I live in Maryland and commute out to Virginia (The dreaded Tyson’s Corner area) every day. It’s gotten so bad I’ve been taking the train for the past couple of months because I just couldn’t take the stress. It’s more expensive, but I don’t get home with the urge to murder the first human being I see. When I drive, I have to take Interstate 495 (Capital Beltway). It circles Washington, D.C. and connects Maryland and Virginia. Driving on I-495 during the work week should be considered self-destructive behavior. I’m going to petition to have it added as a suicide attempt in the American Medical Journal. If you carpool to work on I-495, that should considered assisted suicide. On a list of America’s top 24 worse highway bottlenecks, I-495 appears twice; once for the I-495/I-270 interchange (#7) and once for the I-495/I-95 interchange (#15). Let me explain to you why that is so misleading. First off, that listing makes it seem like its two completely separate places, a great distance apart. WRONG! Those places are maybe 12 miles apart. Most people, like myself, have to drive through both of those bottlenecks. That alone should move I-495 to the top of the list. Seriously. You have no idea how disheartening it is to finally pass I-270 after 30 minutes of creeping along at a max 5 mph for around 5 miles and pick up speed, just to run into traffic going 2 mph around the corner. It’s sort of like the feeling you get if you fall in love with a stripper, only to find out she’s stolen all your money and left you with only shame, whore glitter, and a boner.

The second reason I-495 should be higher on the list is that you can’t take any alternate routes because they are all just as backed up. I once tried going through D.C. to get home and it took me 2 ½ hours thanks to the fact that D.C. traffic lights are as synchronized as an epileptic swim team during a flashing light show. They finally finished the Woodrow Wilson bridge, but ever since it took me 2 hours to get home one time, I haven’t grown a pair of balls big enough try going around 495 in that direction. All that doesn’t even take into consideration the time it takes just to get to I-495. I work right by Tyson’s Corner Mall, and it once took me 30 minutes just to get to the freeway. For those not familiar…you could walk from the mall to I-495 in 3 minutes if you were a paraplegic and you didn’t have your chair.

The last reason I-495 should be higher is because trying to judge when “rush hour” occurs is equivalent to playing Russian Roulette with a half loaded gun…you just don’t know what to expect. The only way to avoid traffic in the morning is to be on the road before 6:45 AM. At 6:46…you will be stuck and it will take you 40 minutes to get to work. Morning rush hour lasts from 6:45 to 10:00. From 10:00 to 11:30, you have an hour and a half window. After that, you hit the “lunch rush.” I’m not really sure how long that lasts. I’m convinced that it spills over into evening rush hour. I’ve left at 2:00 before and been able to avoid traffic…but then there are times when I leave at 2:00 (this happened a few weeks ago) and it takes me over an hour. It’s like the entire Capital Beltway is in a perpetual state of congestion. The really frustrating thing is, late at night, when there is little traffic, I can get home in 20 minutes.

But wait!!! There’s more. Not only do I have to deal with congestion, but there’s also the idiots on the road. We rank 2nd in worst drivers. Apparently, knowing how to drive is not a prerequisite for being able to drive…

The law states that you are to be in the left lane for PASSING only. For those that have a hard time comprehending what that means, it means for you to stay the f*@k out of the left lane. I have no problem with you driving like your passenger’s name is ‘Ms. Daisy’, however, do that in the far right lanes. Contrary to popular belief…speed doesn’t kill, stopping does. So while me going fast isn’t a problem, you slowing drifting over to the fast lane only going 55 is going to cause a problem. People are always like “Well you could lose control.” Yeah well, we COULD also be invaded by aliens today, Tupac and Elvis COULD still be alive, and I COULD wake up with a million dollars tomorrow. You won’t see me holding my breath though. If you know how to drive your car, going fast doesn’t mean that you are less in control of your car. Just means that I have to keep more of an eye out for the idiot doing 55 in the fast lane, cruising around, taking in the scenery.

If you are allergic to acceleration, when you see a sign that says “Lane Ends in XXXX feet/yards/miles”, you need to get over immediately. Don’t hold up the rest of us that are aware of the situation. Nothing makes me want to pull my hair out more than sitting at a light behind a fool who apparently hasn’t seen the big yellow sign that says “Lane Ends” and so when the light turns green, they creep along like nothing is wrong. Of course, they realize how dumb they are at the last minute, slam on their brakes and put on their turn signal to get over…when all they had to do was give it a little gas. ARGGGHHHH!!!!!!

Don’t slowly drift into a lane. You’re supposed to change lanes QUICKLY. What part of quickly is hard to comprehend? Every day I see at least 5 people that drift into lanes like they have narcolepsy and fell asleep behind the wheel.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again…Highway exits are sequential. That means if you are passing Exit 20 and Exit 21 is next, Exit 22 will be coming up soon. Why is this relevant? Because, I’m tired of people not realizing that their exit is coming up until they are a ¼ of a mile from it. Then they try to get over from their far left lane, alllllllll the way over to the right. Look, if descending and ascending numbers confuse you, spend some time watching Sesame Street before you hop on the road next time.

