I haven’t had a good driving rant in a while so I figured there’s no better time than the present considering that during the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas, roads in the DMV (DC/Maryland/Virginia) area transform from major metropolitan transportation conduits to some paved asphalt equivalent to the Four Horse Men of the Apocalypse. I’ve talked about this before, specifically I-495 (The Capital Beltway) being equivalent to the 5th circle of Hell. You’ll remember from that post (linked here) that on the list of Top 24 Worse Highway Bottlenecks the Captial Beltway appeared not once but twice. Read that post over again to get more explanation why the Capital Beltway should be higher on that list (Also good reading for those that will be coming in town for the inauguration).
Anyway, I want to go into some tips for driving in the DMV. I know the title of this post says specifically the Capital Beltway, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it really needs to be for all the major roadways. The DMV is one of those places where all the major highways are no more than 25 miles apart from each other. That means if you need to go from Northern Virginia to Baltimore, you could pass by or travel on just about every major Highway in the area. So what I’ve done is listed each of the major Highways and some comments one how to approach them. I’ve used characters or themes from the bible because, well…parents sometimes use the Bible to scare their kids straight and if you are planning on traveling on one of these roads during rush hour on Christmas Eve…we need to scare you back to reality.
The Baltimore Washington Parkway (295) – The Forbidden fruit.
The BW Parkway is equivalent to the forbidden fruit in the story of Adam & Eve in the Garden of Eden. No matter what anyone else tells you or what your GPS/Google Maps directions say or what the traffic report is, between 3:30 pm and 7 pm on a weekday DO NOT drive on 295. You’ll be tempted to because it is the shorter distance to get to Baltimore. But what no one tells you is, everyone else from Maryland already knows its going to be backed up so it doesn’t even show up on the traffic report. It’s implied. To be honest, I have a love-hate relationship with the Parkway. I return to it like a beaten housewife returns to her abusive husband, knowing that it will once again let me down. Two times this year I’ve sat in traffic for 20 – 30 minutes because of an accident that has blocked both lanes. I know that doesn’t sound bad, but when it’s 1 AM and you’re trying to get home before that last vodka tonic kicks in, that can be a pain in the ass. I’ve also had to deal with twice having the on ramps blocked because of an accident so bad they weren’t letting more cars onto it. The temptation though is that on a good day I can get from Greenbelt to Downtown Baltimore in 15 minutes. Because you generally can’t see how bad the Parkway is before you get onto it, its really a gamble. It’s like fucking a dirty Mexican hooker…raw.
Tip:
The BW Parkway is only drivable (Drivable meaning traffic actually moves) during the following times (I really only drive North so I’m only giving that direction)
6 am – 11 am going North Monday through Friday
6 am – 10:30 am going North Saturday and Sunday
Drive after 12pm on any day of the week at your own risk. Flip a coin…you have a 50-50 chance.
George Washington Parkway (395) – Judas
The GW Parkway acts like it’s your friend, giving you above speed limit driving during early rush hour traffic before dumping you off on 295 or 66 or some other incredibly backed up road that makes you want to commit seppuku in order to avoid the agony (I actually keep a samurai sword in my trunk for this purpose). Now I’ve never driven on 395 any later than 4 pm and that’s because doing so would mean driving through DC during the height of rush hour, in which case I would be better off just parking my car and walking home.
Tip:
Only drive on 395 if it is before 3:30 pm and knowing that once you get off of it you are fucked.
Baltimore Beltway I-695 – Satan Mini-Me
If the Capital Beltway is Satan then the Baltimore Beltway is the result of Satan pulling a Dr. Evil and creating a smaller, albeit not as evil, clone of himself. I know people in Baltimore will probably disagree with me but the truth is, 695 isn’t that bad…as long as you know your way around the side streets. I remember cussing and fussing my way around 695 during my years in college much the same way I do now around its much more evil twin 495. However, I alieviated a lot of that stress by utilizing side streets and ducking on and off of 695 repeatedly until I got to my destination.
Tip:
Learn the alternative routes. There are multiple ways to get somewhere off the Baltimore Beltway, some just as bad and others are not too bad. Ask a friend from Baltimore and they can give you the 411.
The Capital Beltway/I-95 – The Prince of Darkness Himself
I’ve included I-95 because I-95 and I-495 are like evil conjoined twins that conspire to ruin any DMV driver’s day. I’m convinced these two highways are living breathing organisms with their own set of parasitic-like gremlins that conduct mayhem at all hours of the day with the sole purpose of ruining my day. The first thing you should know is that at any given point in the history of these highways, there has always been some major or traumatic traffic altering construction going on. Take a couple of weekends ago for instance, when they blocked the right two lanes to drill holes into the road (at least that what it looked like to me) creating a 10 mile backup. That occurred from 10 am to at the very least 3 pm. I’ve seen this same thing happen at 11pm, 3am and I swear one time during rush hour (Those workers were nervous as hell cause they knew everyone wanted to kill them). I-95/I-495 also have the ability to lower the mental capacity of drivers by about ¾ . When you consider that your average Virginia driver has the driving knowledge of a retarded 10th grader, by the time you put that same driver on the Capital Beltway, you’re dealing with a primitive caveman surrounded by steel and a combustible engine. And don’t let it rain, or God forbid snow, while you are on one of these roads. I’ve seen less panic in those old Godzilla movies with the lip synching Japanese running around. The moment the first drop of rain or snow flake hits the asphalt, I-95/I-495 become a parking lot full of red brake lights. Honestly, at night around this time of year it’s actually quite festive looking…until you realize that you’ve been sitting in the same spot for the last hour. Seeing the multitude of salt trucks parked on the side of the road doing nothing also adds to the frustration, especially when you are sliding around the beltway the next morning wondering just where the fuck your tax dollars went. Lastly, 495 in particular likes setting you up. Take this morning for instance. I got to work in 20 minutes. I left work at 3:30 thinking that I would be able to duplicate not only my morning drive but the drive I had yesterday afternoon around the same time. An hour and ten minutes later I could only chuckle to myself saying “Damn you Capital Beltway…You got me once again.”
Tips Survival Guide
1. The first thing to do when you have made the fateful decision to drive around the Beltway or up 95 during rush hour is to make sure you have the appropriate music in your car. Since I am cursed to drive around 495 every day for work, I have absolutely ZERO R&B in my car. I don’t care if I’m going on a romantic date or not. If I have to pick the bitch up during rush hour around 495, we’ll be getting into the mood with some hardcore Rap. In order to survive 495 you need to be more angry and more aggressive than the other drivers on the road. Otherwise you’ll be bullied off the road by some sleep deprived trucker or some illegal alien in a Honda Civic packed full of Mexicans. Personally, I prefer some Eminem (preferably something off the Slim Shady or Marshall Mathers albums). My frat brother gets in the mood with some Ice Cube Predator. You’ll know you’ve found the right CD when you can no longer control the urge to let out a random ‘Fuck you’.
2. Stretch your middle finger. Seriously. There’s nothing worse than trying to communicate with another driver that’s cut you off and catching a cramp in your middle finger. People always say that’s rude but I think they’ve just never driven on 495. Giving someone the finger is the easiest and safest way of letting them know how you feel. If you were to stick your head out the window you’d likely be decapitated by one of those aforementioned sleep deprived truck drivers or some 90 year old grandmother who can barely see over her steering wheel.
3. Make sure you leave an hour early. It’s the only way to be sure.
Well that’s it. Seriously, avoid driving in the DMV on Christmas Eve. I’m braving the traffic tonight cause I know it’ll be 100 times worse tomorrow. If you do decide to go out, leave a comment and I’ll pour out some liquor for you.
