After seeing the picture of the new ‘Superman’ in costume, it got me thinking about the bonehead decisions of some people when making a comic book movie. The number of idiotic things is far too great to count. Thankfully, my ‘suck ass movie’ radar works pretty well and I can avoid seeing crap, but every now and then I either see a bad one, or something bad messes up an otherwise good movie.
10. Halle Berry as Storm – X-men was decent, X-men 2 was great….but in both, Halle Berry sucked ass. Hey, I like Halle…she’s beautiful, she just can’t play in an action movie to save her life. From her fake ass accent to just how incredibly weak she made the African Goddess look. I think reality finally hit her when she tried to hold out of signing for X3 and just about all the fans gave her a collective ‘Fuck you, leave then.’
9. Sabertooth in X-men – Like I said, I liked the X-men movie, but besides the horrible casting of Storm, the dumbed down version of Sabertooth was almost unbearable. Half the fun of seeing a Sabertooth/Wolverine fight in the comics is the continual insults they throw at each other as they rip each other to shreds. The movie made Sabertooth a mute dumbass. Sabertooth is the equivalent of Anthony Hopkins’ Dr. Lector from ‘Silence of the Lambs’, just with claws, teeth, and the ability to heal himself. Basically an animalistic unstoppable serial killer, not the over-grown Winnie the Pooh of the movie.
8. Catwoman – It pains me to have Halle on here twice, but when I heard she was playing Catwoman I just knew it would be some garbage, before I even saw the trailers. But to be fair, it’s not all Halle’s fault for this one. How the fuck are you going to have Catwoman but no Batman? Or no reference to a Batman? Basically Hollywood said ‘Fuck continuity, lets just make some shit up.’ And did you see that costume? Whoever dreamed that up should be shot.
7. Daredevil – Again, another movie that got my ‘suck ass movie’ senses tingling. The problem is, if I remember this correctly, this was the period in Hollywood when all movie producers had Ben Affleck’s cock in their mouths. No, just like Catwoman, I didn’t see this. I didn’t have to. I couldn’t see Ben in a superhero role cause he’s a clown.
6. Spawn – If you want a blueprint for turning a kick-ass comic into a horrible flop, watch Spawn (if you can bare it) repeatedly. It’s like whoever made this movie was like: “If we have some big explosions and pretty special effects, no one will ever notice the abysmal acting and plot of this movie.”
5. The Matrix Revolutions – Ok, so it wasn’t a comic book first, I don’t care. This movie was some trash. The Matrix…was great. The Matrix Reloaded…was good too, just a little too smart for your average person. Revolutions however was some hot garbage. First, it’s like the Wachowski brothers let the great reviews they were getting from geeks go to their heads, and decided to make a movie that would have had Einstein scratching his head going “What the fuck is going on?” They went for some sort of ‘come to your own conclusions’ ending but instead just pissed a bunch of people off. I’ll defend Reloaded until I’m blue in the face but Revolutions made me want to kill someone. It left everyone with a bunch of ‘how the fuck…’ and ‘why the fuck…’ questions and those two assholes laughed all the way to the bank.
*The Top 4 all belong to the movies ‘Batman Forever’ or ‘Batman and Robin’
4. Joel Schumacher as Director – Talk about single-handedly killing a franchise. Joel Schumacher is considered the man that killed the Batman franchise (before the excellent ‘Batman Begins’ was released). Where to fucking start…Apparently, good old Joel was a fan of the campy Adam West Batman and did everything short of putting ‘Pow’, ‘Bam’, and ‘Zonk’ on the screen. Joel thought Tim Burton’s Batman was too dark and not kid-friendly. Oh, I’m sorry Joel…fuck the fact that Batman whoops ass on a nightly basis, fuck the fact that he’s called the ‘Dark Knight’, let’s think about the children. If I ever see Joel in the streets I’m beating my $9.50 out of him.
3. The Villians from “Batman and Robin” – Ok, nobody ever accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of being a great actor, but come the fuck on. Every time I heard Arnold say some stupid, corny one-liner as Mr. Freeze (such as: ‘Chill out’) my ears would bleed. And that costume was horrid. Him and his goons made that movie into ‘Batman on Ice.’ And what the fuck was up with Bane? This dude went from being the cold, calculating criminal genius that broke Batman’s back in the comic book , to being some drooling, steroid pumping, don’t give him any intelligent lines, wrestler in a fucked up costume. And I swear, Uma Thurman owes Tarantino her career, cause if it wasn’t for Kill Bill, she’d still be running away from her role as Poison Ivy.
2. The ‘Bat-Credit Card’ – If you got far enough into the movie to see this scene without spooning out your eyeballs, you should be commended. I’m not 100% sure what lead to this scene (since I’ve tried so hard to remove this movie from my memory), but if remember correctly, Batman and Robin where both bidding on Poison Ivy and in order to out-bid Robin, Batman pulls out a ‘Bat-credit card.’ I know it’s a movie, I know it’s not real, but upon seeing that, one has to start to wonder how in the HELL DID BATMAN GET A CREDIT CARD!!?? I know he didn’t give his address cause the batcave is suppose to be a secret and he sure as hell didn’t use Wayne Manor as the address. Whose fucking social security number did he use? I mean, you start thinking this shit cause it makes no fucking sense, and then your brain explodes.
1. Nipples on the Batsuit (among other things) – I think it was this that single-handedly killed the franchise. I want to know who thought putting nipples on the batsuit would be a cool thing to do. I mean come on…nipples…nipples on a suit of armor. And to make it worse, in either ‘Batman Forever’ or ‘Batman and Robin’, the viewer gets flashed with a close up of Batman’s ass. That right there was the gayest thing I’ve ever seen in a movie. It’s like Joel was trying to say: “Batman’s really a metrosexual and he’s proud of it.” I wish I could go back in time and kill Joel before he made those movies. I’m pretty sure that movie accounted for some suicides and self-inflicted wounds. Anything was better than watching those movies.
