*Update* I keep getting more comments on here claiming this is the typical male bashing writing blaming everything on women. Truth is, I’ve written similar shit about men. Not surprisingly, virtually no one has complained about that.
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I hear a lot of women talking about how “There are no good men”. Well quite frankly I’m tired of hearing that. Its time for a reality check. See when a woman goes to a pastor, family members or a best friend (usually some other bitter bitch) for relationship advice, she’s given advice that is meant to comfort her and not give her the truth. Getting advice from one of those aforementioned people is pretty useless because they are giving advice that is meant to make a woman feel better about herself and not give her what she actually needs to hear. This is especially true when a woman listens to her girlfriends who themselves are manless, are dating a loser and/or are whores. It’s like the blind leading the blind…over a cliff and into a meat grinder. The truth hurts and no one wants to give advice out that might make someone feel even shittier than they already do. I, however, have no qualms about doing that. Ladies, the reason you can’t find/keep a good man is because YOU are the problem. It’s that simple. Women almost never accept responsibility for their own fuckups when it comes to relationships and even when they attempt to, it’s usually just some scapegoat way of blaming the dude i.e. “I was stupid for thinking that he was a good dude”. Let’s see. You’re approaching 30, you’ve been in and out of relationships, every time you think you meet a good guy it falls apart…seriously, at what point do you stop blaming it on men and start doing some self examination? The real common denominator in your failures is you.
Now let me explain why you can’t keep a man. It’s actually very simple. You can’t keep a man because you don’t try to keep a man. First off, women have started to believe this myth that they are somehow simple to please whereas men are complicated. It’s the opposite. When it comes to relationships, women can’t even figure out for themselves what they want and they want men to be overnight experts. Men on the other hand are very simple creatures. A relationship to us is a simple cost benefit analysis: Does our time and money bring us a reasonable set of benefits? Women don’t seem to be aware of the sacrifices men make to try to please them. Let me break down the money and time parts for you:
Money
I’m convinced women don’t know, don’t appreciate or don’t care how much money a man typically burns on trying to keep them happy. Let’s break down with some very conservative and basic numbers. Let’s say a man takes a woman out once a week for dinner and a movie. A dinner at a decent restaurant (Non-chain) is going to run you about $50 – $60. That doesn’t include any alcoholic beverages. Including drinks and tip, you’re looking at about $70 – $80. Movie tickets for two will run you $20 and add an extra $5 – $10 if there are snacks involved. You’re looking at about $70 – $100 a week, $280 – $400 a month. That’s $1120 – $1200 every 3 months. That’s a damn mortgage payment. And that’s just dinner and a movie once a week. That doesn’t include birthdays, Christmas, Valentines Day, anniversaries, etc. Now I know the typical woman response is “But I spend about that much for clothes, hair and other things I do for you.” Bullshit. This isn’t like doing your taxes. You can’t write off your everyday, normal expenses. Its not even in the same ballpark.
Time
Our entire lives, men are raised to be keepers of their own time. As little boys we are in essence raised to take care of ourselves and do what we want with our time. Being in a relationship means a lot of sacrificing of that freedom. We have to sit on the phone and talk about how fucked up your day was. We have to deal with the bullshit drama that you get yourself into when you hang out with bitches that aren’t really your friends but you’re either too stupid to see it or completely unwilling to change it (Yet we have to hear you bitch about our friends). Even when we stay in and you come over, we have to deal with you sitting there interrupting and disturbing our “fortress of solitude” by asking questions and wanting to “talk” while the game is on. But we deal with it. No, we don’t enjoy talking to you for hours on end. Yeah, we might tell you we do, but we don’t. See, when we hang out with our boys and bitch about things, if we’re told “Damn dude, that was fucking stupid, don’t do that”, we don’t cry about that being too harsh, we take the advice. However in a relationship with women, we have to hear you bitch about stupid shit going on with you and then watch as you refuse to take our advice. Then 2 weeks later we’re right back where we started and have to listen to the bullshit over again. It’s a complete waste of our time but we know we have to do it so we suck it up and deal with it.
