During my End of the Year Wrap up, I usually list a Dumbass of the Year, but by then the nominees are usually the idiots that have done something that is still fresh in my mind. You know at the end of the year there’s always some republican that got caught getting a blow job in the back of his car by a gay prostitute or some white radio/TV personality that lets the word “nigger” slip into their vocabulary or some pro-sports player that got caught electroshocking their pet gerbil after it lost it’s underground gerbil fighting match or a young up and coming superstar who is on the verge of throwing her life away due to an addiction to huffing dry eraser board pens. So I figured since I’m not doing weekly Dumbass of the Week any more I need something sooner to recognize idiots who show their asses earlier in the year. That’s when it hit me. When better to highlight these morons than on April Fool’s Day. I think instead of being a day of pranks, April 1st should be a day when we recognize and show appreciation for the idiots out in the world. So without further ado, activate the child safety locks, hide the sharp objects and help me recognize these idiots:
Glenn Beck - I heard about Glenn Beck before he got his new show on Fox News but I never really paid him any mind. I recently sat through one of his shows (well, at least I attempted to) and I realize that he is a real life Chicken Little. He failed out of College and yet that hasn’t stopped him from becoming the voice for the paranoid and delusional cornerstone of the Republican base. In the particular show I saw last week, I watched as this fool intensely hung on every word of that whackjob Michelle Malkin as she warned him of Obama’s plan mobilize the youth in this country as some form of Civil Defense Force. I shit you not. Apparently, making it mandatory for kids to perform community service is the first step down the slippery slope to Obama getting his own version of the “Hitler Kids” movement and the Gestapo. Okay, seriously, who put the crazy guy in front of the camera?
Michael Steele - Do I really need to explain this one again?
Rush Limbaugh - Another Right Wing Blowhard with little education. You would think that with all his talk about the economy, the threat of socialism Obama poses and everything else he rants about that Rush has a degree in economics, history, journalism or at least some form of education from an institute of higher learning. That’s not the case. He’s actually a drop out. Yes, you read that right. The voice of the republican party is a drop out. It now all makes sense. See, Rush makes the news because he repeatedly says he hopes President Obama fails. Well, since Rush knows a lot about failure, he’s assuming that “failure” is a good thing. Guess nobody told the big guy the truth.
Nominees to Obama Administration Cabinet Positions (some) – I don’t mean all nominees and appointed officials, just those idiots that after reading that long ass questionnaire with potential vetting questions and concerns, still applied for the jobs or didn’t come forward immediately with their dirty little secrets. Yes I’m looking at you Governor Richardson and Senator Tom Daschle. Wtf dudes? What the hell do you mean you forgot to pay $150k worth of taxes. That’s not a small hiccup or something that slips your mind (Unless you have Alzheimer’s). Hell, throw in Timmy while you’re at it. For the love of God the guy running the Treasury Department, apparently the smartest guy we could find, can’t even do his own taxes right. We’re so fucked. This just in…Kathleen Sebelius (Tom Daschle’s replacement) has just paid $7,000 worth of back taxes. That’s no April Fools joke people. It’s really happening. What is going on with these people not paying taxes? I use Turbo Tax and I’ve never had a problem. They make it so simple to do. These important people shouldn’t even have to use Turbo Tax. You’re the freakin Governor. You should have one office in the Governor’s Mansion with a CPA whose only job is to do your taxes and write expense reports. It’s times like this that I feel for Obama. He’s trying to do the right thing but he’s surrounded by morons.
The Pope - The Vatican needs to fire whoever their PR person is. Either that or burn them on the stake. Whatever the appropriate Catholic punishment is. Someone had to know that it would look incredibly stupid for the Pope (aka Emperor Palpatine…evil Lord of the Sith) to go to a country ravaged by AIDS/HIV and say that condoms only make the problem worse. Even if you don’t believe condom use, you don’t say that. If pressed on it you either pull a Mark McGwire and say “I’m not here to talk about the past” or you say “Jesus says STFU” or “no comment”. That’s it. It’s that simple. You don’t go to a country where 25 million people have died and say condoms hurt the problem. That’s asinine. Even for a guy that dresses in his pajamas.