Let me give a watered down physics lesson. While it is true that a body in motion stays in motion until acted on by an outside force, that doesn’t mean that you have to use your brakes to slow your car down. There’s this force called “friction” that also helps. This means that you can take your foot off the gas and, miraculously, your car will start to slow down. Why is this an important piece of information? Because it means that you don’t have to slam on your brakes every time you see someone else’s brake lights or when someone changes into your lane 500 feet in front of you. I’m tired of people stopping and going on the road like they are doing the robot in their car. Drift, its ok. Unless you are going insanely fast or you have the reaction time of a tortoise in Antarctica, you’ll have enough time to apply the brakes and stop your car if its really necessary.

In the same token as above, stop slamming on your brakes every time the wind blows hard. Yes, you should react to things on or around the road, but locking up your brakes because a stray bird feather flew in front of your car is not a good look.

This is going to sound really sexist, but I don’t care. Nothing scares me more than a woman in an SUV. I’ll venture to say that 90% of them have no idea how to handle the oversized hunk of metal that they are supposed to be “controlling.” Part of the problem is that fathers don’t teach their daughters to drive like they teach their sons. Fathers and husbands teach their daughters and wives to drive their SUVs like they are driving M1 Abram tanks: “Forget checking your mirrors. Just get over. They’ll get out of your way.” People that can drive (men and women) are taught to judge distances, check their mirrors and only use your brakes when you have to. You know, the normal things that everyone should be required to demonstrate if they are going to get behind the wheel. My favorite though is when no one ever taught them how to merge and so they completely stop in the middle of the road in order to take an off ramp. Exciting…. The other problem is that it’s rarely the case that the woman is driving the SUV because she wanted it. She usually has it because its “necessary” to transport “little Timmy” to soccer practice with the rest of the team. I’ve been nearly blindsided by too many women in Escalades and Tahoes with soccer stickers on the back to think otherwise. They’re simply trying to do too much while they drive a huge vehicle. Combing their daughter’s hair, putting on their makeup, proof reading homework, telling Timmy to stop hitting his sister, etc. As you can see…way more important things than doing something as trivial as keeping their eyes on the road.

Now, I’ll be fair, there are some men that can’t drive either. My response to that is, if you are a “man” and you can’t drive…you should be castrated and forced to wear sundresses and high heels.

Warning: Rubberneck if you want to…but one of these days, I’m going to take a baseball bat and start beating the car of the nosy ass person holding up traffic. Unless there is blood and guts flowing all over the road or they are using the “Jaws of Life” to pull the smoking, crispy carcass of some poor soul out of their car…there is no reason you need to slow down. I know that sounds wrong, but when I’ve sat in traffic for 30 minutes because of an “accident” only to finally see that it’s a minor fender bender, I begin to get filled with Bruce Banner like rage. It is especially frustrating when the accident has occurred on the other side of the median going in the opposite direction and has absolutely no bearing the conditions of the road in front of you.

I know a lot of talk has gone on with making it illegal to use your cell phone while you are driving. I’ve never been a fan of that train of thought because I’m fully capable of using my mouth to talk while simultaneously keeping my eyes on the road. Seems as if I am the exception to the rule though. I want you to think about just how stupid it is that people can’t talk and drive at the same time. There’s a saying about how someone is so dumb they can’t “walk and chew gum at the same time.” That is exactly what it is like to say that someone can’t drive and talk on the phone at the same time. Driving and talking don’t even use the same damn senses. I refuse to believe that driving takes that much brain activity that you can’t also talk on the phone. Unless you are reciting your PhD dissertation on cerebral aneurysms over the phone, talking on a cell phone can’t possibly interfere with you remembering that red means stop, green means go, and don’t hit stationary objects in front of you. But alas, I realize that I have grossly overestimated the logical and functional capacities of the human race.

I understand there are good Samaritans out there…but please, save your Good Deed for the Day for some place other than on the road. I’m tired of people doing the “nice thing” instead of following the traffic laws. What does that mean? That means, if you have a green light, don’t stop to let the person on the side street out in front of you. While it is a nice gesture, you’ve now held up everyone behind you. You my friend, are the cause of rush hour traffic. Not to mention that is a surefire way of getting rear ended. Traffic laws exists for a reason. Blinking yellow lights don’t mean for you to stop and let the people at the red blinking light over because they’ve been sitting there for a long time.

After rereading all of what I just wrote above, I think I’ve come up with a solution. Just like they have special parking spaces for people that have a handicap, I believe there should be special roads for people that have a below average Driving IQ. Considering that 90% of the population would fall into that category, that would free up the normal roads for people like me that know how to drive.