So this is typically what happens. A woman meets a nice guy; they hit it off and start dating. It starts off wonderful. They talk for hours on the phone, he takes her out and things really seem to be meshing. Then after about 3 – 4 months, things start to change. They don’t go out as much, he spends more time with his boys/watching the game/playing Xbox, they don’t talk as much and he feels more distant. After about 6 months there’s a noticeable change and things fall apart and a woman is left wondering “What the hell happened?” What happened was the guy did a cost-benefit analysis and the results weren’t in your favor. A man has put in his time and his money and he’s looked into what exactly he’s getting back from it and the answer was “Not much.” This always happens. Talk to any woman and she’ll say “Things started off great but after a few months he changed.” Look, he didn’t change…he got bored.
Relationships are like hourglass sand timers. If you don’t switch things up, the sand will run out and it’ll be over. Let’s be frank, the only benefit most women are providing to a man is a steady supply of sex and that’s not going to cut it in the long run. Sex has a 3 month shelf life before it becomes just another thing to do. Women have fallen into this mindset that all a man needs to be happy is good sex. *sigh* Please. That might get you in the door, but you’ll be quickly ushered out if that’s all you’re bringing to the table. First and foremost, your pussy devalues over time much like the way a new car depreciates in value the moment you drive it off the lot. Also, much like a car, newer models come out all the time and your pussy is replaceable. There’s nothing a woman can do to stop this. Sure you can switch things up in the bedroom and make things more “exciting” but all that does is postpone the inevitable. So, in order to keep your man you need more than just sex. Any woman can provide a man with sex, what you want is something that you can provide that most woman can’t or won’t. Again, men are simple creatures; we don’t need or ask for much:
Cook - The new trend with women these days seems to be that a lot of them either can’t cook or they don’t cook for their man. The saying “The way to a man’s heart is through is stomach” is one of the few sayings that is actually true. Cooking is such a basic survival skill I’m baffled by ANYONE who says they can’t cook. It’s not rocket science here people. If you can put together a banging ass meal at least 2 times a month, I’m telling you…your man isn’t leaving you.
Cater to him – When you had a rough day we’re expected to rub your feet, get you dinner and generally sit around and listen through your bitch fest. Is it too much to ask that when we come home from a hard day and have a headache that you come over and take care of us? I’m not saying this has to be a one-to-one thing, but every once in a while it makes a man feel good to be able to come relax and not have to worry about anything because his girl is going to take care of him. Think about it. Women always have a laundry list of things their man should be doing for them…but how many of them can truly list things they do to take care of their man (That don’t involve sex).
Learn about his hobby and engage in it with him – If your man loves football, learn about football. That doesn’t mean asking him to teach you about it or asking 50 million questions in the middle of the game. Go to the library or Google or your father/uncles/brothers and learn from them. You don’t have to love it or even like it but you have to pretend. Hell, we do it all the time with you. We don’t like shopping with you, dealing with your emotional outbursts or half the shit we do with you…but we pretend. A little reciprocity would be nice. Learning from someone else other than him shows that you care. We have to show we care about things you do all the time so it only makes sense that you return the favor. Trust me, you show some form of interest in what he is doing and it’ll be easier to get him to take a break from it.
Hit the gym - It might seem trivial but the truth is your looks matter. As a matter of fact, any man that says he doesn’t care about his woman’s looks needs to have his sexuality checked. Men want the trophy wife/girlfriend. If your man is going to the gym and working out and you’re not, just go ahead and start preparing yourself for the break up. Look, your bullshit tofu-only diet might make you drop some weight but its not getting you in shape. When your man goes to the gym, he sees women that are either working out with their man or just working out for themselves. Immediately he thinks “why doesn’t my girl do that?” All it takes is one friendly conversation with a single lady who is working out at the gym for your man to start thinking “Damn, why am I not sleeping with this chick?” Beside that it also shows that you actually care about your own health. A woman that is working out now is more likely to keep that up after she’s pumped out some kids. That’s a huge plus to a man.
