoms.  Not a good mix.

Rule #8:  Absolutely NO Flavored Condoms
This is sorta like #7 but I felt it required its own rule.  Wearing a flavored condom is like putting 87 Octane into a high-end sports car.  Sure, you might get away with it a few times, but eventually you’re gonna get burned.  First off, when I think flavored condoms I think about a mouth not a vagina.  Also, maybe its just me, but there’s also the fear of a allergic reaction to the strawberry-banana flavoring on the condom and let’s be real…an allergic reaction on your penis just might be worse than the Herp (okay not really but you get the point).  And finally, who wants their room smelling like Skittles after sex?

Rule #9:  One Time Use Only
Treat your condoms like a plate at the buffet.  After you use the plate once, you don’t go back up to the buffet line with the dirty plate.  You get another one.  Same thing with condoms.  Once you bust, get another one.  If you don’t have another one…tough shit.  Wait until next time.

Rule #10:  Employ the Pull Out Method…Even with a Condom on
If you don’t see yourself wanting to have kids with the chick, err on the side of caution and pull out even when using a condom.  I know that stating the obvious about how “You shouldn’t sleep with someone you don’t want a serious relationship with” is going to fall on deaf ears so there’s no point in addressing it.  You will sleep with a jump off…every man has.  In these cases, don’t risk a busted condom.  Pull out.  Sure you can still get her pregnant even using that method but it’s a pretty good extra precaution.