Latreasa Goodman – Calling 911 because McDonalds ran out of chicken nuggets and didn’t refund your $5 is one of the dumbest reasons I have ever heard. At least it was until one of my friends posted this link to other idiots that have called 911 for non-emergencies.
Octo-mom and her doctors – Who implants a woman that already has had 6 kids she can barely take care of with more embryos? They couldn’t tell this woman was nuts from a 5 minute consultation? If she sat down in my office, I would have immediately seen she was swagger jacking Angelina Jolie and called the nuthouse to have her picked up. Now the bitch has 14 kids. She’s literally the story of the Woman Who Lived in a Shoe.
Mayor Dean Grose Los Alamitos – Watermelons on the White House lawn? Really, you didn’t know that was racist? I’m more offended that this moron tried to act like he didn’t know that the picture was racist than I am that he sent it. Hey, if you’re a bigot, so what…there’s plenty out there. But don’t try to plead ignorance when you get caught up. Own up to it and keep it moving. As African Americans, we’ll respect you more.
Former Detriot police officer Edward Sanchez and his Wife - Woo-hoo!!! Another 911 story. You’ll remember these two idiots as the ones who called 911 after believing they overdosed on marijuana brownies. I could write something funny about this, but its much better to just listen for yourself.
Dick Cheney – I seem to remember some asshole trying to say that if you criticize the President during a time of war, you were playing politics, being unpatriotic and undermining National Security. I can’t seem to remember who that dickwad was… Oh wait…now I remember, it’s the same ass clown who is doing interviews saying that President Obama is making this country weaker. At least his boss has the class to shut the hell up and stay on the golf course. I guess the former Vice President has run out of friends to shoot in the face. I get it. The former Vice President is speaking bad about President Obama so that he can charge himself with treason and then he can shoot himself in the face. Brilliant.
Power Saw Sex Toy Idiots - A power saw, plastic dildo and a woman’s vagina. What could possibly go wrong? I only wish the police had released the names of these two morons so we could go ahead and pencil them in for a future Darwin Award.
French President Sarkozy – I was completely against those idiot republican congressman (Robert Ney and Walter Jones) that started that whole “Boycott” France thing (remember, changing the name French Fries to Freedom Fries). But hearing France’s President talking about walking out of the G-20 meeting if the U.S. doesn’t meet his demands for increased Global Financial Regulations has me wondering if the French President is really that stupid. Look the French have given us cheese, wine and a language that is so romantic even cussing a chick out in French can get her moist. However that doesn’t change the fact that when it comes to making demands and giving ultimatums, they hold about as much weight as a rotted out tree branch. Remember this is the country that Hitler ran through like Super Head after a rap video shoot. Look Mr. President, know your role and shut your mouth. We call you a super power out of curtsey. We haven’t really respected you since Napoleon and we don’t plan on changing that.
Sean Hannity – I went for the Right Wing Trifecta today and had to throw in one more uneducated idiot that was given a microphone and a platform to spew his nonsense. I don’t know of anything particular that Hannity has said this year that puts him in the running because unlike Glenn Beck,I can’t even stand the sight of this smug simpleton for more than 30 seconds. Fox News recently dropped Alan Colmes (his “liberal” whipping boy) leaving Hannity to have his show all too himself. I don’t need to see the show to know that means he’s done something retarded. On second thought, maybe I have it all wrong. It’s not the fault of Beck, Limbaugh or Hannity that they do what they do. They’re idiots and when you give an idiot a “noise maker”, in this case a microphone, they make a bunch of nonsensical noise. The real idiots are their millions of viewers and listeners who actually eat up their bullshit as nutritious facts.