There’s a recurring theme with the things I mentioned. If you don’t cook or cater to your man or hit the gym, some other woman will. Men attract the most women when they are in a relationship. Other women are gunning for your man and if you aren’t bringing anything to the table you will lose him. It’s a myth that men are afraid of commitment. Most men don’t mind commitment when it comes to a woman that handles her business. Men are just overly cautious about commitment because the whole purpose of being in a relationship with a woman is to eventually get married. So if a woman isn’t really bringing much to the table now, why the hell would he want to commit long term to that? We recognize and appreciate women who hold it down. All men have that one friend that is deeply committed to his great girlfriend/wife. We clown him excessively for being whipped but we would NEVER try to get him to break up with her because we all know she’s good for him. When we come over to watch the game, she’s there wearing a jersey, cooking food and handing out beers. Or she can kick his ass in Halo 3 and in essence makes all her man’s friends jealous that he has such a great woman while their girl is bringing nothing. Why does she do that? Because she knows if she doesn’t do it, some other woman will be.
Now I’m sure some woman will hit back with “Oh there’s things yall need to do too” and that’s true. However, there’s two things with that. First off, some women have a knack for dealing with men they know they shouldn’t. If you’re going for the “thug type” then don’t bitch when shit doesn’t work out. You know when a man isn’t a good match for you, but you convince yourself that you can change him. Let me be very clear with this: You Can’t!!! Stop wasting your time and trying. Secondly, while good men out there do need to stay up on their game, the numbers work way better in our favor. There are more women than men so if a man fucks up with a good woman, he still has a good chance of finding another good woman. I’m not condoning a man’s fuck ups, I’m just acknowledging that the field is much smaller for women. Due to this women have to make themselves irreplaceable. Most women have dated good guys but it doesn’t work out because they don’t put in work into it (Or they dated someone they knew they shouldn’t have…which is another topic). You can’t have a list of criteria of what a man should do and then expect the only thing you have to do is give up the vajayjay. You’ve been trying that way for a minute and it hasn’t work. Don’t you think its about time to switch it up?
OK guys vs gals; gals vs guys. Here it is simple. Expectations, what are each others expectations. People change, wants change. And here’s what one unfaithful man told me. “What you women don’t want to understand is that a man was born to cheat, not just one woman for me!” But here’s what Sophie Tucker said: “I’m a one ticket gal, I’m free as a breeze. When I leave my apartment I take all MY keys. I’m living alone and I like it!” I’ve notice some modern women, want to treat their men like their kids. Horrific! Some men wanted to be treated like little boys. Some women have no consideration for their men and men don’t have consideration for their woman. Some women are a bunch of cry babies who want to be pampered and adores; some men want to be free and left to their own abandonment. Some people, both men and women are too needy or self-absorbed. Some men have wonderful wives and don’t value them and the same for some women. I read this book from a guy who served in Iraq. He speaks of a bombing incident that left two of his buddies dead in the humvie they were riding in. He writes of the horrible scene, brains, blood, body parts he had to help clean up. He calls his wife and of course asks her how her day was. She starts this litany of how horrible her day was; the dog pooped all over the place, etc, etc. Not once did she ask how his day had gone. After listening to her all he could say was goodbye, call you later. And this is a perfect example of how consideration is lacking. And, I hope it wll open the minds of those who have a husband, boyfriend lover over there. Personally I think Consideration is love.
I think you nailed it with that “cost benefit analysis” lol
Now to read what you had to say about us Men.
I couldn’t agree with this article more. I am a very independent woman, and I do not feel the “need” to have a man. However, was able to keep the man I “wanted” by doing the things mentoned above. My man loves football, shit I googled it, and now we debate the games on Sunday and Monday. LOL. He still trips out when we are watching a game and I actually know the players names and positions they play. It’s not about changing your world it’s about sharing in eachothers. Yes, I have the couple of loud mouth opinionated gf’s who talk shit and say “you actually watch that shit?” e Or I can’t believe you have all them n%$$a’s in your house on Sunday tearing shit up! The reality is 4 out of 5 of them are single and the other is in a very unhealthy relationship.
Bottom line if you want to keep him around, get interested in the things he likes. And, neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr listen to a gf no matter how much you love her if her shit is all fucked up!! People envy a good thing…Remember that!
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But what about the women who do none of this and still have lots of love in their life? How do you explain that?
I understand the thesis that if a woman wants to attract and keep a man of quality that she needs to be willing to do her part to make the relationship as fun, engaging and passionate for a man to refuse to leave. But this post ignores the women who are relationship slackers yet never moan about not being able to keep a man.
I think it’s difficult to apply a one size fits all fix to what’s happening between men and women. I do think that a lot of women of all races need to face up to the fact that enhancing their lives independent of a relationship should be a priority.
But there’s not a lot of money to be made in that, I guess.
True, there are women that seem to always get a good man and do none of this. But that’s like anything else in life. There are people that get by day in and day out slacking off in their lives but come out fiscally on top. But nobody mentions them because they are anomalies. That’s not how you live your life, based off of the exceptions to the rules. The fact is, most of us have to put work into our relationships.
The fact is, most of us have to put work into our relationships.
yes for the lucky anomalies who can be slackers yet get the love they require in relationships — no one need address that. as a matter of fact they need no books or advice. There’s no money to be made from them.
but for the rest who have to put work into a relationship–
should that division be determined by gender or by requirements?
i think women get a lot of stuff dumped on them about what they are doing wrong to maintain healthy, emotionally satisfying reciprocal relationships. I don’t know why that is but I feel it’s crazy making pressure cooker of expectations and disappointment. Instead of why you can’t find/keep a good man — I wish there was more messages that said to women: value yourself whether or not you are coupled up.
that way men don’t have to date women who are seeking out men to validate their existence and women don’t have to compromise on what they expect to give in a relationship.
The reason why people, particularly men, dump on women about what they aren’t doing in relationships is that women are always complaining about their failed relationships….and pointing the finger at men. My whole point is, a failed relationship is the fault of 2 people…the 2 people in that relationship. And if you are constantly in failed relationship, the problem might be you. Now that goes for both men & women, but most men understand that.
And you’re absolutely right, if more women valued themselves when they were single, relationships would be better (same for the men as well).
No wonder you never invite me over here… you got “No Ma’am” meetings going lolll
Some of this makes sense. I am only 22 yrs old and have more sense than older women when it comes to relationships. It is annoying to hear some women complain about never being able to find a good man b/c it is always the same type of women—the loud, crude obnoxious woman that no decent man will put up with. And, they are usually the ones that go after the men they know aren’t any good. Ex. If a man is cheating with you on his gf, please don’t be surprised or bitch when he do it to you. I have too many friends like this and it is annoying as hell. Some people are just too stupid to be in relationships. If every person you meet is a loser, then may–just maybe, the problem is you.
The only problem I have about this article is the fact that you say ALL men all simple creatures. Bullshit. Nobody on here can speak for all men or women. You can only speak about yourselves and people you have encountered. This is not a man’s issue. There are plenty of men that complain about finding a good woman failing to realize they are the problem. I have met my share of complicated, downright difficult men. Some men bitch and moan about stupid shit just as much as some females. The very first bf I had was the male version of the females we are talking about. He was jealous, emotionally needed, and controlling. When I get back to my dorm, the last thing I want is to be attacked with a million and one questions about nothing.
I don’t find this article or the writer to be any different than the male bashing articles I have read that were written by females. And, please don’t for one second fool yourself into thinking otherwise. All you have to do is replace man with woman and there you go. It’s ridiculous. This type of male chauvism is no different than feminism. I find both extremely annoying and do my best to avoid them at all cost. It is beyond annoying when people get on the internet thinking they are speaking for an entire race and/or gender. You aren’t; you are speaking for you and only you.
And, it is so naïve to think doing those simple things is all it takes to make a relationship work. Relationships are HARD and it is going to take a little bit more than cooking, playing video games and exercise to make it last. *sigh*
Actually, I’ve written the same things about men.
http://theinsanityreport.com/home/index.php/2009/04/23/random-thoughts/men-why-we-cant-keepfind-a-good-woman/
The truth is…relationships are easy. People, men & women make it hard by not following common sense. If the man you’re with is controlling and bitchy, leave. It’s that simple. By staying in a similar situation, not communicating or not trying things different there’s no wonder relationships don’t work out. This isn’t about “woman bashing” it’s about bashing people that sit around and bitch about their lack of relationship success when the common denominator in the equation is themselves.
Kriss, relationships are easy when you find someone you are compatible with. But, even then, it is still hard. When I say hard, I mean in a sense that you constantly have to work at it. A lot of marriages/relationships fail b/c people get too comfortable with each other. They stop doing the things they did to make their partner fall for them. And, you can’t let that happen. Keep yourself up and never let the romance die. And, I guess even that can be easy if you don’t look at it as work. But, like I said before, some people are too stupid to be in relationships…stupid people lack common sense. I mean, you should hear some of my friends talk about their ‘ideal’ guy. ‘My man has to be a kappa, tall, light/dark skin, a doctor, blah blah blah.’ Do you see the problem here? They look for all the wrong things when it comes to finding a potential mate and still can’t figure out why they are not good in relationships. In the same breath, I have male friends that are the same—too wrapped up in themselves to know or care about anybody’s needs but their own.
The idea for this article is really good b/c I have plenty of dumb female friends like this. But, it is written poorly. You sound just like the ‘bitter bitches’ who never see their faults in a relationship. ‘Oh, if any relationship of mine go south, it is automatically the woman’s fault because I am such a simple creature that require simple things.’ Are you kidding me? YOU are a ‘simple creature’, not all men and I know that from experience. All you are doing is using propaganda to influence the way people think and see relationships. This drivel can hurt more people than it help, especially if they are dumb enough to believe it. Have you even been in a relationship? I have been in one for 5 yrs and it is far from easy. We work hard to make sure we are both happy and our needs are being met. Ask any happily married couple and they will tell you.
For the last gotdamn time. Relationships are easy. People just don’t want to put the work in them to make them work. Men and women both know what they need to do…instead we ignore it. Again…I SAID THE SAME FUCKING SHIT ABOUT MEN. But I’m bitter. Right. Come on people. Reading comprehension. If you’re not one of these women walking around talking about how ‘you can’t find a good man’ then guess what…THIS ISN’T TALKING ABOUT YOU.
Kriss you think like I do. I’m definitely cosigning this entire blog. You got facebook?
Yeah, men are so simple. My last boyfriend must have been the exception to that rule. LOL. And, I guarantee all the men that have been dumped or cheated on won’t admit they played any part in the downfall of their relationship. I also wonder if one of your friends come to you bitching about his girl doing this or that if you would have any qualms about telling him his problem. Something tells me you won’t. Despite what you have been told or choose to believe, men are just as bitter as women. But, they want to act as if only women sit around complaining about men.
Gabrielle……..The problem lies here in your comment
“No classy girl in the year 2009 onwards, who has preserved herself (refuses to have kids outside marriage), got a good job,takes pride in her appearance (gym, yoga or dieting)and has her own car and house, can ever contemplate trying to please a man of a lesser standard.
Let’s face it there are many of you expecting to be treated like kings but have nothing but baggage to offer”.
Now I’m calling Bullshit on that one because for every one brotha who fits this stereotype there’s three, four times as many who haven’t fallen into this trap and yet you still place them in the “lesser standard catagory”
I give you credit for getting your life in order but because women like you overlooked the “lesser” men is why we started dating outside of our race to begin with. you “getting your shit together” at first gave you confidence but over time it also made you arrogant and unapproachable men can spot that like a 300 meter target.
I am a black 28 year old women who has had a couple flings and two serious relationships. My firt relationship ended cause my man said… I wasnt doing anyting with my life…(i did everything with him and he never got space…) after we broke up I took his advice and got my life together…college… volunteer work… and hitting the gym. Fast forward a coupld years down the road and he wants be back! Thats when I had it all figured out… women need to take care of themselves and stop expecting a mriacle from men without being too independent (saying i dont need a man…cause the truth is we long for that companionship) now im in a relatioship and got so much going on in my life… my boyfriend complains that Im just too busy…but that he loves me anyway! He loves me because I allow him to be him and allow me to be. Men really are simple. I think women should listen to the advice of their fathers…cousins… uncles etc…
Amen, exactly.
Here’s all im going to say. I have always cooked for the man that was in my life. I always keep a clean house. Once a week, at least, I would give a massage on hands, feet, whatever hurt him. I love football and enjoy racing, I was a daddys girl growing up. My fav game to play on XBox so far is Halo Reach. If he spent time with friends, then great he needs that time. If friends hung out I made sure they were fed too. I even bustes my ass to go from 200lbs down to 128lbs and I still work out 4 to 5 times a week, and let me tell you its not easy. I have learned over the years that this idea of what type of female I am may be what a man wants, but when they get it they have no clue what to do with it because they are so use to the fake money hungry drama bitches, they get confused. I will be 30 this year and I’ve never been married nor have kids yet I have always been this “idea” of what men want from a woman. You guys can be so confusing.
OK…I 100% get the cost benefit analysis and agree that if a woman wants a good man, she’ll find a way to be with one.
I do, however, know a few women (not a lot) that don’t expect or even ask a man to do the “chores” you mentioned…they shop alone or online (or hate shopping), deal with the stress of their day without endless conversation (or already have a solid, sensible support network) and, through life experience or common sense, have weeded out the bulk of the sources of drama in their lives. I know you were speaking in generalities, but, in a specific case like that (they’re rare, but there are a few out there) what’s the CBA for the woman involved?
In other words, I read in your article that men provide money, sex and tolerance…what happens when a woman doesn’t need a whole lot of any of those three?
then this doesn’t apply to you. When I wrote this I used generalizations just because hell it’s easier to write and I was tired of a certain subset of women going around writing about how there were “no good men”. If a woman doesn’t fall into that category than this doesn’t apply to them.This (and the accompanying post on men) isn’t for people that know that being single doesn’t mean something is wrong with them or with the other gender but that they just haven’t found someone yet. This is for those fools who think sitting around and making demands on what men (or women) should do without looking at themselves first
The author sounds angry with Black women which gives me cause to pause. However, I believe some of the information is helpful. Unfortunately, the four suggestions he offered to keep your man have not worked for me. I am the epitome of the description, I cook, cater to him, do things he likes to do like watch football (I happen to like football), and exercise 4-5 times a week. I offer reciprocity….pay for dinner. I give thoughtful gifts, etc, etc, but that does not change anything. If a man is not ready to settle down and is not looking for a good woman to do that with, there is NOTHING a woman can do that will compel him to do so. In my experience many Black men are just not ready to stop playing games. It’s interesting though, ALL of the men who have broken my heart because they have cheated, lied, or broke up with me because I was too nice, have called to apologize and have asked me to give us another opportunity. Because, in their words “I am the type of woman you settle down with.” Too bad, I no longer believe it.
some of its true, most of it is shit though because MOST men arent willing to even dedicate one night a week to their girl (in the sense of taking them out/spending money)– making this article obsolete.
I agree with this, and also how a women will lose a man, especially a good man in her past she gave up the goods to these guys but now you find a good man and you want to withhold sex for a long period of time even no sex until 6,8 months down the line or until marriage it will make a man lose interest in you, you want a car but you want to know how it runs so you test drive the car if it runs good you buy, you need to test drive the sex before saying I do, or you will invest in some bad sex in the long run.
many women today just cannot meet a good man, because of their rotten attitude. they are so very nasty to talk too today. i am a straight man, and i can see why it is hard for me now.
Well if I met someone worthy of my investment, I imagine I would do so…. haven’t so far. I don’t expect a guy to do anymore for me than I would do for him. Also, I already watch sports so I could hold my own watching just about anything.
it is more like the women today out there that are playing very hard to get. it is so very hard for the men to connect with the good women now, unlike years ago, when it certainly was much more easier than now. women’s attitudes have changed over the years, and this does make it much more difficult. i seems to me that women are not interested in us men anymore, like before. can’t blame us straight men for trying. i have certainly noticed that there are a lot more LESBIANS today, than ever before. no wonder why.